Ah yes, Week 8 — the formalwear of SARHL weeks. Looks good on paper, but we all know it’s a polyester disaster. With first place clinched and standings locked in by the ever-sacred point percentage, we now arrive at what some are calling “the week of vibes.”
So what’s actually at stake?
Absolutely nothing.
But that won’t stop us from wildly speculating.
Game 1 Preview:
Rush Hour (5-3-1) vs. Traffic Cones (2-6-2)
“The Battle for Mid-tier Relevance”
This game pits Rush Hour, a team that always starts slow, against the Traffic Cones, a team that always ends slow. Something’s gotta give.
Rush Hour will be pulling double duty, but that just means Coach Penn is going to get two chances to give one of his infamous locker room speeches, filled with high-level tactical genius like “Skate faster” and “Score more than them.”
The Traffic Cones, meanwhile, are just hoping Minerd can convince someone — anyone — to show up. Gilbert might bring a lawn chair. Casella might pretend he’s subbing for the Mules. Ray Salvano will probably ghost unless there’s a buy-one-get-one smoothie special at the QuikTrip.
Expectations:
- If BVV returns from his sabbatical in the Himalayas, there’s a chance this is close. But we know that’s not happening, so we just got your hopes up for nothing.
- If Rush Hour starts Dixon, they’ll give up a goal in the first 15 seconds and we’ll call it tradition.
- Mallery will get at least one good chirp in before wandering into the offensive zone and forgetting why he’s there.
Prediction:
Rush Hour 5 – Traffic Cones 3, with Penn scoring a beauty and Ian Chase accidentally banking one in off his visor.
Game 2 Preview:
Rush Hour (Again) vs. Drug Mules (7-2-0)
“The Warm-Up for Playoffs That’s Actually Not a Warm-Up Because It Doesn’t Matter At All”
You’d think Rush Hour would use this opportunity to make a statement heading into the playoffs. But this is SARHL — nobody plays chess. This is Hungry Hungry Hippos on concrete.
The Drug Mules, already cemented in first place, might rest their star scorer Collin Iacarella, who still hasn’t broken a sweat this season despite only showing up for double-headers. Or maybe he plays just to add five more to his total while chirping the opposing bench from the faceoff dot.
Junior, probably still confused about how point percentage works, may run an illegal line of five forwards and no defense just to see what happens. He might even convince Taylor Newton to try playing left wing.
Rush Hour may be gassed from Game 1 or just vibing to the sounds of Mallery’s audible wheezing. Either way, they’ll rely on Felipe to keep them close, which feels like a great idea until it suddenly isn’t.
Expectations:
- Jake will try a spin-o-rama in the neutral zone and remain the slowest stick-handler out there. So slow, but so effective. Magic in action.
- Ray Ortega will spend the entire second period calling out his teammates’ line changes from the bench.
- Rick Odom may return, which won’t help but is always fun for the locker room dynamic.
Prediction:
Drug Mules 6 – Rush Hour 4, with Ashton scoring one goal and then disappearing into the shadows like the enigma he is… or the fart in the wind he can be.
Week 8 Themes:
- No stakes, all snark.
- Bad line changes.
- More effort in post-game excuses than on-ice shifts.
Buckle up, folks. The games may be meaningless, but the chirps are eternal.