San Antonio Roller Hockey League
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Important Info
03/22/26 – Week 5
8:00PM: Czechia (H) vs Italy (A)
9:00PM: Czechia (H) vs Russia (A)
As always, check Facebook for updates and pick-up
Last site update: 03/20/26 23:54
Game Previews
Week 7 Preview
Can the Winless Climb, and Will the Undefeated Fall?
We’re deep in the second half of the season now, and while some teams are tuning up for the playoff push, others are just trying to survive the wreckage. This week’s matchups offer a little bit of everything: a desperate attempt to get in the win column, a growing rivalry, and the continuation of the Coach Penn vs. Legendary Stoners Cold War.
At this point, calling it a “conspiracy” might be too generous—it’s just tradition.
Game 1 – Dignowity Gentrification (0-4-1) vs. Southside Sicarios (2-3-0)
The Sicarios are fresh off getting completely dismantled by the Stoners, and now they get a “get-right” game against a Dignowity team that hasn’t won a single thing except pity points. But if we’ve learned anything this season, it’s that the Sicarios are capable of both brilliance and complete collapse within the same game, so nothing is guaranteed.
Collin Iacarella is the key figure on this team, and if he’s ever going to get back on track, this is the team to do it against. At least, that’s what Sicario’s captain Jaiden Hernandez is telling him. If he doesn’t figure it out, this could be another long night of angst and regret for the Sicarios.
Dignowity, meanwhile, is just trying to avoid getting buried again. They’ve managed to collect a single point this season—a shootout loss to the Stoners—but outside of that, they’ve been the league’s favorite punching bag. There’s a non-zero chance that subbing in Zack Merullo again is their only realistic scoring option.
Key to Watch:
- Can the Sicarios actually play up to their potential, or will this turn into another “Why is this close?” game?
- Does Dignowity finally crack the win column, or do they keep spiraling into infamy?
- Can Jaiden reignite Collin’s scoring touch with a soothing backrub?
Prediction: The Sicarios should win this game, but if anyone can fumble away a must-win against a bottom-tier team, it’s them. If Dignowity’s ever going to get a win, this is the week to do it.
Game 2 – Waste Management (3-2-0) vs. Legendary Stoners (5-0-0)
This matchup comes with its own subplot. Coach Penn is reportedly missing yet another game against the Stoners, and at this point, we might as well start booking them on separate schedules. The running theory is still the Chili’s Incident™, and the league may need to conduct a formal investigation (with margaritas, of course).
Despite Penn’s absence, Waste Management is hot. Jake Hernandez is gunning for that top scorer spot like the gift card is real. Ricky Bobby has discovered a scoring touch, and Micah Deary (if he shows up) gives them a much-needed speed element.
The Stoners continue to dominate in the most boring way possible, making hockey look more like a group therapy session with sticks and pucks. Junior’s team marches on, quietly undefeated, leaving a trail of dull victories and frustrated opponents in their wake. Ryan Lewis, Zack Merullo, and Will Newell keep scoring like clockwork, and Junior’s silent leadership (murmured so softly no one actually hears it) somehow keeps this machine rolling.
Key to Watch:
- Can Waste Management finally be the team to knock off the Stoners, or will Penn’s continued no-shows cost them again?
- Will Jake keep lighting it up with the promise of Sizzler glory?
- Can anyone stay awake long enough to figure out how to beat the Stoners’ system?
Prediction: This one might finally be the Stoners’ trap game. If Waste Management can bring the pace early, they can disrupt the Stoners’ grind. But if this turns into another slow-burn battle of attrition, chalk up another win for Junior’s Men of Melatonin.
Final Thoughts:
- Dignowity is winless and out of excuses. If they’re going to win a game this season, this is it. If this continues much longer, there will be discussions of mid-season trades at the next meeting of the “Council” that is a shadow organization that does not exist. Like the Sizzler gift certificate. And Sizzler.
- The Sicarios need a bounce-back badly before their locker room turns into a full-blown mutiny.
- Waste Management is a contender—if Penn ever decides to face the Stoners.
- The Stoners remain undefeated, unbothered, and unstoppable… but also still boring as hell.
Let’s see if Week 7 brings the shakeup we’ve been waiting for—or if the script stays exactly the same.
Quick Stats
Standings
| Team | W | L | OTL | Pts |
| Czechia | 4 | 1 | 0 | 8 |
| Italy | 2 | 1 | 2 | 6 |
| Russia | 2 | 4 | 0 | 4 |
p = President’s Trophy
* = Clinched Playoff Berth
e = Eliminated from Playoffs
League Leaders
| Player | Team | G | A | Pts |
| Ortega, R | Italy | 8 | 3 | 11 |
| Popham, B | Czechia | 5 | 5 | 10 |
| Narvaiz, D | Italy | 8 | 1 | 9 |
| Goalie | Team | W | GAA | SV% |
| Newton, T | Czechia | 4 | 3.75 | 0.847 |
| Artzberger, G | Russia | 2 | 4.17 | 0.824 |
| Rodriguez, F | Italy | 1 | 4.50 | 0.824 |
Minimum 1 games played
League News
Week 6 Recap
Game 1 – Legendary Stoners vs. Southside Sicarios
Another week, another textbook Stoners performance—which is to say: methodical, forgettable, and soul-crushingly effective. The Legendary Stoners rolled over the Southside Sicarios 7-2, extending their undefeated season while simultaneously causing another mass existential crisis in the SARHL.
