San Antonio Roller Hockey League
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06/14/2026
Week 4
8:00 PM | Big Smasher (H) vs Titos Punch (A)
9:00 PM | Big Smasher (H) vs Sauced Mozz (A)
We are a little behind on stats and updates this week. They will be completed ASAP.
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Last site update: 06/13/26 01:28
Game Previews
Week 6 Preview
Crunch Time is Here
With the season moving into its later stages, teams are either tightening up for a playoff push or spiraling into a cycle of chaos and regret. This week, the undefeated Legendary Stoners will look to extend their dominance against the unpredictable Sicarios, while Dignowity Gentrification is still desperately searching for their first win, this time against the surging Waste Management.
At this point, every game matters, and for some teams, this is a last chance to prove they belong in the conversation.
Game 1 – Southside Sicarios (2-2-0) vs. Legendary Stoners (4-0-0)
The Legendary Stoners continue to be the least entertaining, most effective team in the SARHL, finding ways to win while ensuring no one enjoys watching it happen. Their latest masterpiece? A 2-2 regulation snooze-fest that ended in a shootout win over Dignowity.
Meanwhile, the Southside Sicarios are still struggling to figure out who they actually are. They won the draft by snagging both Iacarella and Van Vlymen, only to realize that managing both of them is a full-time job that Jaiden Hernandez wasn’t prepared for. Last week, Brian Van Vlymen made his long-awaited debut… and was completely underwhelming, while Collin returned to form with two goals which just wasn’t enough. Now, Jaiden has to juggle both personalities while still keeping himself in the mix.
If the Sicarios don’t come into this game focused, the Stoners will grind them down and send them home frustrated, just like every other team they’ve faced.
Key to Watch:
- Can the Sicarios finally put together a full game, or will the Stoners drag them into another low-event, soul-draining battle?
- Will Collin and Van Vlymen amicably share ice time?
- How long will it take before Jaiden starts blaming someone else for his roster decisions?
Prediction: If the Sicarios get into a track meet, they have the firepower to win. If this turns into a grinding, slow-paced game, the Stoners are going to come out on top.
Game 2 – Dignowity Gentrification (0-3-1) vs. Waste Management (2-2-0)
Dignowity Gentrification is still searching for their first win of the season, but last week, they at least managed to grab a point in a shootout loss to the Stoners. Their defensive play was actually decent, and they managed to keep the game close, despite the fact that their offense remains a work of fiction.
Now, they have to take on a Waste Management team that is heating up at the right time. Jacob Hernandez is now fully locked in on winning the league scoring title (and that rumored Sizzler gift card), while Captain Penn continues to quietly rack up points despite missing time earlier in the season. Micah Deary’s potential addition can also give Waste Management an extra scoring punch, making them a dangerous team moving forward.
For Dignowity, this is probably their best last shot at a win. If they can contain Waste Management’s top scorers and get literally anyone to step up offensively, they might be able to break through. But if their scoring issues continue, it’s going to be another long night.
Key to Watch:
- Will Dignowity finally get their first win, or will their goalless void continue?
- Can Waste Management keep their momentum going, or will this be the game they finally stumble?
- Will Jake Hernandez’s obsession with the Sizzler gift card continue fueling his scoring rampage?
Prediction: Dignowity is running out of chances. If they don’t win this one, it might not happen this season. Waste Management, on the other hand, is trending in the right direction and has the firepower to pull away if Dignowity struggles to score.
Final Thoughts:
- The Stoners remain undefeated, but the Sicarios are one of the few teams with enough offense to break them.
- Dignowity needs a win NOW, or they might as well start planning for next season.
- Waste Management could be a real problem if their full roster keeps showing up.
- Jaiden might finally snap if his two-star forwards can’t figure out how to share the ice.
It’s crunch time. Let’s see who steps up and who falls apart.
Quick Stats
Standings
| Team | W | L | OTL | Pts |
| Titos Punch | 3 | 0 | 1 | 7 |
| Sauced Mozz | 2 | 1 | 1 | 5 |
| Big Smasher | 1 | 3 | 0 | 2 |
p = President’s Trophy
* = Clinched Playoff Berth
e = Eliminated from Playoffs
League Leaders
| Player | Team | G | A | Pts |
| Van Vlymen, B | TP | 10 | 5 | 15 |
| Hernandez, J | TP | 7 | 4 | 11 |
| Iacarella, C | SM | 7 | 2 | 9 |
| Goalie | Team | W | GAA | SV% |
| Rodriguez, F | GU | 3 | 5.00 | 0.804 |
| Newton, T | GU | 1 | 5.00 | 0.815 |
| Frizzell, B | GU | 1 | 7.00 | 0.754 |
Minimum 1 games played
League News
Week 6 Recap
Game 1 – Legendary Stoners vs. Southside Sicarios
Another week, another textbook Stoners performance—which is to say: methodical, forgettable, and soul-crushingly effective. The Legendary Stoners rolled over the Southside Sicarios 7-2, extending their undefeated season while simultaneously causing another mass existential crisis in the SARHL.
