News & Updates

Summer is finally over. Chaos reigns supreme!

After several months away from organized league play, SARHL players return refreshed, rejuvenated, and presumably having learned absolutely nothing.

Three teams enter the season. One team leaves alive… in a perfect world.

There are returning veterans. There are new players. There are people whose identities we’re not entirely sure about. There are no listed goalies, which feels like a fairly significant oversight but also somebody else’s problem.

And for reasons nobody has adequately explained, the teams are named after movies which lends to difficulties in remarking on them during the recap process. But who cares about the guy that actually has to write this hot garbage out.

Let’s meet these disasters.

DONNIE DARKO

Captain: Andrew Minerd

Andrew Minerd enters another season as captain, presumably because nobody found the paperwork required to make him stop.

Minerd’s roster is fascinating because it could either be the most balanced team in the league or nine people staring at one another waiting for somebody else to do something.

Ricky Dominguez returns to the league, but this time as a skater rather than a goalie. This is exciting because Ricky can finally experience what it’s like to watch someone else surrender terrible goals and immediately blame them.

Augie Vargas brings “speed”, “offense”, and the probability of committing a penalty against someone who doesn’t currently possess the puck. No matter where the puck is, this is the guy to watch.

Ryan Lewis remains one of the league’s enduring mysteries. Every time you watch him, you think he’s good, maybe even great. Every time you look at the scoring leaders, you wonder what happened. Perhaps this is finally the season those two realities meet.

They won’t.

Mike Mallery returns because apparently there were no laws preventing it. He’ll play defense until approximately twelve seconds after the opening faceoff, at which point he’ll be discovered behind the opposing net waiting for a pass. If he scores, Donnie Darko automatically wins regardless of the actual score. We established this years ago. This often neglected and forgotten rule is the only reason Mallery is taken before the 8th round in the draft.

Reuben Lima returns after an extended absence. Nobody knows what he’s been doing. Nobody has asked. We’re simply happy he remembered where the rink is.

David Narvaiz might quietly be one of Minerd’s most important picks. He scores, he works well with almost everybody, and if Brandon Popham happens to be anywhere nearby, he’ll probably start humming the “My Buddy” song (from the 80s commercials) and wander toward the wrong bench.

Nathan Motz emerged last season as an actual problem for opposing teams. That’s unfortunate because we’d much rather make fun of him. Give us time.

Then there’s Erik Hillskemper.

We know Erik, but we can’t picture him.

We just picture a Viking.

Not an impressive Viking standing at the bow of a longship with his magnificent beard blowing in the North Atlantic wind, either.

More like a Viking who was asked to guard the village while everybody else went pillaging.

We’re sure this will make more sense once we see him.

The Outlook

This roster has very few obvious holes.

Minerd has scoring. He has speed. He has responsible players. He also has Mallery, but the league has a “everybody gets drafted” rule for a reason.

The biggest concern may be whether everyone accepts their role. There are enough players here who like having the puck that one may not be sufficient.

Completely Unscientific Prediction: 1st

Minerd will immediately hate that we’ve done this to him.

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FEAR & LOATHING

Captain: Junior Yupanqui

Junior’s team is an absolute masterpiece.

Not necessarily a hockey masterpiece.

More like something painted during a gas leak.

Brandon Popham separates from his longtime associates and begins another season trying to convince everyone he’s an offensive superstar. Unfortunately, he occasionally provides evidence.

Faye Hadley survived playing with Junior last season, which should make everything else in life seem relatively easy. Fire? Easy. Flood? Manageable. Junior mumbling unsolicited tactical instructions from the bench? She’s used to this.

And speaking of which…

Jaiden Hernandez and Junior Yupanqui are teammates.

We need to appreciate this.

Junior somehow wins a lot. Jaiden finds ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

I want to say this should be like an acid meeting a base, but it has the potential to be so much more violent… like a hurricane meeting a tornado. We’re excited to see how this experiment plays out.

Chuck Galwell returns from wherever SARHL players go when they disappear for a while. We’re told he’s here to play hockey, although there’s still a reasonable possibility he wandered into Fairchild looking for his AARP card and someone handed him a stick.

Cesar is either new or returning. With no last name, we’re just assuming nothing.

Excellent start.

We’ve officially reached the point where our player database has the same accuracy as medieval census records.

Nicholas is new.

AJ is also new.

Welcome, gentlemen.

We know nothing about either of you, which means these are unquestionably the nicest things we’ll ever write.

Enjoy it.

Adam Dixon returns with his complete inability to determine where a shot is going before releasing it. Goalies cannot read Dixon because Dixon cannot read Dixon. That’s not chaos. That’s competitive advantage.

Brian Van Vlymen has once again promised to attend hockey games.

We’ve heard this before.

