Summer is finally over. Chaos reigns supreme!
After several months away from organized league play, SARHL players return refreshed, rejuvenated, and presumably having learned absolutely nothing.
Three teams enter the season. One team leaves alive… in a perfect world.
There are returning veterans. There are new players. There are people whose identities we’re not entirely sure about. There are no listed goalies, which feels like a fairly significant oversight but also somebody else’s problem.
And for reasons nobody has adequately explained, the teams are named after movies which lends to difficulties in remarking on them during the recap process. But who cares about the guy that actually has to write this hot garbage out.
Let’s meet these disasters.
DONNIE DARKO
Captain: Andrew Minerd
Andrew Minerd enters another season as captain, presumably because nobody found the paperwork required to make him stop.
Minerd’s roster is fascinating because it could either be the most balanced team in the league or nine people staring at one another waiting for somebody else to do something.
Ricky Dominguez returns to the league, but this time as a skater rather than a goalie. This is exciting because Ricky can finally experience what it’s like to watch someone else surrender terrible goals and immediately blame them.
Augie Vargas brings “speed”, “offense”, and the probability of committing a penalty against someone who doesn’t currently possess the puck. No matter where the puck is, this is the guy to watch.
Ryan Lewis remains one of the league’s enduring mysteries. Every time you watch him, you think he’s good, maybe even great. Every time you look at the scoring leaders, you wonder what happened. Perhaps this is finally the season those two realities meet.
They won’t.
Mike Mallery returns because apparently there were no laws preventing it. He’ll play defense until approximately twelve seconds after the opening faceoff, at which point he’ll be discovered behind the opposing net waiting for a pass. If he scores, Donnie Darko automatically wins regardless of the actual score. We established this years ago. This often neglected and forgotten rule is the only reason Mallery is taken before the 8th round in the draft.
Reuben Lima returns after an extended absence. Nobody knows what he’s been doing. Nobody has asked. We’re simply happy he remembered where the rink is.
David Narvaiz might quietly be one of Minerd’s most important picks. He scores, he works well with almost everybody, and if Brandon Popham happens to be anywhere nearby, he’ll probably start humming the “My Buddy” song (from the 80s commercials) and wander toward the wrong bench.
Nathan Motz emerged last season as an actual problem for opposing teams. That’s unfortunate because we’d much rather make fun of him. Give us time.
Then there’s Erik Hillskemper.
We know Erik, but we can’t picture him.
We just picture a Viking.
Not an impressive Viking standing at the bow of a longship with his magnificent beard blowing in the North Atlantic wind, either.
More like a Viking who was asked to guard the village while everybody else went pillaging.
We’re sure this will make more sense once we see him.
The Outlook
This roster has very few obvious holes.
Minerd has scoring. He has speed. He has responsible players. He also has Mallery, but the league has a “everybody gets drafted” rule for a reason.
The biggest concern may be whether everyone accepts their role. There are enough players here who like having the puck that one may not be sufficient.
Completely Unscientific Prediction: 1st
Minerd will immediately hate that we’ve done this to him.
FEAR & LOATHING
Captain: Junior Yupanqui
Junior’s team is an absolute masterpiece.
Not necessarily a hockey masterpiece.
More like something painted during a gas leak.
Brandon Popham separates from his longtime associates and begins another season trying to convince everyone he’s an offensive superstar. Unfortunately, he occasionally provides evidence.
Faye Hadley survived playing with Junior last season, which should make everything else in life seem relatively easy. Fire? Easy. Flood? Manageable. Junior mumbling unsolicited tactical instructions from the bench? She’s used to this.
And speaking of which…
Jaiden Hernandez and Junior Yupanqui are teammates.
We need to appreciate this.
Junior somehow wins a lot. Jaiden finds ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
I want to say this should be like an acid meeting a base, but it has the potential to be so much more violent… like a hurricane meeting a tornado. We’re excited to see how this experiment plays out.
Chuck Galwell returns from wherever SARHL players go when they disappear for a while. We’re told he’s here to play hockey, although there’s still a reasonable possibility he wandered into Fairchild looking for his AARP card and someone handed him a stick.
Cesar is either new or returning. With no last name, we’re just assuming nothing.
Excellent start.
We’ve officially reached the point where our player database has the same accuracy as medieval census records.
Nicholas is new.
AJ is also new.
Welcome, gentlemen.
We know nothing about either of you, which means these are unquestionably the nicest things we’ll ever write.
Enjoy it.
Adam Dixon returns with his complete inability to determine where a shot is going before releasing it. Goalies cannot read Dixon because Dixon cannot read Dixon. That’s not chaos. That’s competitive advantage.