Final Score:
Legendary Stoners 7, Southside Sicarios 2
Goal Scorers:
🌿 Legendary Stoners:
- Ryan Lewis (x3) – A hat trick so quiet, you didn’t even know it happened
- Zack Merullo (x2) – Back on the stat sheet and likely reminding everyone about it
- Ron Ylagan (x1) – He exists
- Will Newell (x1) – Because it wouldn’t be a Stoners game without him scoring one
🟥 Southside Sicarios:
- Ray Ortega (x2) – The lone bright spot in a night otherwise filled with confusion and silence
Game Notes:
Where Was Jaiden?
While Sicarios captain Jaiden Hernandez was physically present, his one lonely assist was the only sign that he even played. Without it, we’d have assumed he missed the game entirely—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. In fact, this week, we won’t even make fun of him. Because, honestly, he didn’t do anything memorable enough to mock.
The Stoners’ Boring Dominance Continues
The Stoners remain undefeated, and as the only team even remotely close to handing them a loss was Dignowity Gentrification, that says everything about how absurd this season has become.
Once again, they smothered their opponents with their now-patented brand of bland, low-risk, high-efficiency hockey. Their style is like watching a sleep timer slowly counting down—but somehow, it works.
Junior’s team management has been masterful, despite no one ever actually understanding what he’s saying. Whatever his strategy is, it’s working. He’s the enigmatic overlord of the SARHL, mumbling play calls that somehow lead to perfect line changes and goals from guys like Ron Ylagan.
Penalty Watch 2024: The Second One Happened… Kinda
We saw our second penalty of the season, and it was as uneventful as the rest of the game.
No goals.
Probably no shots.
Unclear if the penalty actually happened or if someone just got bored and needed a change of pace.
SARHL remains a gentleman’s league, full of good vibes, minimal whistles, and maximum passive aggression.
The Stench of Dominance
Despite the 7-2 scoreline, this game still managed to be a stinker. In fact, the more goals the Stoners score, the more boring the games seem to become.
They are on pace to go box-to-wire undefeated, and no one is happy about it. Not even the Stoners.
Final Thoughts:
- Jaiden’s disappearing act may have reached its final form.
- Ray Ortega deserves hazard pay for being the only Sicario who showed up.
- Junior’s mumble-powered empire grows stronger by the week.
- The Stoners are inevitable. And incredibly dull.
Game 2 – Waste Management vs. Dignowity Gentrification
In a game that managed to surprise no one, Waste Management put on a clinic and dismantled Dignowity Gentrification 7-1. The final score might feel generous—because the game never felt even that close. It was only saved from becoming the SARHL’s first shutout in recent memory thanks to Mike Mallery opening his mouth, and a sub skater doing what Dignowity regulars haven’t done all season: score.
Final Score:
Waste Management 7, Dignowity Gentrification 1
Goal Scorers:
🟦 Dignowity Gentrification:
- Zack Merullo x1 – Sub-skater (and we mean that in every way possible) for Dignowity, and fit right in with his offense almost completely drying up
♻️ Waste Management:
- Jake Hernandez (x3) – He can just taste that Sizzler gift certificate that may or may not exist
- Ricky Bobby (x3) – I guess anything’s possible when playing with Penn
- Alex Casella (x1) – Snuck one in quietly while everyone was distracted by the ‘Penn, Jake, and Ricky Show’
Game Notes:
Zack Merullo: Sub Skater, Scapegoat, Savior
The night began like most Dignowity nights do— heavy with optimism AND dread. As the team looked around the rink hoping for reinforcements, Zack Merullo was spotted minding his own business, probably enjoying the thought of not being part of the disaster about to unfold. But he was quickly surrounded and given an ultimatum: suit up or be traded to Dignowity permanently. Wisely, he played. Even wiser? He scored their only goal of the night.
Mallery Strikes Again
Dignowity was on the verge of being shut out, but Mike Mallery couldn’t help himself. From the bench, he yelled out the two words that are universally understood to doom any shutout attempt: “Shut out!” Within moments, Merullo buried a puck behind Taylor Newton, whose biggest challenge up to that point was not spilling his coffee or wrinkling his newspaper.
Waste Management Turns to the Oldest Trick in the NHL Video Game Series
Coach Penn had his team running cross-crease glitch goals on repeat, with Jake Hernandez and Ricky Bobby stationed at the back post. Every pass from Penn ricocheted off a stick and into the net. These two just had to stand there. And they did. Masterfully.
Jake’s Bloodlust for Sizzler
Jake, upon seeing the scoresheet, was devastated to find out that his hard work scoring 3 goals was for naught as Penn was racking up the apples. His motivation for the scoring title and that imaginary gift certificate to Sizzler is turning into bloodlust as he was seen chopping wood all night long. How there wasn’t a single slashing penalty called, we’ll never know.
Dignowity’s Downward Spiral Continues
Not much else can be said about Dignowity at this point. The defense isn’t defending, the offense isn’t offending (well, it is offensive), and the morale is being held together with chewing gum and false hope. Merullo’s goal was their lone highlight in a game where most of the bench looked like they were calculating how much longer this season actually is.
Final Thoughts:
- Waste Management is dialed in and firing on all cylinders.
- Jake and Ricky racked up hat tricks without breaking a sweat.
- Coach Penn was clearly just entertaining himself at this point.
- Taylor Newton was this close to a shutout until some unknown force said “Not today!”
- Dignowity remains winless, hopeless, and stuck in an endless loop of disappointment.
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