San Antonio Roller Hockey League
Updates
Important Info
03/22/26 – Week 5
8:00PM: Czechia (H) vs Italy (A)
9:00PM: Czechia (H) vs Russia (A)
As always, check Facebook for updates and pick-up
Last site update: 03/20/26 23:54
Game Previews
Week 1 Preview
🥇 WEEK 1 PREVIEW – SARHL Olympic Edition
Now featuring national pride, inflated egos, and missing captains!
Game 1: Russia 🇷🇺 vs Italy 🇮🇹
Known Absences:
- 🇷🇺 Jaiden – Emotionally unavailable after the Patriots game. Could be drunk, could be sulking, could be both.
- 🇮🇹 Junior – Off at NARCh, where he’s probably running perfect line changes and not saying a word. We don’t expect him to bring that work ethic back with him.
Storyline:
Russia opens the season hosting Italy in a matchup that promises plenty of offense, confusion, and probably a lot of Ray-on-Ray action that no one asked for.
With Jaiden out, Russia may actually function better for a period or two before realizing they’re still being captained via group text. Expect Ryan Lewis to take over the bench by yelling passive-aggressive things like “Guess I’ll just stay out until someone calls me off then.”
On Italy’s side, no Junior means Felipe is backstopping a rotating cast of chaos. BVV will refuse to pass unless a Ray is open. Ashton will score on his first shot, then disappear into the vapor. Gilbert will do all the work and get none of the credit.
Key Matchup:
Collin Iacarella vs David Narvaiz’s GoPro footage. One of them is scoring tonight. The other is uploading to YouTube with dramatic music.
Wild Prediction:
Italy goes up 4-0 in the first 10 minutes and nearly blows it. Russia claws back late, but Felipe makes one big save and demands his tamales on the bench.
📈 Prediction: Italy 6 – Russia 5
Game 2: Russia 🇷🇺 vs Czechia 🇨🇿
Known Absences:
- 🇨🇿 Taylor Newton – Also at NARCh, rumored to be scouting replacement goalies for when he inevitably “forgets his skates” mid-season.
Storyline:
Russia pulls the double-header in Week 1 — meaning Greg Artzberger will likely need a milk crate to sit on between games. But facing Czechia without their usual wall of a goalie (he stops enough pucks to be considered a wall but also moves as often as one), this game may open up for a full-on track meet.
That said, Czechia doesn’t really “track” or “meet.” Their cardio plan involves slow shifts, slower changes, and relying heavily on Minerd to “accidentally” score twice and not remember either time.
Expect Popham to yell “wheel!” at least six times. Mallery will trip over a stick and call it interference. Micah might show up and immediately call for the puck. Neil Lewis will quietly collect a couple points and then vanish like a Czech spy in 1967.
Key Matchup:
Can Russia’s second wind (if they have one) overpower Czechia’s first and only gear?
Wild Prediction:
Darin von Mystery scores the game-winner and no one learns his last name.
📈 Prediction: Czechia 5 – Russia 4 (SO)
Week 1 Themes:
- Captains are missing. Goalie egos are intact.
- Russia plays two, but might still not know who’s on their team.
- Italy starts the season with a tamale debt and two Rays.
- Czechia starts with a shootout win and absolutely no cardio.
Let the Olympic season begin!
May the benches be long, the line changes chaotic, and the penalty calls nonexistent.
Quick Stats
Standings
| Team | W | L | OTL | Pts |
| Czechia | 4 | 1 | 0 | 8 |
| Italy | 2 | 1 | 2 | 6 |
| Russia | 2 | 4 | 0 | 4 |
p = President’s Trophy
* = Clinched Playoff Berth
e = Eliminated from Playoffs
League Leaders
| Player | Team | G | A | Pts |
| Ortega, R | Italy | 8 | 3 | 11 |
| Popham, B | Czechia | 5 | 5 | 10 |
| Narvaiz, D | Italy | 8 | 1 | 9 |
| Goalie | Team | W | GAA | SV% |
| Newton, T | Czechia | 4 | 3.75 | 0.847 |
| Artzberger, G | Russia | 2 | 4.17 | 0.824 |
| Rodriguez, F | Italy | 1 | 4.50 | 0.824 |
Minimum 1 games played
League News
Season Preview – Winter 2026
Ah yes, nothing says “Olympic spirit” like civic betrayal, fake tamale bribes, and glorified beer league hockey. The SARHL has entered its international phase — and it promises to be just as confusing, under-attended, and overly competitive as every other season.
Let’s break down the teams, the personalities, and the chaos we’re guaranteed to witness.
🟢 Team Italy
Captain: Junior Yupanqui
Goalie: Felipe Rodriguez
Tagline: “We’re here for the fashion. And to skate… maybe.”