Brian Van Vlymen has once again promised to attend hockey games.
We’ve heard this before.
When present, BVV remains one of the league’s better offensive players. His preferred strategy continues to involve taking possession of the puck, ignoring all available passing options, and eventually producing something useful enough that everyone forgets why they were yelling.
The Outlook
This could be the best team.
This could be the worst team.
This could somehow be both during the same game.
There is legitimate talent everywhere, but Junior and Jaiden sharing leadership oxygen creates possibilities no predictive model can properly account for.
If everything clicks, they’re dangerous.
If it doesn’t, the bench conversations alone will be worth arriving early for.
Completely Unscientific Prediction: 3rd
Not because they’re bad.
Because placing Junior and Jaiden together and expecting stability violates several known principles of chemistry.
FAST & FURIOUS
Captain: David Penn
Of course Penn drafted Jake.
There are constants in life.
Death.
Taxes.
Humidity.
Captain Penn finding Jacob Hernandez and carrying him around like a toddler’s security blanket.
Jake reportedly still believes someone owes him a Sizzler gift card from several seasons ago. At this point, with inflation, the league’s liability may exceed the operating budget.
Ray Ortega joins them, bringing $2, several grievances, and the capacity to become furious about something that happened three shifts ago.
Kevin Shanahan returns for another season of being simultaneously better and worse than you remembered. Kevin’s greatest ability remains convincing everyone that whatever is happening is exactly what he intended.
Down 5-1?
“We have them right where we want them.”
History suggests he will eventually be correct again.
Ian Chase returns with the promise of more geometrically impossible goals that still have our brains melting.
Travis Laveault quietly became one of the more dependable players last time around, which is terrible for our purposes. Hopefully he’s spent the summer developing some glaring personal flaw we can exploit editorially.
Matt Gilbert returns presumably still seeking someone willing to engage him in an unnecessary altercation. Augie is on Donnie Darko.
Circle that matchup.
Neil Lewis remains the league’s inexplicable nice person. Every ecosystem needs balance, and apparently Neil was assigned the miserable task of counteracting everyone else’s personalities.
And finally, James Webber.
We have a last name!
Last season he was simply James W., an identity that sounded less like a hockey player and more like someone providing testimony under a cooperation agreement.
He scored his first SARHL goal and received approximately four seconds of recognition before Collin Iacarella reminded everyone that Collin had returned.
This season, James gets an entire name.
Progress.
The Outlook
Penn may have assembled the least ridiculous roster.
That’s not necessarily the highest compliment, but in this league it matters.
There is scoring throughout the lineup, several players who can actually defend when properly motivated, and enough veteran experience to survive the inevitable nonsense.
The biggest question is whether they have enough top-end firepower to keep pace when games become track meets.
The second-biggest question is how long Penn can go before telling his entire bench that they’re hot garbage and taking every other shift himself.
Completely Unscientific Prediction: 2nd
Solid.
Deep.
Competent.
Disgustingly reasonable.
We’ll fix that.
PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS THAT WILL IMMEDIATELY AGE POORLY
1. Donnie Darko
Minerd has the deepest-looking roster on paper. Motz, Narvaiz, Lewis and Augie provide plenty of offense, and there’s enough veteran presence behind them to make this team irritatingly competent.
Mallery remains the emergency brake.
2. Fast & Furious
Penn has constructed a team with relatively few obvious weaknesses and, more importantly, fewer personalities likely to stage a coup.
Ray could still do it.
Never underestimate Ray.
3. Fear & Loathing
Potentially explosive.
We refuse to specify whether that means offensively or internally.
QUESTIONS ENTERING THE SEASON
Will BVV actually show up?
The magic 8-ball places the probability somewhere between “maybe” and “check back later.”
Can Junior and Jaiden coexist?
Absolutely.
For several minutes at a time.
And if not, we all win.
Who are Nicholas and AJ?
For now, innocent men.
What happened to the goalies?
Excellent question. Better question is, “Do we care?”
Is Erik actually a Viking?
Almost certainly not.
But this narrative has already left the station.
Will Adam Dixon know where his shots are going?
Don’t be ridiculous. He barely knows where his bus is going.
Will Jake finally receive his Sizzler gift card?
At this point the gift card has become less of a prize and more of a religious prophecy.
Will the scoresheets contain enough information to reconstruct these games?
Probably not.
That’s no longer necessary.
FINAL WORD
Three teams.
Twenty-eight skaters.
No assigned goalies.
Several people we’re not completely certain we’ve met.
And an editorial policy that no longer requires events to have actually occurred.
This may be our finest season yet.