San Antonio Roller Hockey League
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Important Info
06/14/2026
Week 4
8:00 PM | Big Smasher (H) vs Titos Punch (A)
9:00 PM | Big Smasher (H) vs Sauced Mozz (A)
We are a little behind on stats and updates this week. They will be completed ASAP.
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Last site update: 06/13/26 01:28
Game Previews
Week 1 Preview
🥇 WEEK 1 PREVIEW – SARHL Olympic Edition
Now featuring national pride, inflated egos, and missing captains!
Game 1: Russia 🇷🇺 vs Italy 🇮🇹
Known Absences:
- 🇷🇺 Jaiden – Emotionally unavailable after the Patriots game. Could be drunk, could be sulking, could be both.
- 🇮🇹 Junior – Off at NARCh, where he’s probably running perfect line changes and not saying a word. We don’t expect him to bring that work ethic back with him.
Storyline:
Russia opens the season hosting Italy in a matchup that promises plenty of offense, confusion, and probably a lot of Ray-on-Ray action that no one asked for.
With Jaiden out, Russia may actually function better for a period or two before realizing they’re still being captained via group text. Expect Ryan Lewis to take over the bench by yelling passive-aggressive things like “Guess I’ll just stay out until someone calls me off then.”
On Italy’s side, no Junior means Felipe is backstopping a rotating cast of chaos. BVV will refuse to pass unless a Ray is open. Ashton will score on his first shot, then disappear into the vapor. Gilbert will do all the work and get none of the credit.
Key Matchup:
Collin Iacarella vs David Narvaiz’s GoPro footage. One of them is scoring tonight. The other is uploading to YouTube with dramatic music.
Wild Prediction:
Italy goes up 4-0 in the first 10 minutes and nearly blows it. Russia claws back late, but Felipe makes one big save and demands his tamales on the bench.
📈 Prediction: Italy 6 – Russia 5
Game 2: Russia 🇷🇺 vs Czechia 🇨🇿
Known Absences:
- 🇨🇿 Taylor Newton – Also at NARCh, rumored to be scouting replacement goalies for when he inevitably “forgets his skates” mid-season.
Storyline:
Russia pulls the double-header in Week 1 — meaning Greg Artzberger will likely need a milk crate to sit on between games. But facing Czechia without their usual wall of a goalie (he stops enough pucks to be considered a wall but also moves as often as one), this game may open up for a full-on track meet.
That said, Czechia doesn’t really “track” or “meet.” Their cardio plan involves slow shifts, slower changes, and relying heavily on Minerd to “accidentally” score twice and not remember either time.
Expect Popham to yell “wheel!” at least six times. Mallery will trip over a stick and call it interference. Micah might show up and immediately call for the puck. Neil Lewis will quietly collect a couple points and then vanish like a Czech spy in 1967.
Key Matchup:
Can Russia’s second wind (if they have one) overpower Czechia’s first and only gear?
Wild Prediction:
Darin von Mystery scores the game-winner and no one learns his last name.
📈 Prediction: Czechia 5 – Russia 4 (SO)
Week 1 Themes:
- Captains are missing. Goalie egos are intact.
- Russia plays two, but might still not know who’s on their team.
- Italy starts the season with a tamale debt and two Rays.
- Czechia starts with a shootout win and absolutely no cardio.
Let the Olympic season begin!
May the benches be long, the line changes chaotic, and the penalty calls nonexistent.