When present, BVV remains one of the league’s better offensive players. His preferred strategy continues to involve taking possession of the puck, ignoring all available passing options, and eventually producing something useful enough that everyone forgets why they were yelling.

The Outlook

This could be the best team.

This could be the worst team.

This could somehow be both during the same game.

There is legitimate talent everywhere, but Junior and Jaiden sharing leadership oxygen creates possibilities no predictive model can properly account for.

If everything clicks, they’re dangerous.

If it doesn’t, the bench conversations alone will be worth arriving early for.

Completely Unscientific Prediction: 3rd

Not because they’re bad.

Because placing Junior and Jaiden together and expecting stability violates several known principles of chemistry.

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FAST & FURIOUS

Captain: David Penn

Of course Penn drafted Jake.

There are constants in life.

Death.

Taxes.

Humidity.

Captain Penn finding Jacob Hernandez and carrying him around like a toddler’s security blanket.

Jake reportedly still believes someone owes him a Sizzler gift card from several seasons ago. At this point, with inflation, the league’s liability may exceed the operating budget.

Ray Ortega joins them, bringing $2, several grievances, and the capacity to become furious about something that happened three shifts ago.

Kevin Shanahan returns for another season of being simultaneously better and worse than you remembered. Kevin’s greatest ability remains convincing everyone that whatever is happening is exactly what he intended.

Down 5-1?

“We have them right where we want them.”

History suggests he will eventually be correct again.

Ian Chase returns with the promise of more geometrically impossible goals that still have our brains melting.

Travis Laveault quietly became one of the more dependable players last time around, which is terrible for our purposes. Hopefully he’s spent the summer developing some glaring personal flaw we can exploit editorially.

Matt Gilbert returns presumably still seeking someone willing to engage him in an unnecessary altercation. Augie is on Donnie Darko.

Circle that matchup.

Neil Lewis remains the league’s inexplicable nice person. Every ecosystem needs balance, and apparently Neil was assigned the miserable task of counteracting everyone else’s personalities.

And finally, James Webber.

We have a last name!

Last season he was simply James W., an identity that sounded less like a hockey player and more like someone providing testimony under a cooperation agreement.

He scored his first SARHL goal and received approximately four seconds of recognition before Collin Iacarella reminded everyone that Collin had returned.

This season, James gets an entire name.

Progress.

The Outlook

Penn may have assembled the least ridiculous roster.

That’s not necessarily the highest compliment, but in this league it matters.

There is scoring throughout the lineup, several players who can actually defend when properly motivated, and enough veteran experience to survive the inevitable nonsense.

The biggest question is whether they have enough top-end firepower to keep pace when games become track meets.

The second-biggest question is how long Penn can go before telling his entire bench that they’re hot garbage and taking every other shift himself.

Completely Unscientific Prediction: 2nd

Solid.

Deep.

Competent.

Disgustingly reasonable.

We’ll fix that.

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PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS THAT WILL IMMEDIATELY AGE POORLY

1. Donnie Darko

Minerd has the deepest-looking roster on paper. Motz, Narvaiz, Lewis and Augie provide plenty of offense, and there’s enough veteran presence behind them to make this team irritatingly competent.

Mallery remains the emergency brake.

2. Fast & Furious

Penn has constructed a team with relatively few obvious weaknesses and, more importantly, fewer personalities likely to stage a coup.

Ray could still do it.

Never underestimate Ray.

3. Fear & Loathing

Potentially explosive.

We refuse to specify whether that means offensively or internally.

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QUESTIONS ENTERING THE SEASON

Will BVV actually show up?

The magic 8-ball places the probability somewhere between “maybe” and “check back later.”

Can Junior and Jaiden coexist?

Absolutely.

For several minutes at a time.

And if not, we all win.

Who are Nicholas and AJ?

For now, innocent men.

What happened to the goalies?

Excellent question. Better question is, “Do we care?”

Is Erik actually a Viking?

Almost certainly not.

But this narrative has already left the station.

Will Adam Dixon know where his shots are going?

Don’t be ridiculous. He barely knows where his bus is going.

Will Jake finally receive his Sizzler gift card?

At this point the gift card has become less of a prize and more of a religious prophecy.

Will the scoresheets contain enough information to reconstruct these games?

Probably not.

That’s no longer necessary.

FINAL WORD

Three teams.

Twenty-eight skaters.

No assigned goalies.

Several people we’re not completely certain we’ve met.

And an editorial policy that no longer requires events to have actually occurred.

This may be our finest season yet.

With the winter season finally wrapped up in the most SARHL way possible, we are on to the spring season which will venture into uncharted territory as we will crown our newest champions midway through July. If nothing else, the league should collectively lose about 500lbs thanks to the sauna-like conditions.

Here are the new teams as decided by the captains over a shared bowl of bottomless chips and salsa and frosty glasses of water at Chilis.

