Fear & Loathing Gets the Doubleheader, Donnie Darko Searches for Signs of Life, and Fast & Furious Has Become Annoyingly Successful
We’ve reached Week 3, which means the standings are beginning to tell us things we don’t particularly want to hear.
Fast & Furious is 3-0.
Fear & Loathing is 1-0-1.
Donnie Darko is 0-3.
One of those teams was our preseason favorite.
We’ll let you figure out which one.
This week, Fear & Loathing gets doubleheader duty, opening against the still-winless Donnie Darko before finishing the evening against undefeated Fast & Furious.
For F&L, it’s an opportunity to take control of the league.
For F&F, it’s a chance to continue pretending everything is going according to plan.
For Donnie Darko, we’re simplifying the objective:
Win a hockey game.
Any hockey game.
Please.
GAME 1: FEAR & LOATHING vs. DONNIE DARKO
Something Has to Give, Unless Donnie Darko Does First
Donnie Darko enters Week 3 at 0-3.
That’s impressive.
Not good.
Impressive.
They’ve tried having everybody.
They’ve tried missing people.
They’ve tried three lines.
They’ve tried fewer lines.
They’ve tried building a five-goal comeback.
Nothing works.
At this point, Auggie may need to start throwing fists to give this team some life.
Donnie Darko’s Latest Problem: Finishing
Last week’s loss should bother DD more than either opening-night defeat.
They were down 5-1.
Then they scored five straight.
Nathan Motz completed a hat trick.
Ryan Lewis scored.
Mike Mallery scored twice.
They took a 6-5 lead.
All Donnie Darko had to do was survive approximately two more minutes.
They lost 7-6.
That’s not a hockey loss.
That’s performance art.
Captain Andrew Minerd returns to a team that demonstrated exactly why it might need a captain.
His first order of business should be explaining that once you’ve completed the miraculous comeback, you’re allowed to stop making things interesting.
The Motz Situation
Nathan Motz had an unusual Week 2.
First, he played for Fast & Furious and recorded a goal and two assists.
Then he returned to Donnie Darko and scored three times against Fast & Furious.
Six points.
Two uniforms.
Zero loyalty.
If Nathan somehow ends up substituting for Fear & Loathing this week, we’re requesting a league investigation.
Not because it’s illegal.
Mostly because we’d like to know what team he’s actually on.
Fear & Loathing Has Been Quietly Good
That’s perhaps the strangest development of the season.
Fear & Loathing hasn’t been particularly chaotic.
They haven’t imploded.
Perhaps Jaiden being sidelined is the special ingredient that makes this team effective.
Popham has remained within normal Popham tolerances.
BVV has actually shown up.
Adam Dixon has been useful.
Chuck Gawell scored twice last week despite us spending the preseason preparing his retirement ceremony.
This team is… functional?
That can’t continue. Can it?
The Dixon Faceoff Defense
We are once again begging opposing centers to acknowledge Adam Dixon.
If Fear & Loathing has an offensive-zone draw and Dixon is standing somewhere that looks remotely threatening:
Tie him up.
That’s it.
That’s the scouting report.
Don’t look at the puck.
Don’t wonder what Junior is doing.
Don’t listen to Jaiden.
Tie Dixon up. We understand these words excites him, but they need to be said.
KEY MATCHUP: Andrew Minerd vs. 0-4
Minerd has faced difficult opponents before.
None have been as dangerous as the number zero.
Donnie Darko cannot possibly keep losing.
Statistically, that’s not true.
But emotionally, we’d like to believe it.
PLAYER TO WATCH: Nathan Motz
He’s been one of the most productive players in the league.
The question is which team benefits from it this week.
COMPLETELY UNRELIABLE PREDICTION
DD is desperate.
F&L has the second game in the back of its mind.
Minerd is back.
Motz is producing.
Mallery has apparently discovered scoring.
This feels like the week.
Donnie Darko 6, Fear & Loathing 4
That’s right.
We’re doing it again.
Eventually we’ll be correct.
GAME 2: FEAR & LOATHING vs. FAST & FURIOUS
The Rematch Nobody Needed to Wait Very Long For
Last week these teams met undefeated.
Fast & Furious escaped 5-4 in overtime.
Now they do it again.
The difference?
Fast & Furious gets to sit around during Game 1 while Fear & Loathing burns energy dealing with whatever Donnie Darko throws at them.
That’s a significant advantage.
It also gives Penn approximately an entire game’s worth of time to stand near the rink, watch Fear & Loathing and formulate opinions.
Nobody needs that.
David Penn Is Becoming a Problem
Week 1:
Two goals, one assist.
Week 2:
Four goals, four assists across the doubleheader.
Fast & Furious:
3-0.
This has gone too far.
Penn already possesses a healthy belief in his hockey abilities.
Giving him statistical evidence was reckless.