Quick Stats
Standings
| Team | W | L | OTL | Pts |
| Titos Punch | 3 | 0 | 1 | 7 |
| Sauced Mozz | 2 | 1 | 1 | 5 |
| Big Smasher | 1 | 3 | 0 | 2 |
p = President’s Trophy
* = Clinched Playoff Berth
e = Eliminated from Playoffs
League Leaders
| Player | Team | G | A | Pts |
| Van Vlymen, B | TP | 10 | 5 | 15 |
| Hernandez, J | TP | 7 | 4 | 11 |
| Iacarella, C | SM | 7 | 2 | 9 |
| Goalie | Team | W | GAA | SV% |
| Rodriguez, F | GU | 3 | 5.00 | 0.804 |
| Newton, T | GU | 1 | 5.00 | 0.815 |
| Frizzell, B | GU | 1 | 7.00 | 0.754 |
Minimum 1 games played
League News
Week 1 Recap
Game 2: Russia 3 – Italy 2
“Nobody got hurt, but we kind of wish someone had just to spice things up.”
There are bad games, there are ugly games, and then there’s whatever this was. In what could only be described as a deliberate war of attrition, Russia eked out a 3-2 win over Italy in a game so slow, it may still be happening somewhere in a time loop.
The only people who enjoyed this were the goalies — and even they looked bored.
Scoring Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Goal Scorer | Assists | Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 3:19 | Russia | Iacarella, Collin | none | 1 – 0 |
| 2 | 0:27 | Italy | Narvaiz, David | Ortega, Ray | 1 – 1 |
| 2 | 3:29 | Russia | Hernandez, Jacob | Chase, Ian | 2 – 1 |
| 2 | 10:11 | Italy | Ortega, Ray | none | 2 – 2 |
| 3 | 5:17 | Russia | Iacarella, Collin | Hernandez, Jacob | 3 – 2 |
Penalty Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Player | Infraction |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2 | 7:39 | Italy | Salvano, Ray | Tripping |
This was a game played at half speed, with both teams looking like they’d just finished a Red Eye flight and were forced to play without coffee. Russia controlled most of the game, but not in a dominant way — more like in the “you can have the puck, we’ll wait” kind of way.
Italy, without their captain Junior and with a quiet showing from most of the team, leaned heavily on Ray Ortega (by accident, not design) and David Narvaiz to keep it close. Ray Salvano also made his presence known by whining about penalties and then immediately earning one — the rare “complain-to-call” combo.
Collin’s first of the night came early in the first when he took a no-angle wrist shot that deflected off a shin guard, a stick, and possibly someone’s Subway sandwich in the stands before beating Greg Artzberger.
The game-winner was courtesy of a nice give-and-go from Jacob Hernandez to Collin, who actually hit the net — shocking everyone on both benches.
Russia’s defense was bend-don’t-break, and with Felipe back in net (after being baited into playing via a promise of free tamales), they had just enough to hold on.
Notable (Or Not) Moments
- Collin Iacarella was spotted walking into the rink saying, “Just here for my contracted double header. I’ll see y’all again in April.”
- Jake Hernandez spent the entire powerplay trying to flip the puck up for a Michigan but was overheard muttering, “I just can’t get it up today.” Someone in the stands whispered, “happens to a lot of guys.”
- BVV is on one of these team, right?
Final Thoughts
This game was so slow and uneventful, it might be used as a calming aid on future flights. Russia got the win — credit to them for staying awake long enough to do so. Italy showed signs of life but only in between sighs of boredom.
Three Stars:
★ Collin Iacarella – 2 goals and 1 reminder that he’s still better than half the league
★★ Jacob Hernandez – Goal + Assist, which is more than we can say for the rest of the team
★★★ Ray Ortega – Gets two Italian points. Maybe.
Game 2: Russia 5 – Czechia 3
This one had all the excitement of a lukewarm soup. Despite what the scoreboard suggests, this game was a chaotic mess of missed shots, accidental goals, and enough bad decisions to make a soap opera blush. Russia walked away with the 5–3 win, completing the sweep on the night, but it really should’ve been worse. For Czechia, it’s a miracle it wasn’t.
