Let’s kick off this season the right way — with some unfair assumptions, petty predictions, and loosely researched nonsense. Below is your 2025 SARHL Spring Season Preview, by team and by player. Expect sweeping generalizations, unwarranted critiques, and occasional praise for no reason.
🛣️ Interstate 10 (Captain: Junior | Goalie: Taylor Newton)
“The Defensive Juggernauts of Sleepytime Hockey”
Junior – The eternal captain of calm. Leads with his words more than his play, unless his ego is poked — then he nets 4 and disappears for two weeks. One day, he’ll lead the league in scoring. That day is not today.
Collin Iacarella – Certified weapon. Brings 100% effort 50% of the time. Still allergic to passing. Wears a grimace like it’s part of his gear.
Ashton Baggett – Quietly excellent when he shows up. Could score more if he wasn’t worried about being “that guy.” This season, maybe be that guy.
David Narvaiz – Aka “The Skating Scientist.” Brings GoPro footage and dad energy. Got a taste of glory with his first goal last season (Or was it the season before? Either way, his total stands at 1, right?) and may never score again. Always thinking two plays ahead… unfortunately, nobody else is.
Glenn Domingo – The ghost of consistency. Will make a perfect defensive stop then vanish into the fog. Could be league MVP if someone could prove he actually exists.
Ray Ortega – Heating up at the end of last season. Could be dangerous if he remembers to show up before the third period. The only Ray with enough clout to not need a last name clarification.
Rick Odom – Falls more than anyone, yet somehow always ends up back on his feet. Makes one magical play per season. It’s usually an accident, though.
Ryan Lewis – Not to be confused with any other Lewis. Underrated and under-scored. The kind of guy who gets 2 goals in a game and no one remembers.
David Foss – The elder statesman. Brings a folding chair and a lunch pail. Gets chirped more than anyone but never chirps back. That’s power. Canadian power.
Taylor Newton (G) – Calm in the crease. Coffee in hand. Newspaper in the bag. Always one weird bounce away from pitching a shutout or giving up 10. The most stoic man in SARHL.
🔁 Loop 1604 (Captain: Andrew Minerd | Goalie: Greg Artzberger)
“Where Chemistry Goes to Die”
Andrew Minerd – Captain. Ref. Goalie. Forward. Defense. Conspiracy theorist. He’ll blame his wheels, the moon, or chili powder for a losing streak — anything but the actual play.
Brian Van Vlymen (BVV) – If you give him an inch, he’ll take a mile… and then use that space to set up a garbage time goal. If he only listened to his teammates. 3 goals, 0 passes incoming.
Alex Casella – If he starts hot, look out. If he starts slow, you won’t hear from him again until playoffs. The absolute embodiment of “your mileage may vary.”
Jaiden – Captain last season, conspiracy target this season. Still bitter about literally everything. Will yell about a missed call for a full two shifts. Probably right.
Matt Gilbert – The motor. If this team gets anywhere, it’ll be because Gilbert dragged them there. Watch for multiple games where he leads the team in takeaways and Corsi, not that anyone knows what that is.
Brandon Popham – Demands top-line minutes, then posts a -4. But hey, he’s got the heart of a lion and the lungs of a pack-a-day smoker. Expect big moments, followed by bigger naps.
Ray Salvano – One of “many” Rays. Still finding his place in the chaos. Strong candidate for “Most Forgotten Goal of the Season.” We may also ask for his middle name to prevent more “Ray” confusion.
Ron Ylagan – Last seen wandering in the offensive zone while his coverage scored. Somehow still picks up points through sheer proximity to other players.
Zack Merullo – Still chasing phantom assists. Likely to lead the league in questions about stat-keeping. He reffed once, too. That makes him a keeper.
Greg Artzberger (G) – Brings the intensity of a thousand suns or the tranquility of a yoga retreat — depends on the weather, moon cycle, and whether or not Jaiden is yelling at him.
🚧 Interstate 35 (Captain: Penn | Goalie: Felipe Rodriguez)
“The Overdog, Until They’re Not”
Penn – Captain of Cool. When he’s around, he’s dominant. When he’s not, the group falls apart like a Jenga tower mid-earthquake. Plans to win the scoring title again unless Vegas calls.
Neil Lewis – Quiet sniper. Nobody knows how he scores or when. Just that he does. The I-35 version of Glenn Domingo, but with a better shot.
Dixon – Has quietly become a reliable force. Will look you in the eye while scoring on you. Could break out this season if he stops pretending to be humble. None of this is true.
Augie – Plays hockey like it’s an improv set. Wild decisions. Occasional brilliance. But hey, he has fun, and he makes great locker room banter.
Ian Chase – Dangerous shot. Dangerous stride. Sometimes forgets he’s not playing pond hockey. Still manages 2 goals a game without breaking a sweat.
Jacob Hernandez – Oddly probably going to dangle past you. We’ve never seen someone hold on to the puck for no reason other than to increase his time of possession stats. Good luck keeping him contained.
Kevin Shanahan – The anti-Mallery. Smart, calm, and efficient. Always in the right spot. Always. Has he sold his soul for positioning?
Mike Mallery – Local punching bag. The refs hate him. His teammates chirp him. Somehow, he still plays 3 minutes too many each night. Still leads the league in missed calls directly in front of the refs.
Micah Deary – Breakout star last season. Will this be the year he puts it all together? Depends on the number of assists he gets from Penn. Will quietly sulk on the bench if Jake out-scores him.
Felipe Rodriguez (G) – Still has the best pads in the league. May switch teams mid-season just to make things interesting. Often takes his net and bench swaps way too seriously.
🏁 Final Thoughts & Loose Predictions
- Best Line Combo: Gilbert–Jaiden–Casella (if they can stand each other for more than 8 minutes).
- Biggest Meltdown Incoming: Collin + Junior + Ray O in a one-goal loss.
- Most Goals, Fewest Celebrations: Neil Lewis.
- First Player to Rage-Quit Mid-Game: Popham, after not getting power play time.
- League MVP (Most Volatile Personality): BVV. Easily.
Let the games begin. Traffic metaphors, emotional blow-ups, and forgotten goals await. SARHL: Where nothing matters, but everything’s personal.