With the winter season finally wrapped up in the most SARHL way possible, we are on to the spring season which will venture into uncharted territory as we will crown our newest champions midway through July. If nothing else, the league should collectively lose about 500lbs thanks to the sauna-like conditions.
Here are the new teams as decided by the captains over a shared bowl of bottomless chips and salsa and frosty glasses of water at Chilis.
Titos Punch
- (C) Jaiden Hernandez – We don’t need to go any deeper on this team list to know this team is going to be lucky to qualify for the playoffs.
- Jacob Hernandez – Happily reports every season still thinking that he is owed a Sizzler gift card.
- Ian Chase – Reporting for duty with protractor in hand.
- Ray Ortega – With $2 and a bad attitude, he’ll ruin anyone’s day.
- Neil Lewis – Because this team needs a good ol’ fashioned nice guy.
- Mike Mallery – Drafted out of pity, not necessity.
- Roger Sanftner – New enough to not know what he’s gotten himself in to.
- David Penn – Back from a shoulder injury that occurred by extensive “self patting on the back” after every goal he scored in a tourney.
- Sonny M – The new guy. We’ll make him feel real welcome soon.
- Brian Van Vlymen – Swears he’ll be here for more games. He just didn’t hear his alarm clock going off.
Sauced Mozz
- (C) Andrew Minerd – Finally stepping out of the foreboding shadows of Popham and Mallery on his teams, and he says the air never smelled so fresh.
- Kevin Shanahan – Looks out of place on any team, so may as well be on this one.
- Ryan Lewis – We’re always surprised this guy doesn’t score more. Nothing will change this season, either.
- Matt Gilbert – Begging for a slap-fight rematch with Augie.
- David Foss – Minerd’s kryptonite; if you can’t beat him, draft him to your team.
- Alex Casella – Somehow has a mystique that he performs way better than reality dictates.
- Zack Merullo – Back from injury and ready to play full time. Has brought an entire bag full of assists he insists are his own.
- James W – Another new guy. We’re watching you.
- Collin Iacarella – When he shows up, he scores. Just needs to do more of that first part.
Big Smasher
- (C) Junior Yupanqui – Dealing with the championship hangover. The rest of the captains have secretly plotted for him to win every season as the winning captain should pick up the tab for the draft.
- Augie Vargas – Easily good for a few penalties per game.
- Travis Laveault – His draft stock was on the rise after last season. Are we going to see a sophomore slump?
- David Narvaiz – Even after winning the ‘ship, begged not to be on another Junior team.
- Adam Dixon – Junior keeps him around for good luck. Often seen having his hair tustled by Junior when he needs a goal.
- Darrin Eash – Willingly came back for another season.
- Brandon Popham – No Mallery, no Minerd, no problem.
- Nathan Motz – Quickly turning into a Junior translator.
- Faye Hadley – If playing with Jaiden didn’t scare her off, playing with Junior surely will.
- Greg A – New guy or Artzberger skating out a little this season? Either way, word is this guy is a menace.
- Micah Deary – Junior believed the other captains when they said “his attendance is consistent.”
Goalies will rotate based on availability and need.
- Taylor Newton – When he tries, he can steal a game. The trick is getting him to try for anyone in this league.
- Felipe Rodriguez – Wins his first championship in just short of forever. Renewed motivation to play in this league.
- Greg Artzberger – Wants to only play for the team with the best defense. Smart.
- Rick Odom – Has learned that if he just lays on his side against both goal posts, he can cover about 70% of the net.
- Brady – He’s going to learn real quick…