Scoring Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Goal Scorer | Assists | Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 8:20 | Russia | Iacarella, Collin | none | 1 – 0 |
| 2 | 0:49 | Czechia | Lewis, Neil | none | 1 – 1 |
| 2 | 3:50 | Russia | Iacarella, Collin | Hernandez, Jacob | 2 – 1 |
| 2 | 6:44 | Czechia | Popham, Brandon | none | 2 – 2 |
| 2 | 7:23 | Russia | Chase, Ian | none | 3 – 2 |
| 2 | 10:29 | Russia | Chase, Ian | Hernandez, Jacob | 4 – 2 |
| 3 | 3:05 | Czechia | Mallery, Mike | Popham, Brandon | 4 – 3 |
| 3 | 8:22 | Russia | Iacarella, Collin | Hernandez, Jacob | 5 – 3 |
Penalty Summary
None (unless you count Odom playing goalie as a crime)
Russia came in feeling good after their first win, and Czechia rolled in without Taylor Newton, who was off in California pretending to be an athlete at NARCh. In his place? Rick Odom. In net. For a full game.
Russia’s early strategy was simple: shoot from anywhere and let the chips (and the pucks) fall where they may. Turns out, when the opposing goalie’s default stance is “collapsed lawn chair,” you don’t need to be too selective. Two of Russia’s goals were fired in from deep corners, making even neutral fans question the laws of physics and mercy.
Post-game, Collin Iacarella freely admitted the team’s strategy was to aim high — specifically, above Odom’s permanently crouched shoulders. Great in theory, but Russia’s execution looked like they were firing pucks into orbit. One unnamed fan was reportedly concussed after a “high shot” launched over the net and cleared the glass with ease.
For Czechia, things weren’t all doom and gloom. Neil Lewis scored early in the second, proving once again that even in chaos, a Lewis will find the back of the net. Brandon Popham notched a goal and an assist, and Mallery was left all alone in the slot to fire one in despite playing like he was half-asleep and fully confused. If nothing else, it was scrappy.
Shout-out (or maybe not) to new guy Darrin who made his league debut and didn’t totally embarrass himself. He looked serviceable and said a few things post-game, so by league rules, we’re obligated to bury him here. He’ll learn.
This game could’ve (and should’ve) been a blowout, but between Russia’s poor aim and Czechia’s duct-taped defense, it somehow stayed respectable. Still, some fans left during the third period to go watch pickleball. We’re pretty sure we also found Darrin at the pickleball courts for the entire third period.
We’re not saying it was the worst game ever. We’re just saying the highlight was the functioning scoreboard.
Notable (Or Not) Moments
- Rick Odom in net for Czechia was a big talking point — mostly for Russia. Collin Iacarella’s pre-game strategy was “just shoot high,” assuming Odom would spend most of the game kneeling like he was protesting something.
- Czechia’s defensive effort was… okay. Most of Russia’s shots missed the net entirely, so technically Czechia played solid D by watching the puck sail wide.
- Darin the new guy may have been introduced to the league, but we’re still waiting for him to introduce himself to the puck.
- Collin and Jacob operated as a functioning two-man unit while the rest of Russia mostly served as spectators.
Final Thoughts
Russia may have swept the night, but this was far from convincing. Without Jaiden present, this team just felt like it was playing in business casual — nothing too flashy, nothing too intense, just enough to win. Czechia, meanwhile, was left wondering if they’d have been better off pulling someone out of the stands to add a spark to the offense.
Russia improves to 2-0, but there’s an asterisk hanging over both wins. One over a captain-less Italy, and one over a goalie-less Czechia. Let’s not order the championship t-shirts just yet.
Three Stars
- ★ Collin Iacarella (Russia) – 5 goals across the night, including a hat trick in Game 2. Still insists he’s only playing for the cardio.
- ★★ Jacob Hernandez (Russia) – 3 assists in Game 2 and finally put those “Michigan” attempts away in favor of actual production.
- ★★★ Brandon Popham (Czechia) – 1G, 1A and did everything short of standing in net to try and keep his team in it. Technically got called for a “Too Many Men” penalty when he had to skate over to Rick and deliver a hand-written note that said “We’re pulling the goalie.”
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