Ah yes, nothing says “Olympic spirit” like civic betrayal, fake tamale bribes, and glorified beer league hockey. The SARHL has entered its international phase — and it promises to be just as confusing, under-attended, and overly competitive as every other season.
Let’s break down the teams, the personalities, and the chaos we’re guaranteed to witness.
🟢 Team Italy
Captain: Junior Yupanqui
Goalie: Felipe Rodriguez
Tagline: “We’re here for the fashion. And to skate… maybe.”
Team Italy has just enough sauce to be dangerous — and just enough Ray to be confusing.
Notables:
- Junior is still running the most stealthy bench in the league. You’ll never hear him, but somehow he gets the matchups he wants.
- Felipe tried to quit hockey until he was promised free tamales. We’re 100% certain this is a lie, and he knows it. Expect passive-aggressive post-game comments around Week 3.
- David Narvaiz is still wearing a GoPro and still refusing to release the footage.
- Ray Ortega + Ray Salvano? The only thing more confusing than two Rays on one team is the existential crisis BVV will have when he’s expected to pass to one of them.
- Gilbert will quietly do everything, and Ashton will quietly do nothing — unless it’s Week 2, because he always scores in Week 2.
- Dixon is on the team. That’s it. That’s the note.
Early Prediction:
This team will randomly blow out a top seed and then forget how to score for two straight weeks. Expect solid middle-tier chaos.
Record: 6-2-0
🔴 Team Russia
Captain: Jaiden Hernandez
Goalie: Greg Artzberger
Tagline: “Banned from the podium. But not from complaints.”
Team Russia is the perfect Jaiden-led team — flashy on the surface, but once you dig in, it’s just vibes and excuses.
Notables:
- Jaiden is the most fitting captain for Russia. Suspicious absences, odd substitutions, and delusions of grandeur.
- Artzberger might fake an injury if Jaiden blames one more loss on his “inconsistent pads.”
- Collin Iacarella will skate like an MVP and then vanish like a ghost on the wind for two straight weeks. Call it the Collin Cycle™.
- Kevin Shanahan will either be your best player or an unwilling ref by the end of the night.
- Jacob Hernandez is on this team. Without his binky, Coach Penn, he’s going to become irritatingly tepid at best.
- Ian Chase + Travis Levault form the most unpredictable duo since Coke + Mentos.
- Ryan Lewis promises to be chirping like an elite forward, and skating like he’s got PTO left.
- Augie is like a vintage Lada — if it starts up, it’ll go fast… but don’t bet on it.
Early Prediction:
This team will chirp a lot, claim moral victories, and lose in a game where they outshoot the other team 32–14. The chemistry might never gel, but if this squad lines up right, there’s firepower. Or a total collapse. No in-between.
Record: 2-4-2, but somehow +3 in the chirp differential.
⚪️ Team Czechia
Captain: Andrew Minerd
Goalie: Taylor Newton
Tagline: “Low expectations. Lower energy.”
Czechia comes in as the most SARHL-ready squad: defensive-minded, largely disinterested, and already prepping excuses for losses.
Notables:
- Minerd will accidentally lead the team in points by mid-season and then deny he ever scored.
- Taylor will do just enough in net to make you wonder if you’re dreaming or watching paint dry.
- Dave Foss has been skating since the Austro-Hungarian Empire dissolved. Still has the best hair.
- Micah Deary may or may not exist. If he shows up, he’ll score. If not, check the milk cartons.
- Mallery is still convinced he’s a stay-at-home defenseman. The thing he doesn’t understand about that is his team wants him to stay home.
- Popham thinks he’s captain when Minerd’s not looking. Spoiler: he’s not.
- Neil Lewis is more efficient than the rest of his team, but also less visible. Most who have played with him are still asking, “Who is this guy?”
- Rick Odom only shows up to remind everyone he was here before being here was cool.
- Darin is someone we know noting about, so we assume he’s either in witness protection or a high-level beer league prospect from “somewhere up north.” We’ll call him Darin von Mystery and assume he’s friends with Dixon.
Early Prediction:
This team starts 0-2, looks like they’re imploding, then backdoors their way into the championship after scoring 6 total goals in the regular season. Foss and Odom bring veteran calm (read: reduced skating), while the rest try to keep the bench lively.
Record: 4-3-1, then 2-0 in the playoffs.
🏅 Final Outlook:
This season will be chaotic. Players will forget which “Ray” they’re passing to. Jaiden will blame at least one goal on the ice being “too American.” And by Week 4, we’ll all be wondering why we didn’t just switch to pickleball.
But that’s SARHL.
Projected Standings:
| RANK | TEAM | RECORD | NARRATIVE |
| 🥇 | Italy | 6-2-0 | Balanced, dangerous, still owes Felipe tamales. |
| 🥈 | Czechia | 4-3-1 | Solid, mysterious, just unpredictable enough. |
| 🥉 | Russia | 2-4-2 | Stacked with talent, but run by Jaiden. |
Let the Olympic mayhem begin.
No medals. No refs. No tamales. Just SARHL.