San Antonio Roller Hockey League

The following is completely fictitious because the color commentary crew was not available. And no one left notes. But, this is where the truth goes to die, so…

Game 1

Drug Mules 10 – Rush Hour 7
“Defense optional. Scorekeeper exhausted.”

This game had all the makings of a classic SARHL showdown: missing skaters, poor defensive structure, and at least one player showing up simply because someone they dislike wasn’t playing. Spoiler alert — it was Collin, and yes, he heard Mallery wasn’t coming.

The Drug Mules, coming off a week of questionable effort and abundant wheezing, looked refreshed and ready. That’s probably because the game started late, giving them just enough time to shake off their collective hangovers.

Meanwhile, Rush Hour was ready to play, missing Kevin “Not Again” Shanahan but getting Micah Deary back from his multi-week milk carton sabbatical. His two goals may have cost him two lungs, but we’re told the well-being check was successful.

First Period

Collin wasted no time, scoring early and making sure everyone knew he was there. Rumor has it he made Taylor Newton stop warmups until the team applauded his entrance.

Felipe, in net for Rush Hour, spent the first period openly arguing with his defense, which was confusing since none of them were there.

By the end of the first, it was 4-0 Mules, and everyone was already sweating through their third shirt.

Second Period

Ray Ortega, now firmly in “I’m carrying this team whether they like it or not” mode, notched a goal in the middle frame. It was best described as “definitely accidental.”

Penn answered with two of his four on the night, and let’s be honest — he was probably the only guy on Rush Hour giving a full shift.

Micah’s physically showed up for the first, but finally showed up in the second picking up his first goal of the game. At least he tried. After missing the first 5 weeks, what more can we ask for?

The second ended with the Mules up 7-3, and it is once again looking like this game should have started in the second period if it was going to be interesting.

Third Period

This period was a little more interesting as Rush Hour sought to close the gap. A quick goal by Collin was answered by several from Rush Hour and it looked like Rush Hour would make this a game. Collin quickly erased that notion with another goal before Ian Chase found his way on the board for Rush Hour, immediately turning to the bench and yelling, “Still think I suck?” The bench did not respond.

With several minutes remaining, Rush Hour would pull beleaguered goalie Felipe, but they only mustered one goal before giving up an EN as the game closed out 10-7. Just think, if Rush Hour could just erase some of those first period collapses…

Ryan Lewis and the Drug Mules skated away with a high-scoring, no-defense, classic SARHL victory.

Notable Absences

• Mallery: Confirmed absent. May have been watching from afar with a bowl of cereal.
• Shanahan: Still working nights on the corner.
• Rush Hour Defense: Present in body, absent in spirit.
• Team Strategy: No one is claiming ownership.

Final Thought

This game was less “chess match” and more “beer league chaos.” Felipe tried. Taylor stood around. And the fans (Rick and Glenn’s ghosts) left early.

Game 2

Drug Mules 9 – Traffic Cones 2
“A bloodbath so bad, they might actually close this highway.”

If you’re a Traffic Cone, look away. If you’re a Drug Mule, puff out your chest and try to act like you expected this. Because this was a full-on demolition from start to finish — a straight-up construction zone pile-up where the Mules never lifted their foot off the gas, and the Cones never left the parking lot.

Let’s just say this game should have had a mercy rule. Or maybe cones that could move faster than actual traffic cones.

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First Period – Collin’s Revenge Tour: Act 6

Only 87 seconds into the game, Collin Iacarella reminded the Cones that their defense is more decorative than functional. His first of the game came off a clean feed from Junior, and you’d be forgiven for thinking this was going to be a tight one. You’d also be very wrong.

Two minutes later, Collin scored again after the Traffic Cones did their best impression of watching a plane fly overhead. By the time he completed the natural hat trick at 6:04 (again assisted by Junior, who briefly pretended to care), there were audible groans from the Cones bench. Mostly from Andrew Minerd, who realized his fall league team might actually be worse than all of his teams from last year.

Before the period ended, David Narvaiz got in on the action after a slick feed from Ray Ortega, who was clearly just stat-padding at this point. The Drug Mules trotted into the first intermission up 4-0 — and it somehow felt even worse than that.

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Second Period – Consolation Effort Denied

David kicked off the second period just like he ended the first — scoring a goal that no one remembered because the Cones defense is just that forgettable. At 5-0, Popham decided to try something different: actually shooting the puck. It worked. He scored at 6:22. The Cones celebrated like they won the game. They didn’t.

Then came the flood.

• Ryan Lewis, quiet as a titmouse, snuck one in off a pass from Ray. We wanted to say it was a nice pass, but it was not. It was a miracle the puck made it to Ryan.
• Junior, inspired by Ashton’s new “pass once per game” policy, snuck in a garbage-time goal off a random bounce.

By the end of the second, it was 7-1, and it felt like Felipe Reodriguez (now regretting the sub-role) in net was being punished for something he did in a past life. Or last game.

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Third Period – There’s No “D” in Cones

Just 52 seconds into the third, Ryan scored again. No pass. No assist. No hope for the Cones.

Andy Minerd did his part to keep the game semi-respectable with a solo goal at 7:07 that somehow found its way past Taylor Newton, who had already begun packing up his gear by then.

But, because karma is cruel and Collin is relentless, he netted his fourth goal of the night with 27 seconds remaining — just in case the Cones had any delusion that this was just a “bad bounce” kind of game.

Final score: 9-2.
Final thoughts: The Cones might be eligible for FEMA aid.

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Traffic Cone Fun Facts™

• BVV still AWOL.
• Zack still protecting his assist stats like Gollum with the One Ring.
• Alex and Ray may have suited up, but we have zero evidence they touched the puck.
• The only positive for the Cones was that we completely ignored Jaiden all night, so at least the post-game debrief was short.

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Drug Mule Notes

• Collin is now contractually obligated to show up only for double headers. Wait until he finds out that you can only participate in the playoffs if you played at least half the games… Wait. Is that a rule? Someone make that a rule!
• Ryan Lewis is quietly stacking goals. Like, too quietly. Is he up to something?
• Junior scored. That’s the note.
• Ashton had an assist. This will be talked about for weeks.

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The Drug Mules move to 6-2-0 and are now basically delivering free losses up and down the league. The Traffic Cones? They’re 2-4-2, and currently being used as target practice.