Titos Punch

• (C) Jaiden Hernandez – We don’t need to go any deeper on this team list to know this team is going to be lucky to qualify for the playoffs.
• Jacob Hernandez – Happily reports every season still thinking that he is owed a Sizzler gift card.
• Ian Chase – Reporting for duty with protractor in hand.
• Ray Ortega – With $2 and a bad attitude, he’ll ruin anyone’s day.
• Neil Lewis – Because this team needs a good ol’ fashioned nice guy.
• Mike Mallery – Drafted out of pity, not necessity.
• Roger Sanftner – New enough to not know what he’s gotten himself in to.
• David Penn – Back from a shoulder injury that occurred by extensive “self patting on the back” after every goal he scored in a tourney.
• Sonny M – The new guy. We’ll make him feel real welcome soon.
• Brian Van Vlymen – Swears he’ll be here for more games. He just didn’t hear his alarm clock going off.

Sauced Mozz

• (C) Andrew Minerd – Finally stepping out of the foreboding shadows of Popham and Mallery on his teams, and he says the air never smelled so fresh.
• Kevin Shanahan – Looks out of place on any team, so may as well be on this one.
• Ryan Lewis – We’re always surprised this guy doesn’t score more. Nothing will change this season, either.
• Matt Gilbert – Begging for a slap-fight rematch with Augie.
• David Foss – Minerd’s kryptonite; if you can’t beat him, draft him to your team.
• Alex Casella – Somehow has a mystique that he performs way better than reality dictates.
• Zack Merullo – Back from injury and ready to play full time. Has brought an entire bag full of assists he insists are his own.
• James W – Another new guy. We’re watching you.
• Collin Iacarella – When he shows up, he scores. Just needs to do more of that first part.

Big Smasher

• (C) Junior Yupanqui – Dealing with the championship hangover. The rest of the captains have secretly plotted for him to win every season as the winning captain should pick up the tab for the draft.
• Augie Vargas – Easily good for a few penalties per game.
• Travis Laveault – His draft stock was on the rise after last season. Are we going to see a sophomore slump?
• David Narvaiz – Even after winning the ‘ship, begged not to be on another Junior team.
• Adam Dixon – Junior keeps him around for good luck. Often seen having his hair tustled by Junior when he needs a goal.
• Darrin Eash – Willingly came back for another season.
• Brandon Popham – No Mallery, no Minerd, no problem.
• Nathan Motz – Quickly turning into a Junior translator.
• Faye Hadley – If playing with Jaiden didn’t scare her off, playing with Junior surely will.
• Greg A – New guy or Artzberger skating out a little this season? Either way, word is this guy is a menace.
• Micah Deary – Junior believed the other captains when they said “his attendance is consistent.”

Goalies will rotate based on availability and need.

• Taylor Newton – When he tries, he can steal a game. The trick is getting him to try for anyone in this league.
• Felipe Rodriguez – Wins his first championship in just short of forever. Renewed motivation to play in this league.
• Greg Artzberger – Wants to only play for the team with the best defense. Smart.
• Rick Odom – Has learned that if he just lays on his side against both goal posts, he can cover about 70% of the net.
• Brady – He’s going to learn real quick…

Let’s kick off this season the right way — with some unfair assumptions, petty predictions, and loosely researched nonsense. Below is your 2025 SARHL Spring Season Preview, by team and by player. Expect sweeping generalizations, unwarranted critiques, and occasional praise for no reason.

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🛣️ Interstate 10 (Captain: Junior | Goalie: Taylor Newton)

“The Defensive Juggernauts of Sleepytime Hockey”

Junior – The eternal captain of calm. Leads with his words more than his play, unless his ego is poked — then he nets 4 and disappears for two weeks. One day, he’ll lead the league in scoring. That day is not today.

Collin Iacarella – Certified weapon. Brings 100% effort 50% of the time. Still allergic to passing. Wears a grimace like it’s part of his gear.

Ashton Baggett – Quietly excellent when he shows up. Could score more if he wasn’t worried about being “that guy.” This season, maybe be that guy.

David Narvaiz – Aka “The Skating Scientist.” Brings GoPro footage and dad energy. Got a taste of glory with his first goal last season (Or was it the season before? Either way, his total stands at 1, right?) and may never score again. Always thinking two plays ahead… unfortunately, nobody else is.

Glenn Domingo – The ghost of consistency. Will make a perfect defensive stop then vanish into the fog. Could be league MVP if someone could prove he actually exists.

Ray Ortega – Heating up at the end of last season. Could be dangerous if he remembers to show up before the third period. The only Ray with enough clout to not need a last name clarification.

Rick Odom – Falls more than anyone, yet somehow always ends up back on his feet. Makes one magical play per season. It’s usually an accident, though.

Ryan Lewis – Not to be confused with any other Lewis. Underrated and under-scored. The kind of guy who gets 2 goals in a game and no one remembers.

