San Antonio Roller Hockey League

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06/14/2026

Week 4
8:00 PM | Big Smasher (H) vs Titos Punch (A)
9:00 PM | Big Smasher (H) vs Sauced Mozz (A)

We are a little behind on stats and updates this week.  They will be completed ASAP.

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Last site update: 06/13/26 01:28

Game Previews

Playoffs Preview

How sad we were… the Week 8 phantom games — the matchups that never were. A week of theoretical chirps, potential hat tricks, and imaginary highlight reels… all swept away by travel plans, egos, and whatever tournament offers free t-shirts and warm beer.

But it doesn’t matter now.

Because, like a bad hangover, the playoffs are here, and the SARHL Playoff Machine cares not for your brunch reservations, minor injuries, or player availability.

Let’s preview the madness.

🏒 Playoff Game 1 Preview:

#2 Rush Hour (5-3-1) vs #3 Traffic Cones (2-6-2)

“The Mid-Table Mayhem Match”

It’s the season’s least requested sequel — Rush Hour takes on Traffic Cones for the fourth or fifth time (we’ve lost count). Cones have shown up half-staffed most of the season, while Rush Hour always seems to start 15 minutes late and spend the rest of the game playing catch-up.

The Traffic Cones come in limping — emotionally and literally. Captain Andrew Minerd has been filling holes in his lineup with motivational quotes and Craigslist subs. BVV is on a spiritual journey. Zack is allegedly in the Witness Protection Program. And Ron Ylagan only appears when Mercury is in retrograde.

Jaiden will talk a big game, but expect him to try 6 crossovers and get 0 points on the scoresheet but a bunch of points in our hearts. Gilbert might score, but only because Artzberger can’t goalie and skate at the same time.

Meanwhile, Rush Hour just wants to not be embarrassed. Coach Penn will treat this like the Stanley Cup. Neil Lewis is always good for a goal, and Jake will try some shootout moves mid-game just to confuse people. Felipe in net will either save everything or nothing — no middle ground.

Expectations:

  • If Dixon starts, the Cones will score immediately.
  • Mallery will forget which team he’s on for one shift.
  • Penn will play 30+ minutes and plan his trip to Vegas for the trophy and awards presentation by the third period.

📈 Prediction:
Rush Hour 5 – Traffic Cones 3, with at least one Cones player yelling “Where was the call?!” while lying face-down in the corner.

🏆 Championship Game Preview 1

Rush Hour vs Drug Mules

“The Rematch With Less Humidity and More Regret”

If Rush Hour takes care of business in Game 1, they earn the privilege of facing top-seeded Drug Mules — a team that’s essentially perfected just enough effort. They’ve won games by doing the absolute minimum and coasting on Collin’s goal count in four games while only showing up for double headers and Junior’s motivational silence.

But don’t underestimate Rush Hour. If Penn, Jake, and Neil show up motivated (and hydrated), this could be competitive. But they’d need another Felipe Masterclass™ in net, and possibly a legally questionable effort from Mallery who still swears he has “one good shift left.”

The problem? The Mules are built for playoff games.
– Ray Ortega will play like it’s Game 7 of the Paralympics.
– Ashton will show up, do something incredible, then disappear into the ether.
– Collin will score 4 goals, chirp the other bench, and refuse to help backcheck because “I’m carrying this team.”

📈 Prediction:
Drug Mules 6 – Rush Hour 4, with the Mules hoisting the trophy, Collin declaring himself MVP, and Junior nodding once in silent agreement.

🏆 Championship Game Preview 2

Traffic Cones vs Drug Mules

“The Upset That No One Predicted Because It’s Probably Not Happening”

Let’s say the Cones actually win Game 1. Maybe Artzberger becomes a human wall. Maybe Minerd laces up in a blind fury. Maybe Jaiden scores a hat trick while yelling “WHO’S THE REAL CAPTAIN NOW?!”

If they somehow beat Rush Hour, their reward is the Death Star known as the Drug Mules — a team that will eat your hope and skate backwards while doing it.

Let’s be honest:
The Drug Mules beat them 9-2 last time — with half their team missing (you figure out how that game ended the way it did). Unless the Cones recruit help from a rival league or the spirit of Bobby Orr, this ends quickly.

Expect:

  • Jaiden to call for the puck. Constantly.
  • Ray Ortega to pick up a goal and two critiques for the opposing bench.
  • Junior to treat every line change like a chess move despite calling the knights his “horsies”.

📈 Prediction:
Drug Mules 8 – Traffic Cones 2, and that’s being generous.

🎤 Final Thoughts:

  • Mules are the favorites. Hands down. They’ve been elite, efficient, and frustratingly good.
  • Rush Hour is the only team with a shot to challenge them — but they need every cog clicking.
  • Traffic Cones? They’re playing with house money. If they even win a period, that’s a playoff victory.

🏒 Prediction for the Championship:

Drug Mules over Rush Hour, 6-4.

Cue the champagne (or warm Bud Light), hand Collin the MVP, and let Junior whisper “We were due” before skating off into the sunset.

SARHL Playoffs, baby.
Where legends are made, and hydration is optional.

