Dignowity Gentrification vs. Legendary Stoners
For the second straight week, the Legendary Stoners proved they are the SARHL’s version of the ’94-95 New Jersey Devils—suffocating, methodical, and borderline unwatchable. And yet, they continue to get the job done, skating away with a 5-2 win over the struggling Dignowity Gentrification.
Final Score: Legendary Stoners 5, Dignowity Gentrification 2
Goal Scorers:
🟦 Dignowity Gentrification:
- Matt Gilbert (x1) – Finally got the team on the board, but one goal does not an offense make
- Chris DeGroff (x1) – May or may not have spent the intermission discussing the impact of deforestation on the neutral zone
🌿 Legendary Stoners:
- Will Newell (x1) – No flash, all sizzle
- Ryan Lewis (x2) – Two goals and a smile
- Zack Merullo (x2) – Stat-padding as expected
Game Notes:
Dignowity’s Scoring Woes Continue
Through two games, Dignowity Gentrification has come to the harsh realization that they lack primary scoring, secondary scoring, and, probably defense. Felipe Rodriguez did his best in net, keeping the game close for as long as he could, but when your offense only puts up two goals in this league, you’re not winning many games.
Junior Embraces His Playmaker Era
For the first time in his SARHL career, Junior Yupanqui has transitioned into a pass-first player. Held without a goal for the second consecutive game, Junior now has three assists on the season, cementing himself as the league’s first trans-playmaker. Whether this is a strategic adjustment or an elaborate psychological experiment remains to be seen.
Ryan and Zack Get the Job Done
As expected, Ryan Lewis and Zack Merullo each picked up a pair of goals, delivering exactly what was needed. Not flashy, not groundbreaking, just solid, predictable, and effective—everything the Stoners embody as a team.
Final Thoughts:
The Stoners continue to grind out wins, even if they’re lulling the rest of the league to sleep in the process. Meanwhile, Dignowity needs to find some scoring—quickly. Without a true offensive threat, this team could be headed for a long season of defensive zone nightmares and Mallery deep-diving into analytics for answers that don’t exist.
Southside Sicarios vs. Waste Management
What started as a seemingly clever roster management move by Sicarios captain Jaiden Hernandez quickly backfired in spectacular fashion. Alarmed at the possibility of his team getting downgraded so early in the season, Jaiden ordered his star forward Collin Iacarella to skip the game in an effort to quiet the offense for his team. What actually happened? Waste Management showed up and dragged the Sicarios through the garbage, rolling to a dominant 11-4 victory.
Final Score: Waste Management 11, Southside Sicarios 4
Goal Scorers:
🟥 Southside Sicarios:
- Ashton Baggett (x2) – A pleasant surprise
- Jaiden Hernandez (x2) – Someone has to score those “gimmees”
♻️ Waste Management:
- Captain Penn (x3) – Making up for lost time after last week’s no-show
- Alex Casella (x3) – Quietly racking up goals while the Sicarios watched
- Ian Chase (x2) – Somehow scored despite his shot trajectory suggesting otherwise
- Ray Salvano (x1) – Because everyone else was doing it
- Jacob Hernandez (x1) – Business as usual
- Greg Artzberger (x1) – Yes, the goalie. Yes, he scored. Let’s talk about it.
Game Notes:
Ashton Baggett’s Breakout – But At What Cost?
The lone bright spot for the Sicarios was the emergence of Ashton Baggett, who netted a pair of goals in a performance strong enough to put him in danger. If Jaiden latches onto him as his new binky, he might soon find himself buried under a mountain of bad passes and forced partnerships. Tread carefully, Ashton.
Sicarios Forget That Defense Exists
After their Week 1 victory, the Sicarios came into this game with the assumption that defense was an optional concept. They quickly learned the hard way that it is, in fact, a requirement for winning hockey games. The result? A relentless barrage of goals, many of which could have been avoided if anyone on the team had remembered their basic responsibilities.
Ian Chase: The League’s Most Confusing Player
In one of the most baffling goals of the season, Ian Chase somehow managed to score despite shooting the puck nearly 50 feet into the air. Sicarios goalie Felipe Rodriguez lost the puck in the bright lights of the deep dark sky, completely unaware that the puck had landed behind him and casually rolled into the net. While it took a solid 15 seconds for everyone to process what had just happened, Chase was seen putting his protractor and compass back onto the bench, muttering something about it being “all part of the plan.”
Captain Penn Makes Up for Lost Time
Having missed last week’s game, Captain Penn decided that one week without padding his stats was one week too many. He delivered a hat trick, effectively proving that he is, in fact, the best player in his own world, and that his presence might have actually prevented Waste Management’s slow start to the season.
Greg Artzberger, a Goalie, Scores a Goal
Let’s take a moment to acknowledge that goalie Greg Artzberger suited up as a skater for Waste Management and scored the most garbage goal of all garbage goals as any Artzberger goal must be a garbage goal by definition. While details remain murky, what we do know is he now has more goals than half the league’s skaters. Oof.
Final Thoughts:
- Waste Management has officially arrived. After a sluggish start, they now look like a team that can cause problems down the stretch—especially with Penn actually showing up.
- The Sicarios, on the other hand, need to reassess everything. Was Collin actually the problem? (No.) Should Jaiden reconsider his strategy? (Yes.) Is this defense sustainable? (Ask Felipe)
- Ian Chase’s physics-defying goal will haunt the league for years to come.
- Greg Artzberger now has bragging rights over several forwards. If that doesn’t shake up the league, nothing will.
With Week 2 in the books, we’re left with more questions than answers—and Week 3 can’t come fast enough.