He scored a hat trick against F&L last week, including the overtime winner after Fear & Loathing inexplicably allowed him a clean breakaway.
That’s like leaving your wallet on a park bench and being surprised when it disappears.
This week’s defensive plan should be more sophisticated:
James Webber’s Disturbing Development
James Webber scored once against Fear & Loathing.
Then twice against Donnie Darko.
He also picked up assists.
This is unacceptable.
James was much easier to work with when we didn’t know his last name.
Now he’s becoming a legitimate offensive threat.
At this pace we’ll eventually have to treat him respectfully.
Nobody wants that.
Ray Has Arrived
Ray Ortega scored twice last week.
That’s good news for Fast & Furious.
It’s bad news for everyone who has to interact with Ray after he remembers he’s good.
We assume his operating budget remains approximately $2.
Inflation has not affected the attitude.
Fear & Loathing’s Fatigue Problem
F&L will enter Game 2 after playing Donnie Darko.
Fast & Furious will enter Game 2 after sitting around watching.
This usually matters.
By the third period, F&L’s shifts will get longer.
Backchecking will become optional.
Junior will start conserving energy by pointing at where other people should go.
Popham will continue moving because apparently irritation is renewable energy.
Chuck may need to leave for bed.
And Jaiden will explain that he isn’t tired while keeping score.
This is where F&F should have the advantage.
Unless Fast & Furious Gets Comfortable
There is one danger.
They’re 3-0.
They’ve already beaten both opponents.
They’ve survived overtime.
They’ve survived blowing a 5-1 lead.
Fast & Furious may begin believing they’re actually good.
That’s when the ol’ SARHL gets you.
One strange bounce.
One inexplicable goal.
One shot into the pickleball courts.
One Popham goal followed by slightly more unbearable levels of Popham.
Suddenly Penn is standing on the bench explaining what everyone did wrong while Junior smirks from across the rink.
KEY MATCHUP: David Penn vs. His Growing Ego
Nobody on Fear & Loathing has demonstrated the ability to stop Penn.
We’re turning to the only force powerful enough:
Penn himself.
Four goals and four assists last week.
Undefeated record.
Overtime winner.
Captain.
This situation could become unstable.
PLAYER TO WATCH: Brian Van Vlymen
BVV has been one of Fear & Loathing’s best players through two weeks.
Yes, we’re surprised too.
Mostly because he’s shown up.
COMPLETELY UNRELIABLE PREDICTION
Fast & Furious has fresh legs.
Fear & Loathing doesn’t.
Penn is scoring everything.
Webber has become useful.
Ray has started contributing.
F&F has already beaten them once.
Everything points one direction.
Which makes us deeply suspicious.
Still:
Fast & Furious 7, Fear & Loathing 5
Penn scores twice.
Junior becomes increasingly irritated.
Jaiden offers suggestions from the scorekeeper’s booth.
Those suggestions do not improve Junior’s mood.
WEEK 3 STORYLINES
Can Donnie Darko Actually Go 0-4?
Yes.
Next question.
Can Fast & Furious Actually Go 4-0?
Also yes.
This is somehow more disturbing.
Is Chuck Gawell Actually Good?
We’re uncomfortable with how this investigation is progressing.
Will We Learn Cesar’s Last Name?
No.
Let’s establish reasonable expectations.
What About Austin Something or Other?
We barely know Austin’s first name.
One mystery at a time.
How Many Teams Will Motz Play For?
Current season total: two.
There are only three teams.
Complete the set, Nathan.
POTENTIAL DISASTER OF THE NIGHT
Fear & Loathing loses Game 1.
Junior doesn’t like something.
Jaiden explains it.
Junior disagrees with the explanation.
Jaiden explains the explanation.
Popham attempts mediation while somehow making things worse.
BVV wanders away.
Chuck checks the time.
Game 2 starts.
Penn scores 30 seconds later.
We reach critical mass.
WEEK 3 PREDICTIONS
Game 1: Donnie Darko 6, Fear & Loathing 4
DD finally gets one.
We’re willing this into existence.
Game 2: Fast & Furious 7, Fear & Loathing 5
F&F stays undefeated.
Fear & Loathing gets swept in its doubleheader and immediately becomes far more entertaining.
FINAL WORD
Week 3 presents three very different missions.
Donnie Darko needs to prove it can actually win.
Fear & Loathing needs to survive the doubleheader.
Fast & Furious needs to stop giving Penn reasons to feel good about himself.
We consider the third objective the most important.
DD is 0-3 despite having one of the league’s most talented rosters.
F&L is 1-0-1 despite being constructed around a Junior-Jaiden leadership experiment that was promised to be more entertaining than anything else in the league.
F&F is 3-0 despite nearly blowing a four-goal lead last week.
Nothing makes sense.
Everyone is exactly where they belong.