San Antonio Roller Hockey League

Game 1 – Mariguanas vs. Remember the Armadillos

The opening game of Week 2 had everything you’d expect from an SARHL classic: sketchy calls, questionable goals, missing players, and a grown man sliding a puck over the goal line slower than a sloth on a Sunday stroll. In the end, the Mariguanas squeaked past Remember the Armadillos 5-3 in what can only be described as controversial, chaotic, and somehow still entertaining.

Final Score:

Mariguanas 5, Remember the Armadillos 3

Goal Scorers for the Mariguanas:

• Jaiden Hernandez (x3) – Scored a hat trick made up entirely of freebies, including the saddest empty-netter in league history
• Ray Ortega (x1) – Scored, but celebrated like he’d dropped his phone in a puddle
• Reuben Lima (x1) – Continues his strong comeback tour, looking sharp again

Goal Scorers for Remember the Armadillos:

• Andrew Minerd (x3) – Netted a hat trick while also playing center, defense, and emotional support for the entire team

Game Notes:

Missing in Action: Penn and Micah
The Armadillos came into this one down two major weapons as Penn and Micah decided to take a night off, but not without class. They reportedly left a handwritten note in the locker room that read “We’ll return when appreciated.” With the game as close as it was, it’s not hard to imagine them making a difference, but at least we now know they’ll be appreciated moving forward.

The Minerd Skate Trick
Minerd was gifted one of his three goals thanks to a Mariguana defenseman’s generous giveaway behind his own net, passing the puck through the crease and off Minerd’s skate with pinpoint, own-goal precision. No kicking motion was detected, so the goal stood. Honestly, it was so perfectly terrible it may have been intentional.

Jaiden’s Freebie Hatty
While Minerd benefited from a comedy of errors, Jaiden’s hat trick was a full sitcom season. All three goals came off defensive lapses, missed assignments, or the league just deciding to humor him. His third goal – a rolling empty-netter that may or may not have crossed the line before the clock hit zero – was only awarded because of his puppy dog eyes and the exhausted scorekeeper who didn’t want to listen to the complaints.

Dixon’s Trip, Jr’s Blind Spot, Mallery’s Meltdown
With the game tied late in the third, Mike Mallery had control of the puck when a wild Adam Dixon appeared from the ether and blatantly tripped him—inches from the eyes of ref Junior Yupanqui. Jr, for reasons only he understands, let the play go, and moments later, the puck was in the Armadillos’ net.

Dixon offered a tearful apology, which Mallery either didn’t hear or completely ignored. Meanwhile, whispers of collusion and quiet deals made in dark corners of the rink began to echo around the boards.

Ray’s Celestial Letdown
Ray Ortega scored a goal. Then he celebrated like someone told him his tax refund got delayed. We’re still not sure if it was a protest or just a rough day at the office, but it brought the mood down about ten degrees. Sad face.

Final Thoughts:

• Jaiden gets his hat trick—but it’ll forever carry an asterisk.
• Minerd’s hat trick couldn’t overcome missing teammates and defensive chaos.
• Dixon should send Mallery a fruit basket.
• Jr’s officiating made everyone nostalgic for the time we had no refs.
• The Armadillos drop a winnable game. The Mariguanas escape with a win and a highlight reel that no one will replay.

One game into their doubleheader, the Mariguanas keep things interesting.

Game 2 – Mariguanas vs. Disoriented Dolphins

If you were looking for classic SARHL chaos, this game delivered -high scoring, low energy, weird officiating, and an ending so perfectly broken it belongs in the league’s hall of fame. The Dolphins escaped with a 7-6 win over the Mariguanas, despite taking a bench minor late and somehow scoring the game-winner while shorthanded. Yes, really.

Final Score:

Disoriented Dolphins 7, Mariguanas 6

Goal Scorers for the Mariguanas:

• Reuben Lima (x3) – Opened with a hat trick, then faded like a ghost in the desert heat (doing his best Jr impersonation)
• Ashton Baggett (x1) – Still doing the work, still living in the shadows
• Jaiden Hernandez (x1) – 🙄
• Ray Ortega (x1) – Showed signs of life in Game 2, possibly caffeinated

Goal Scorers for the Disoriented Dolphins:

• Zack Merullo (x2) – Scored by Zack, assisted by Zack, celebrated by Zack
• Collin K (x1) – The new guy’s on the board, and now we’re paying attention
• Ron Ylagan (x2) – Not Glenn this week. Fully Ron. Fully scoring.
• David Narvaiz (x1) – One for the GoPro archives; it’s already edited with music only he can hear
• Ryan Lewis (x1) – We think it happened? It’s on the sheet. Barely remembered

Game Notes:

Double the Ref, Double the Complaints
With Mike Mallery and Andrew Minerd sharing reffing duties, things were expected to be tight and well-managed. They were not. Two refs meant twice the whining, twice the finger-pointing, and exactly the same number of missed calls. Both Mallery and Minerd reportedly asked Jaiden for the same “compensation” he gave Jr for the first game’s shenanigans. Jaiden played dumb – a role he plays far too convincingly.

Reuben Pulls a Jr
Reuben opened the game with a hat trick and then slowly vanished from the scoresheet. Jr has reportedly filed a cease-and-desist, citing intellectual property infringement on his patented “score early, fade hard” approach. Apparently, the patent is registered in Laos, so this may actually be more interesting than the rest of the season.

The Goalies Were There… Technically
Greg Artzberger and Taylor Newton both put in heat-haze performances, rarely moving and often just standing still while pucks hit them square in the chest. Shots seemed magnetically drawn to center mass, like the shooters had forgotten they were allowed to aim.
“Why do the part-timers have a hard time with this?” Artzberger mumbled after a rare glove save.

The Ending: An Absolute Masterclass in Mariguanas-ing
With the game tied at 6, the Dolphins took a bench minor for too many men on the ice. An easy call for head official Minerd as one of the Dolphins played the puck while the guy he was replacing was still behind the opposition’s net.

This was the Mariguanas’ chance.
Their moment.
Their opportunity as the penalty occurred with somewhere under two minutes remaining.

Instead, they seemed deeply confused about the concept of a power play. We’re not sure they even registered a shot… or a pass. The Dolphins ran the kill like like they were on the PP, controlled the puck, set up shop, and Zack Merullo scored the game-winner on a shorthanded breakaway fully horizontal, Bobby Orr-style.

Not a good look for the Mariguanas.

A fitting end to a game that was more narrative than sport.

Also, Zack, how’s that thumb? Still attached?

Final Thoughts:

• Reuben keeps scoring, but we’re watching the slow reactivation of his post-hiatus existential dread.
• Zack continues to do it all. Including assist himself.
• Minerd and Mallery reffing together was somehow worse than expected according to the players polled after the game.
• The Mariguanas may need a seminar on power play basics.
• The Dolphins escape again, proving chaos is a viable strategy.

Week 2 is done, and the standings are already starting to shift. Get ready for Week 3—if this is how we’re playing now, things are only going to get better. And dumber.