Game 1 Recap
Drug Mules (I-10) 6 – Traffic Cones (Loop 1604) 5 – OT Thriller
“If only BVV were here…” – Everyone on the Traffic Cones bench, probably.
With a heat index matching the emotional fragility of these teams, the first game of Week 5 brought drama, lead changes, and just enough effort to make us care. In what can only be described as an accidental classic, the Drug Mules snuck past the Traffic Cones 6-5 in overtime. Yes, it was close. No, it wasn’t pretty.
The Ghost Squad (Who Wasn’t There)
- Traffic Cones
- BVV is away on walkabout finding himself and probably a few loose pucks from last season.
- Zack Merullo was reportedly nursing a bruised ego after realizing he couldn’t get an assist from the comfort of his couch.
- Drug Mules
- Collin is in the middle of a contract dispute involving mandatory warm-up laps and goal celebration clauses.
- Foss? Should we send for a wellness check?
- Rick and Glenn were placed on the “May Be Real People, May Not Be” list.
The Game
The Traffic Cones came out skating with a vengeance. Ryan Lewis, clearly unaware that this wasn’t a beer league championship game, opened the scoring with a beauty. Ray Ortega, clearly jealous of all the attention the refs have been giving Lewis, decided to net one himself. The refs still weren’t sure which Ray it was in a sea of Rays. Junior popped one while the Traffic Cones responded with goals from Andrew Minerd and Jaiden who celebrated like it was his first. “It’s all about tempo,” he claimed between periods, while asking where BVV kept his hair gel.
The second period saw Jaiden and Junior trade goals in what was an unremarkable second period. Junior, for his part, spent both periods chirping his team, the refs, and the arena lights. It was the only remarkable thing about the second period.
The third saw the Drug Mules extend their lead to two on a nice goal by Ashton Baggett, who up to this point, only helped his team by crop dusting Traffic Cones goalie Greg Artzberger. We couldn’t honestly tell if Greg was enjoying it or not.
To spice things up a bit, Matt Gilbert pulled the Cones to within 1 with 5 minutes remaining. He was last heard asking everyone, “Was that a goal? Is that good? Did I do good?” Jaiden would then cap off the comeback with a lazy goal that Taylor Newton had no desire to try and save.
The Ending
Tied 5-5 heading into overtime, both benches were gassed. The Cones were running on fumes, and the Mules were running on whatever’s left in Ray’s cooler (mostly Capri Suns and doubt).
Overtime was about as organized as a Jaiden line change, but it ended with a clean faceoff win by Junior back to Ryan who slid a 14mph wrister past a bewildered Artzberger to end the game. He celebrated by pointing at Ashton, claiming “I told you I’d win this game,” and then promptly forgot which team they played.
Final Thought:
The Traffic Cones lost in dramatic fashion, and we expect nothing less from a team saddled with Jaiden. The Mules pulled off the win in an unconvincing manner. And both teams agreed: it would’ve been nice if someone else reffed this one.
Game 2 Recap
Rush Hour (I-35) 5 – Traffic Cones (Loop 1604) 2
“The only thing lower than our energy was the scorekeeper’s effort.” – Everyone involved.
After their heartbreaking OT loss earlier in the evening, the Traffic Cones shuffled back out for Game 2 against Rush Hour, only to promptly lay a goose egg and take a 5-2 nap—er, loss.
Missing in Action
- Rush Hour
- Kevin Shanahan was reportedly working the midnight shift near a known San Antonio street corner.
- Dixon was last seen picking Kevin up from said corner, possibly in exchange for used shin guards.
- Micah has reached “officially missing” status. Rumor has it, he’s on the back of a Great Value milk carton.
But even with key pieces missing, Rush Hour had one thing the Traffic Cones didn’t: the ability to stay awake after 8:00 p.m.
The Game (As Best as We Can Piece Together)
The game got off to a roaring start with Augie potting one early. We say “early” because that’s the only goal anyone can confirm with any certainty as it appears at the top of the goals list. From there, the Traffic Cones collectively entered sleep mode.
Andrew Minerd, fresh off a Game 1 goal and likely still annoyed that Jaiden wore his jersey by accident in warmups, responded with a goal of his own. That would be the highlight of the night for the Cones.
Jaiden, still sore from carrying the offense in Game 1 and about an hour away from a tarantula-related near-death experience, would add the other goal for 1604. But his heart wasn’t in it. Sources say he scored the goal to impress said spider that had been stalking him all evening.
Neil Lewis, one of Rush Hour’s few consistently present players, found the back of the net on what we assume was a shot of some kind. Again, we have no period or time listed because our scorekeeper used hashmarks labeled “Shots” instead of filling in, well, the actual “Shots” section. He did, however, use very bold lines. So there’s that.
Jake scored as well, which has become a regular occurrence when he shows up, and Penn decided to pour in two of his own because someone had to be the adult in the room. To his credit, Penn only yelled at Shanahan twice throughout this game despite Shanahan not even being there. Practice makes perfect.
The Vibe
The Traffic Cones, already gassed from their overtime game earlier, looked about as energetic as a Mallery slapshot—big windup, no follow-through. When asked mid-game how he planned to motivate his squad, Andrew Minerd went right out on his next shift, whiffed on a shot, and simply muttered “God bless America.” It was the most passion seen all night.
Greg Artzberger, stuck in net again, quietly wondered if this team deserved saving. He made several solid saves, but with no backchecking and a defense that parted like the Red Sea anytime Augie skated in, there was only so much he could do.
Postgame Weirdness
As if the night wasn’t already odd enough, Jaiden was spotted on his way out with a tarantula crawling on his shoulder. “It’s the consolation spider,” he said, completely unprompted and assuming anyone was going to ask. “It only shows up after disappointing doubleheaders.” The spider could not be reached for comment.
Final Thought:
Rush Hour looked confident, composed, and coordinated. The Traffic Cones looked like they were on their third NyQuil of the evening. The scorekeeper is why we can’t have nice things.