San Antonio Roller Hockey League

Game 1 – Remember the Armadillos vs. Disoriented Dolphins

The score says “overtime thriller,” but the game said “when will this be over?” Despite the 4-3 OT result, this one was a slog from start to finish, a battle of attrition between two teams seemingly locked in a competition to see who could generate the least excitement per period. In the end, the Armadillos pulled out the win thanks to some sub magic and a rare Jake Hernandez goal that came just in time to avoid a shootout.

Final Score:

Remember the Armadillos 4, Disoriented Dolphins 3 (OT)

Goal Scorers for Remember the Armadillos:

• Brandon Popham (x1) – Seven minutes of snap shot warmups translating directly to box scores
• Reuben Lima (x2, sub) – Took Penn’s spot and did all the same heavy lifting without the questionable fashion choices
• Jake Hernandez (x1) – Finally gets on the board, but without Sizzler motivation, the magic is fading

Goal Scorers for Disoriented Dolphins:

• Ryan Lewis (x1) – Pretty sure he’s new, and no one wants to admit they didn’t notice earlier
• Zack Merullo (x1) – Hasn’t asked about assists in weeks, which might be personal growth – or we had a week off…
• Junior Yupanqui (x1) – Didn’t do much for most of the game, then randomly decided to score. So… typical

Game Notes:

Minerd: Now Playing All Positions, Next Week – None
Armadillos captain Andrew Minerd is becoming a true SARHL utility man – goalie in Week 1, defense in Week 2, forward in Week 3, and fully absent in Week 4 (spoiler alert). On offense, he was barely noticeable, and the defense definitely felt his absence, especially Mallery, who got emotionally steamrolled.

Welcome to the Chaos, Collin K
Dolphins newcomer Collin Krasowski made his presence felt again, causing just enough chaos to make people nervous. Described as a “buzzsaw,” no one’s really sure what that means, but everyone agrees it sounds intense. Collin, consider this your official warning: you’ve now been mentioned. The real suffering in the recaps starts next game.

Mallery’s Feelings: Crushed by Kevin
Mike Mallery was absolutely emotionally obliterated by Kevin Shanahan, in what can only be described as a minor incident that Mallery will never forget. The tears were real. The sympathy? Not so much. Penalty on the play? Not a chance.

Reuben Steps In, Steps Up
With Penn MIA, the Dillos tapped Reuben Lima to sub in, and he responded with two big goals in the third to keep the team alive. It was a classic case of “we’re not worthy” sub energy, and it saved the Dillos from what would’ve been a depressingly dull loss.

Jake’s Late-Game Heroics
In the final seconds of OT, Jake Hernandez found the puck, found the net, and finally found the scoresheet – his first of the season. With no Sizzler coupon on the line, his goal felt more symbolic than strategic, but it was enough to end the game before a shootout. We’re calling that a win for everyone.

Final Thoughts:

• The Armadillos continue to scrap their way through the season, even if it’s ugly.
• The Dolphins are still figuring things out but continue to hang around in games.
• Jake finally scored, but his heart clearly isn’t in it without a mid-tier buffet prize.
• Mallery might need emotional counseling.
• Reuben is becoming the league’s top mercenary – valuable, versatile, and quietly saving teams one game at a time.

It wasn’t pretty, but it counts. Game 2’s up next—and let’s just say the wheels come off even faster.

Game 2 – Remember the Armadillos vs Mariguanas

Game 2 of the Armadillos’ doubleheader had all the ingredients for disaster – fatigue, frustration, and an opponent that decided to actually try. The Mariguanas dominated possession, controlled the pace, and still somehow only won 6-4, which feels like a stat crime. The game was capped off with a goal and celebration combo that will live in SARHL infamy, as Brian Van Vlymen scored the “cup-winner” and made sure no one forgot it.

Final Score:

Mariguanas 6, Remember the Armadillos 4

Goal Scorers for Remember the Armadillos:

• Brandon Popham (x2) – Two games, two goals. Big guy was gassed by the end, but the net was still finding him
• Andrew Minerd (x1) – Back on defense, back in his comfort zone, back on the board
• David Foss (x1) – The senior statesman finds the net and reminds everyone he still exists

Goal Scorers for Mariguanas:

• Collin Iacarella (x3) – Another hat trick, another “bro, play defense” moment. He refuses.
• Brian Van Vlymen (x2) – Silently climbing the leaderboard while celebrating like he just won the Cup
• Reuben Lima (x1) – Two goals for the Dillos in Game 1, one for the Mariguanas in Game 2. Dillos got the better Reuben.

Game Notes:

Early Dominance, Familiar Collapse
In what is quickly becoming tradition, the Armadillos fell behind early – this time 2-0 thanks to goals from Collin and BVV. And just like tradition, no one was surprised. We tried to get a quote from BVV about his goal, but he ghosted us with Olympic-level apathy. He may have smiled. Hard to tell. Might’ve just been gas.

The Phantom Goals of the Second Period
The Armadillos woke up long enough in the second to tie the game 3-3 with goals from Popham, Minerd, and Foss, but we don’t actually remember any of them. They exist only on the scoresheet, like ghost entries in a spreadsheet nobody wants to audit. Still, a tie’s a tie.

Collin’s Missile and Mallery’s Survival
Midway through the second, Jaiden and Collin allegedly devised a plan to remove a defensive obstacle – Armadillos serviceable defenseman, Mike Mallery. Whether intentional or not, Collin fired a puck at near-lightspeed, catching Mallery square in the foot. It was the kind of shot that makes you reconsider your life choices. If it had been an inch lower, Mallery’s 1984-era skates might’ve exploded into shrapnel.

Mallery was later seen limping, muttering, and questioning why he ever left the scorekeeper’s table. We wish him a speedy and skate-sponsored recovery.

The Third Period: A Slow Burn to Bromance
The Armadillos simply ran out of gas. Down bodies and out of steam, they had no answer for Collin’s continued assault, who added two more to his growing goal empire. Then, in the dying seconds, BVV buried the dagger, giving the Mariguanas the win and triggering a celebration with Jaiden that resembled a slow-motion soap opera hug. There were fists in the air, a near tearful embrace, and the uncomfortable realization that everyone else had stopped skating and was just watching.

Final Thoughts:

• The Mariguanas finally turned their control into a win, even if the score was closer than it should’ve been.
• Collin continues to carry the team on offense while actively refusing to play defense out of principle.
• BVV is emerging as Jaiden’s new emotional support scorer, and we’re not sure how we feel about that.
• The Armadillos had heart but not enough legs.
• Mallery took one for the team, and now we all owe him one. And he never forgets.

The Armadillos finish their doubleheader with a split, while the Mariguanas finally get the win they’ve been circling around for weeks. The standings are tightening, tensions are rising, and the hugs are getting weirder. On to Week 4.