Final Score:
Legendary Stoners 7, Southside Sicarios 2
Goal Scorers:
🌿 Legendary Stoners:
- Ryan Lewis (x3) – A hat trick so quiet, you didn’t even know it happened
- Zack Merullo (x2) – Back on the stat sheet and likely reminding everyone about it
- Ron Ylagan (x1) – He exists
- Will Newell (x1) – Because it wouldn’t be a Stoners game without him scoring one
🟥 Southside Sicarios:
- Ray Ortega (x2) – The lone bright spot in a night otherwise filled with confusion and silence
Game Notes:
Where Was Jaiden?
While Sicarios captain Jaiden Hernandez was physically present, his one lonely assist was the only sign that he even played. Without it, we’d have assumed he missed the game entirely—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. In fact, this week, we won’t even make fun of him. Because, honestly, he didn’t do anything memorable enough to mock.
The Stoners’ Boring Dominance Continues
The Stoners remain undefeated, and as the only team even remotely close to handing them a loss was Dignowity Gentrification, that says everything about how absurd this season has become.
Once again, they smothered their opponents with their now-patented brand of bland, low-risk, high-efficiency hockey. Their style is like watching a sleep timer slowly counting down—but somehow, it works.
Junior’s team management has been masterful, despite no one ever actually understanding what he’s saying. Whatever his strategy is, it’s working. He’s the enigmatic overlord of the SARHL, mumbling play calls that somehow lead to perfect line changes and goals from guys like Ron Ylagan.
Penalty Watch 2024: The Second One Happened… Kinda
We saw our second penalty of the season, and it was as uneventful as the rest of the game.
No goals.
Probably no shots.
Unclear if the penalty actually happened or if someone just got bored and needed a change of pace.
SARHL remains a gentleman’s league, full of good vibes, minimal whistles, and maximum passive aggression.
The Stench of Dominance
Despite the 7-2 scoreline, this game still managed to be a stinker. In fact, the more goals the Stoners score, the more boring the games seem to become.
They are on pace to go box-to-wire undefeated, and no one is happy about it. Not even the Stoners.
Final Thoughts:
- Jaiden’s disappearing act may have reached its final form.
- Ray Ortega deserves hazard pay for being the only Sicario who showed up.
- Junior’s mumble-powered empire grows stronger by the week.
- The Stoners are inevitable. And incredibly dull.
Game 2 – Waste Management vs. Dignowity Gentrification
In a game that managed to surprise no one, Waste Management put on a clinic and dismantled Dignowity Gentrification 7-1. The final score might feel generous—because the game never felt even that close. It was only saved from becoming the SARHL’s first shutout in recent memory thanks to Mike Mallery opening his mouth, and a sub skater doing what Dignowity regulars haven’t done all season: score.
Final Score:
Waste Management 7, Dignowity Gentrification 1
Goal Scorers:
🟦 Dignowity Gentrification:
- Zack Merullo x1 – Sub-skater (and we mean that in every way possible) for Dignowity, and fit right in with his offense almost completely drying up
♻️ Waste Management:
- Jake Hernandez (x3) – He can just taste that Sizzler gift certificate that may or may not exist
- Ricky Bobby (x3) – I guess anything’s possible when playing with Penn
- Alex Casella (x1) – Snuck one in quietly while everyone was distracted by the ‘Penn, Jake, and Ricky Show’
Game Notes:
Zack Merullo: Sub Skater, Scapegoat, Savior
The night began like most Dignowity nights do— heavy with optimism AND dread. As the team looked around the rink hoping for reinforcements, Zack Merullo was spotted minding his own business, probably enjoying the thought of not being part of the disaster about to unfold. But he was quickly surrounded and given an ultimatum: suit up or be traded to Dignowity permanently. Wisely, he played. Even wiser? He scored their only goal of the night.
Mallery Strikes Again
Dignowity was on the verge of being shut out, but Mike Mallery couldn’t help himself. From the bench, he yelled out the two words that are universally understood to doom any shutout attempt: “Shut out!” Within moments, Merullo buried a puck behind Taylor Newton, whose biggest challenge up to that point was not spilling his coffee or wrinkling his newspaper.
Waste Management Turns to the Oldest Trick in the NHL Video Game Series
Coach Penn had his team running cross-crease glitch goals on repeat, with Jake Hernandez and Ricky Bobby stationed at the back post. Every pass from Penn ricocheted off a stick and into the net. These two just had to stand there. And they did. Masterfully.
Jake’s Bloodlust for Sizzler
Jake, upon seeing the scoresheet, was devastated to find out that his hard work scoring 3 goals was for naught as Penn was racking up the apples. His motivation for the scoring title and that imaginary gift certificate to Sizzler is turning into bloodlust as he was seen chopping wood all night long. How there wasn’t a single slashing penalty called, we’ll never know.
Dignowity’s Downward Spiral Continues
Not much else can be said about Dignowity at this point. The defense isn’t defending, the offense isn’t offending (well, it is offensive), and the morale is being held together with chewing gum and false hope. Merullo’s goal was their lone highlight in a game where most of the bench looked like they were calculating how much longer this season actually is.
Final Thoughts:
- Waste Management is dialed in and firing on all cylinders.
- Jake and Ricky racked up hat tricks without breaking a sweat.
- Coach Penn was clearly just entertaining himself at this point.
- Taylor Newton was this close to a shutout until some unknown force said “Not today!”
- Dignowity remains winless, hopeless, and stuck in an endless loop of disappointment.
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