Quick Stats

Standings

Team W L OTL Pts
Titos Punch 3 0 1 7
Sauced Mozz 2 1 1 5
Big Smasher 1 3 0 2

p = President’s Trophy
* = Clinched Playoff Berth
e = Eliminated from Playoffs

League Leaders

Player Team G A Pts
Van Vlymen, B TP 10 5 15
Hernandez, J TP 7 4 11
Iacarella, C SM 7 2 9
Goalie Team W GAA SV%
Rodriguez, F GU 3 5.00 0.804
Newton, T GU 1 5.00 0.815
Frizzell, B GU 1 7.00 0.754

Minimum 1 games played

Full Stats

League News

Season Preview – Winter 2026

Ah yes, nothing says “Olympic spirit” like civic betrayal, fake tamale bribes, and glorified beer league hockey. The SARHL has entered its international phase — and it promises to be just as confusing, under-attended, and overly competitive as every other season.

Let’s break down the teams, the personalities, and the chaos we’re guaranteed to witness.

🟢 Team Italy

Captain: Junior Yupanqui
Goalie: Felipe Rodriguez
Tagline: “We’re here for the fashion. And to skate… maybe.”

Team Italy has just enough sauce to be dangerous — and just enough Ray to be confusing.

Notables:

  • Junior is still running the most stealthy bench in the league. You’ll never hear him, but somehow he gets the matchups he wants.
  • Felipe tried to quit hockey until he was promised free tamales. We’re 100% certain this is a lie, and he knows it. Expect passive-aggressive post-game comments around Week 3.
  • David Narvaiz is still wearing a GoPro and still refusing to release the footage.
  • Ray Ortega + Ray Salvano? The only thing more confusing than two Rays on one team is the existential crisis BVV will have when he’s expected to pass to one of them.
  • Gilbert will quietly do everything, and Ashton will quietly do nothing — unless it’s Week 2, because he always scores in Week 2.
  • Dixon is on the team. That’s it. That’s the note.

Early Prediction:
This team will randomly blow out a top seed and then forget how to score for two straight weeks. Expect solid middle-tier chaos.
Record: 6-2-0

🔴 Team Russia

Captain: Jaiden Hernandez
Goalie: Greg Artzberger
Tagline: “Banned from the podium. But not from complaints.”

Team Russia is the perfect Jaiden-led team — flashy on the surface, but once you dig in, it’s just vibes and excuses.

Notables:

  • Jaiden is the most fitting captain for Russia. Suspicious absences, odd substitutions, and delusions of grandeur.
  • Artzberger might fake an injury if Jaiden blames one more loss on his “inconsistent pads.”
  • Collin Iacarella will skate like an MVP and then vanish like a ghost on the wind for two straight weeks. Call it the Collin Cycle™.
  • Kevin Shanahan will either be your best player or an unwilling ref by the end of the night.
  • Jacob Hernandez is on this team. Without his binky, Coach Penn, he’s going to become irritatingly tepid at best.
  • Ian Chase + Travis Levault form the most unpredictable duo since Coke + Mentos.
  • Ryan Lewis promises to be chirping like an elite forward, and skating like he’s got PTO left.
  • Augie is like a vintage Lada — if it starts up, it’ll go fast… but don’t bet on it.

Early Prediction:
This team will chirp a lot, claim moral victories, and lose in a game where they outshoot the other team 32–14. The chemistry might never gel, but if this squad lines up right, there’s firepower. Or a total collapse. No in-between.
Record: 2-4-2, but somehow +3 in the chirp differential.

⚪️ Team Czechia

Captain: Andrew Minerd
Goalie: Taylor Newton
Tagline: “Low expectations. Lower energy.”

Czechia comes in as the most SARHL-ready squad: defensive-minded, largely disinterested, and already prepping excuses for losses.

Notables:

  • Minerd will accidentally lead the team in points by mid-season and then deny he ever scored.
  • Taylor will do just enough in net to make you wonder if you’re dreaming or watching paint dry.
  • Dave Foss has been skating since the Austro-Hungarian Empire dissolved. Still has the best hair.
  • Micah Deary may or may not exist. If he shows up, he’ll score. If not, check the milk cartons.
  • Mallery is still convinced he’s a stay-at-home defenseman. The thing he doesn’t understand about that is his team wants him to stay home.
  • Popham thinks he’s captain when Minerd’s not looking. Spoiler: he’s not.
  • Neil Lewis is more efficient than the rest of his team, but also less visible. Most who have played with him are still asking, “Who is this guy?”
  • Rick Odom only shows up to remind everyone he was here before being here was cool.
  • Darin is someone we know noting about, so we assume he’s either in witness protection or a high-level beer league prospect from “somewhere up north.” We’ll call him Darin von Mystery and assume he’s friends with Dixon.

Early Prediction:
This team starts 0-2, looks like they’re imploding, then backdoors their way into the championship after scoring 6 total goals in the regular season. Foss and Odom bring veteran calm (read: reduced skating), while the rest try to keep the bench lively.
Record: 4-3-1, then 2-0 in the playoffs.

🏅 Final Outlook:

This season will be chaotic. Players will forget which “Ray” they’re passing to. Jaiden will blame at least one goal on the ice being “too American.” And by Week 4, we’ll all be wondering why we didn’t just switch to pickleball.

But that’s SARHL.

Projected Standings:

RANKTEAMRECORDNARRATIVE
🥇Italy6-2-0Balanced, dangerous, still owes Felipe tamales.
🥈Czechia4-3-1Solid, mysterious, just unpredictable enough.
🥉Russia2-4-2Stacked with talent, but run by Jaiden.

Let the Olympic mayhem begin.
No medals. No refs. No tamales. Just SARHL.

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