Team Italy has just enough sauce to be dangerous — and just enough Ray to be confusing.
Notables:
- Junior is still running the most stealthy bench in the league. You’ll never hear him, but somehow he gets the matchups he wants.
- Felipe tried to quit hockey until he was promised free tamales. We’re 100% certain this is a lie, and he knows it. Expect passive-aggressive post-game comments around Week 3.
- David Narvaiz is still wearing a GoPro and still refusing to release the footage.
- Ray Ortega + Ray Salvano? The only thing more confusing than two Rays on one team is the existential crisis BVV will have when he’s expected to pass to one of them.
- Gilbert will quietly do everything, and Ashton will quietly do nothing — unless it’s Week 2, because he always scores in Week 2.
- Dixon is on the team. That’s it. That’s the note.
Early Prediction:
This team will randomly blow out a top seed and then forget how to score for two straight weeks. Expect solid middle-tier chaos.
Record: 6-2-0
🔴 Team Russia
Captain: Jaiden Hernandez
Goalie: Greg Artzberger
Tagline: “Banned from the podium. But not from complaints.”
Team Russia is the perfect Jaiden-led team — flashy on the surface, but once you dig in, it’s just vibes and excuses.
Notables:
- Jaiden is the most fitting captain for Russia. Suspicious absences, odd substitutions, and delusions of grandeur.
- Artzberger might fake an injury if Jaiden blames one more loss on his “inconsistent pads.”
- Collin Iacarella will skate like an MVP and then vanish like a ghost on the wind for two straight weeks. Call it the Collin Cycle™.
- Kevin Shanahan will either be your best player or an unwilling ref by the end of the night.
- Jacob Hernandez is on this team. Without his binky, Coach Penn, he’s going to become irritatingly tepid at best.
- Ian Chase + Travis Levault form the most unpredictable duo since Coke + Mentos.
- Ryan Lewis promises to be chirping like an elite forward, and skating like he’s got PTO left.
- Augie is like a vintage Lada — if it starts up, it’ll go fast… but don’t bet on it.
Early Prediction:
This team will chirp a lot, claim moral victories, and lose in a game where they outshoot the other team 32–14. The chemistry might never gel, but if this squad lines up right, there’s firepower. Or a total collapse. No in-between.
Record: 2-4-2, but somehow +3 in the chirp differential.
⚪️ Team Czechia
Captain: Andrew Minerd
Goalie: Taylor Newton
Tagline: “Low expectations. Lower energy.”
Czechia comes in as the most SARHL-ready squad: defensive-minded, largely disinterested, and already prepping excuses for losses.
Notables:
- Minerd will accidentally lead the team in points by mid-season and then deny he ever scored.
- Taylor will do just enough in net to make you wonder if you’re dreaming or watching paint dry.
- Dave Foss has been skating since the Austro-Hungarian Empire dissolved. Still has the best hair.
- Micah Deary may or may not exist. If he shows up, he’ll score. If not, check the milk cartons.
- Mallery is still convinced he’s a stay-at-home defenseman. The thing he doesn’t understand about that is his team wants him to stay home.
- Popham thinks he’s captain when Minerd’s not looking. Spoiler: he’s not.
- Neil Lewis is more efficient than the rest of his team, but also less visible. Most who have played with him are still asking, “Who is this guy?”
- Rick Odom only shows up to remind everyone he was here before being here was cool.
- Darin is someone we know noting about, so we assume he’s either in witness protection or a high-level beer league prospect from “somewhere up north.” We’ll call him Darin von Mystery and assume he’s friends with Dixon.
Early Prediction:
This team starts 0-2, looks like they’re imploding, then backdoors their way into the championship after scoring 6 total goals in the regular season. Foss and Odom bring veteran calm (read: reduced skating), while the rest try to keep the bench lively.
Record: 4-3-1, then 2-0 in the playoffs.
🏅 Final Outlook:
This season will be chaotic. Players will forget which “Ray” they’re passing to. Jaiden will blame at least one goal on the ice being “too American.” And by Week 4, we’ll all be wondering why we didn’t just switch to pickleball.
But that’s SARHL.
Projected Standings:
| RANK | TEAM | RECORD | NARRATIVE |
| 🥇 | Italy | 6-2-0 | Balanced, dangerous, still owes Felipe tamales. |
| 🥈 | Czechia | 4-3-1 | Solid, mysterious, just unpredictable enough. |
| 🥉 | Russia | 2-4-2 | Stacked with talent, but run by Jaiden. |
Let the Olympic mayhem begin.
No medals. No refs. No tamales. Just SARHL.
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