San Antonio Roller Hockey League

Game 1 Recap – Waste Management vs. Legendary Stoners

What started as a simple hockey game quickly devolved into chaos before the puck even dropped. Waste Management and the Legendary Stoners showed up wearing the wrong colors, sat on the wrong benches, and by the time everyone figured out what was happening, the game was already a lost cause. Despite the confusion, the Stoners stayed perfect on the season, rolling to a 6-3 win in what can only be described as Snoozefest II.

Final Score:

Legendary Stoners 6, Waste Management 3

Goal Scorers:

🌿 Legendary Stoners:

• Junior Yupanqui (x2) – Finally snapping his trans-playmaker streak and remembering how to score
• Will Newell (x3) – Because someone has to do the work around here
• The Masked Sub Skater Who Looked a Lot Like Augie (x1) – No one asked questions, we just let it happen
• Zack Merullo (???) – Did he score? Did he not? The ref never motioned or called it, so we’re going to have to leave this one blank

♻️ Waste Management:

• Micah Deary (x2) – Makes his debut and already outproduced half the team
• Travis “Neckbeard Guard” Laveault (x1) – Made his presence felt in a game where few others did

Game Notes:

Coach Penn’s Fear of the Stoners – What Is He Hiding?
For the second time this season, Captain Penn has mysteriously disappeared when his team faces the Legendary Stoners. Is he ducking them? Is there a history we don’t know about? Sources suggest that this all traces back to an “under the table” incident at Chili’s on draft night, where Junior allegedly tied Penn’s shoes together under the table, causing an embarrassing scene. His supposed final words before running off into the night?

“There’s more where that came from.”

Whether this is all a coincidence or a deeply-rooted rivalry, one thing is for sure: Penn needs to show up for these games before the conspiracy theories take over completely.

Minerd’s Goalie Cameo
With their usual goaltender absent, the Stoners turned to Andrew Minerd, who played in net and stopped 14 of 17 shots. While Minerd himself suggested the numbers were too high, we’re blaming the scorekeepers, who were likely as confused as the players when trying to track who was supposed to be where.

Zack Merullo’s Eternal Struggle for Recognition
In classic Zack fashion, he had multiple assists (which we all expected except these ones were real!), but his one goal of the night was never officially called. Was it in? Maybe. Did the refs confirm it? No. Does Zack still believe he had a goal? Absolutely. Regardless, it happened during the dying seconds of the game, so it made no impact whatsoever with exception to Zack’s “¡Merullo’s Maniacos!” fan club.

Micah Deary Arrives for Waste Management
Making his Waste Management debut, Micah scored twice and immediately made the offense look much better. Now imagine if both he and Penn actually played regularly—this team might not be a complete mess after all. But we’ll have to wait and see if that ever happens.

Final Thoughts:

• The Stoners stay undefeated with another boring slogfest. Yay.
• Coach Penn’s no-show streak against the Stoners continues—what is he hiding?
• Felipe Rodriguez is the only goalie that cares about his teams
• Micah looks like a difference-maker for Waste Management, assuming he sticks around.

Week 4’s first game was a mess before it even started, but the Stoners continue to literally grind their way through the schedule.

Game 2 Recap – Southside Sicarios vs. Dignowity Gentrification

The second game of the night proved to be far more entertaining than the first—not because of a high level of play, but because it featured Rick Odom back in net for Dignowity, which was basically the SARHL equivalent of the Hindenburg disaster.

Despite what should have been an easy victory, the Southside Sicarios found a way to almost hand-deliver Dignowity’s first win of the season before escaping with a 7-5 win.

Final Score:

Southside Sicarios 7, Dignowity Gentrification 5

Goal Scorers:

🟥 Southside Sicarios:

• Adam Dixon (x1) – Started the scoring, which was an omen of the chaos to come
• Chris De Hoyos (x1) – Chipped in to keep the scoreboard moving
• Jaiden Hernandez (x1) – Didn’t even have to beg for this one
• Erik Hillskemper (x2) – Actually listened to the team’s mid-game realization
• Ray Ortega (x2) – Found the back of the net once they started shooting

🟦 Dignowity Gentrification:

• Mike Mallery (x1) – Scored, which typically means the other team should just give up
• Augie (x1) – Helped keep the comeback alive
• Brandon Popham (x1) – Got in on the fun
• Andrew Minerd (x2) – One of which he promptly forgot about

Game Notes:

Jaiden Wins the Goaltending Battle Before the Game Even Starts

Before any official goalie assignments were made, Jaiden Hernandez quietly shuffled Felipe Rodriguez over to the Sicarios’ net while pretending to know nothing about the situation. When questioned about it, he quickly pointed out that he was missing his top scorer again (Collin Iacarella), while Dignowity’s top scorer (arguably – and that might say more about the rest of the team…) still hasn’t shown up this season.

After an Oscar-worthy performance of puppy-dog eyes, aligator tears, and sad sighs, Jaiden won out and got to keep Felipe, leaving Dignowity to fend for themselves with Rick Odom between the pipes. We fully appreciate Rick suiting up.

When Dixon Scores Ever, You Know You’re in Trouble

Things started to spiral immediately when Adam Dixon of all people opened the scoring for the Sicarios. The defense decided that Dixon should be left wide open in the middle of the rink, which, in Rick’s defense, isn’t his fault. That was strike one.

The Mallery Goal Curse Almost Strikes Again

The Sicarios built a 3-0 lead and looked like they were ready to cruise to victory, but then… Dignowity “defenseman” Mike Mallery scored. At this point, everyone in the league knows that when Mallery scores, you should just quit. It’s barely a step above letting Dixon score, which, in hindsight, these goals may have cancelled each other out.

Dignowity immediately went on a tear, scoring three more unanswered goals to take a shocking 4-3 lead. The Sicarios, seemingly in disbelief, forgot how to play hockey for a good stretch of time.

Halftime Strategy Adjustment: “Maybe We Should Shoot?”

Somewhere between getting outplayed by a winless team and Jaiden starting to panic, the Sicarios reassessed their game plan and had a revolutionary realization: Shooting the puck leads to goals. As Captain Obvious flew off into the night, Erik Hillskemper and Ray Ortega both tested the theory and confirmed that yes, if you shoot the puck, good things can happen.

Minerd’s Forgettable Power Play Goal

With Dignowity down two goals late in the game, they caught a break and got a power play opportunity. Captain Andrew Minerd buried one to give his team a sliver of hope, but that hope was immediately lost to the void, because Minerd forgot he even scored.

Honestly, it’s probably for the best—the same way he’d probably like to forget this season entirely.

---

Final Thoughts:

• The Sicarios got the win, but it was way harder than it should have been.
• Jaiden’s pre-game goalie thievery was the real MVP move of the night.
• Dignowity is still winless, but at least they almost made this one interesting.
• Minerd forgetting his own goal is the perfect metaphor for his season so far.