David Foss – The elder statesman. Brings a folding chair and a lunch pail. Gets chirped more than anyone but never chirps back. That’s power. Canadian power.

Taylor Newton (G) – Calm in the crease. Coffee in hand. Newspaper in the bag. Always one weird bounce away from pitching a shutout or giving up 10. The most stoic man in SARHL.

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🔁 Loop 1604 (Captain: Andrew Minerd | Goalie: Greg Artzberger)

“Where Chemistry Goes to Die”

Andrew Minerd – Captain. Ref. Goalie. Forward. Defense. Conspiracy theorist. He’ll blame his wheels, the moon, or chili powder for a losing streak — anything but the actual play.

Brian Van Vlymen (BVV) – If you give him an inch, he’ll take a mile… and then use that space to set up a garbage time goal. If he only listened to his teammates. 3 goals, 0 passes incoming.

Alex Casella – If he starts hot, look out. If he starts slow, you won’t hear from him again until playoffs. The absolute embodiment of “your mileage may vary.”

Jaiden – Captain last season, conspiracy target this season. Still bitter about literally everything. Will yell about a missed call for a full two shifts. Probably right.

Matt Gilbert – The motor. If this team gets anywhere, it’ll be because Gilbert dragged them there. Watch for multiple games where he leads the team in takeaways and Corsi, not that anyone knows what that is.

Brandon Popham – Demands top-line minutes, then posts a -4. But hey, he’s got the heart of a lion and the lungs of a pack-a-day smoker. Expect big moments, followed by bigger naps.

Ray Salvano – One of “many” Rays. Still finding his place in the chaos. Strong candidate for “Most Forgotten Goal of the Season.” We may also ask for his middle name to prevent more “Ray” confusion.

Ron Ylagan – Last seen wandering in the offensive zone while his coverage scored. Somehow still picks up points through sheer proximity to other players.

Zack Merullo – Still chasing phantom assists. Likely to lead the league in questions about stat-keeping. He reffed once, too. That makes him a keeper.

Greg Artzberger (G) – Brings the intensity of a thousand suns or the tranquility of a yoga retreat — depends on the weather, moon cycle, and whether or not Jaiden is yelling at him.

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🚧 Interstate 35 (Captain: Penn | Goalie: Felipe Rodriguez)

“The Overdog, Until They’re Not”

Penn – Captain of Cool. When he’s around, he’s dominant. When he’s not, the group falls apart like a Jenga tower mid-earthquake. Plans to win the scoring title again unless Vegas calls.

Neil Lewis – Quiet sniper. Nobody knows how he scores or when. Just that he does. The I-35 version of Glenn Domingo, but with a better shot.

Dixon – Has quietly become a reliable force. Will look you in the eye while scoring on you. Could break out this season if he stops pretending to be humble. None of this is true.

Augie – Plays hockey like it’s an improv set. Wild decisions. Occasional brilliance. But hey, he has fun, and he makes great locker room banter.

Ian Chase – Dangerous shot. Dangerous stride. Sometimes forgets he’s not playing pond hockey. Still manages 2 goals a game without breaking a sweat.

Jacob Hernandez – Oddly probably going to dangle past you. We’ve never seen someone hold on to the puck for no reason other than to increase his time of possession stats. Good luck keeping him contained.

Kevin Shanahan – The anti-Mallery. Smart, calm, and efficient. Always in the right spot. Always. Has he sold his soul for positioning?

Mike Mallery – Local punching bag. The refs hate him. His teammates chirp him. Somehow, he still plays 3 minutes too many each night. Still leads the league in missed calls directly in front of the refs.

Micah Deary – Breakout star last season. Will this be the year he puts it all together? Depends on the number of assists he gets from Penn. Will quietly sulk on the bench if Jake out-scores him.

Felipe Rodriguez (G) – Still has the best pads in the league. May switch teams mid-season just to make things interesting. Often takes his net and bench swaps way too seriously.

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🏁 Final Thoughts & Loose Predictions

• Best Line Combo: Gilbert–Jaiden–Casella (if they can stand each other for more than 8 minutes).
• Biggest Meltdown Incoming: Collin + Junior + Ray O in a one-goal loss.
• Most Goals, Fewest Celebrations: Neil Lewis.
• First Player to Rage-Quit Mid-Game: Popham, after not getting power play time.
• League MVP (Most Volatile Personality): BVV. Easily.

Let the games begin. Traffic metaphors, emotional blow-ups, and forgotten goals await. SARHL: Where nothing matters, but everything’s personal.

The 2024 Fall season concluded just under a month ago, and after nearly a month of wallowing, self-pitty, and a shame spiral that held the weight of 1000 suns, we will finally say congrats to these bums…

We still can’t believe another team that has both Odom and Dixon wins another ‘ship. It’s like Make-A-Wish comes out in full force when those two are together.