San Antonio Roller Hockey League
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Important Info
03/22/26 – Week 5
8:00PM: Czechia (H) vs Italy (A)
9:00PM: Czechia (H) vs Russia (A)
As always, check Facebook for updates and pick-up
Last site update: 03/20/26 23:54
Game Previews
Playoffs Preview
How sad we were… the Week 8 phantom games — the matchups that never were. A week of theoretical chirps, potential hat tricks, and imaginary highlight reels… all swept away by travel plans, egos, and whatever tournament offers free t-shirts and warm beer.
But it doesn’t matter now.
Because, like a bad hangover, the playoffs are here, and the SARHL Playoff Machine cares not for your brunch reservations, minor injuries, or player availability.
Let’s preview the madness.
🏒 Playoff Game 1 Preview:
#2 Rush Hour (5-3-1) vs #3 Traffic Cones (2-6-2)
“The Mid-Table Mayhem Match”
It’s the season’s least requested sequel — Rush Hour takes on Traffic Cones for the fourth or fifth time (we’ve lost count). Cones have shown up half-staffed most of the season, while Rush Hour always seems to start 15 minutes late and spend the rest of the game playing catch-up.
The Traffic Cones come in limping — emotionally and literally. Captain Andrew Minerd has been filling holes in his lineup with motivational quotes and Craigslist subs. BVV is on a spiritual journey. Zack is allegedly in the Witness Protection Program. And Ron Ylagan only appears when Mercury is in retrograde.
Jaiden will talk a big game, but expect him to try 6 crossovers and get 0 points on the scoresheet but a bunch of points in our hearts. Gilbert might score, but only because Artzberger can’t goalie and skate at the same time.
Meanwhile, Rush Hour just wants to not be embarrassed. Coach Penn will treat this like the Stanley Cup. Neil Lewis is always good for a goal, and Jake will try some shootout moves mid-game just to confuse people. Felipe in net will either save everything or nothing — no middle ground.
Expectations:
- If Dixon starts, the Cones will score immediately.
- Mallery will forget which team he’s on for one shift.
- Penn will play 30+ minutes and plan his trip to Vegas for the trophy and awards presentation by the third period.
📈 Prediction:
Rush Hour 5 – Traffic Cones 3, with at least one Cones player yelling “Where was the call?!” while lying face-down in the corner.
🏆 Championship Game Preview 1
Rush Hour vs Drug Mules
“The Rematch With Less Humidity and More Regret”
If Rush Hour takes care of business in Game 1, they earn the privilege of facing top-seeded Drug Mules — a team that’s essentially perfected just enough effort. They’ve won games by doing the absolute minimum and coasting on Collin’s goal count in four games while only showing up for double headers and Junior’s motivational silence.
But don’t underestimate Rush Hour. If Penn, Jake, and Neil show up motivated (and hydrated), this could be competitive. But they’d need another Felipe Masterclass™ in net, and possibly a legally questionable effort from Mallery who still swears he has “one good shift left.”
The problem? The Mules are built for playoff games.
– Ray Ortega will play like it’s Game 7 of the Paralympics.
– Ashton will show up, do something incredible, then disappear into the ether.
– Collin will score 4 goals, chirp the other bench, and refuse to help backcheck because “I’m carrying this team.”
📈 Prediction:
Drug Mules 6 – Rush Hour 4, with the Mules hoisting the trophy, Collin declaring himself MVP, and Junior nodding once in silent agreement.
🏆 Championship Game Preview 2
Traffic Cones vs Drug Mules
“The Upset That No One Predicted Because It’s Probably Not Happening”
Let’s say the Cones actually win Game 1. Maybe Artzberger becomes a human wall. Maybe Minerd laces up in a blind fury. Maybe Jaiden scores a hat trick while yelling “WHO’S THE REAL CAPTAIN NOW?!”
If they somehow beat Rush Hour, their reward is the Death Star known as the Drug Mules — a team that will eat your hope and skate backwards while doing it.
Let’s be honest:
The Drug Mules beat them 9-2 last time — with half their team missing (you figure out how that game ended the way it did). Unless the Cones recruit help from a rival league or the spirit of Bobby Orr, this ends quickly.
Expect:
- Jaiden to call for the puck. Constantly.
- Ray Ortega to pick up a goal and two critiques for the opposing bench.
- Junior to treat every line change like a chess move despite calling the knights his “horsies”.
📈 Prediction:
Drug Mules 8 – Traffic Cones 2, and that’s being generous.
🎤 Final Thoughts:
- Mules are the favorites. Hands down. They’ve been elite, efficient, and frustratingly good.
- Rush Hour is the only team with a shot to challenge them — but they need every cog clicking.
- Traffic Cones? They’re playing with house money. If they even win a period, that’s a playoff victory.
🏒 Prediction for the Championship:
Drug Mules over Rush Hour, 6-4.
Cue the champagne (or warm Bud Light), hand Collin the MVP, and let Junior whisper “We were due” before skating off into the sunset.
SARHL Playoffs, baby.
Where legends are made, and hydration is optional.
Quick Stats
Standings
| Team | W | L | OTL | Pts |
| Czechia | 4 | 1 | 0 | 8 |
| Italy | 2 | 1 | 2 | 6 |
| Russia | 2 | 4 | 0 | 4 |
p = President’s Trophy
* = Clinched Playoff Berth
e = Eliminated from Playoffs
League Leaders
| Player | Team | G | A | Pts |
| Ortega, R | Italy | 8 | 3 | 11 |
| Popham, B | Czechia | 5 | 5 | 10 |
| Narvaiz, D | Italy | 8 | 1 | 9 |
| Goalie | Team | W | GAA | SV% |
| Newton, T | Czechia | 4 | 3.75 | 0.847 |
| Artzberger, G | Russia | 2 | 4.17 | 0.824 |
| Rodriguez, F | Italy | 1 | 4.50 | 0.824 |
Minimum 1 games played
League News
Week 7 Recap
Game 1
Drug Mules (I-10) – 7
Traffic Cones (Loop 1604) – 3
“The Waffle House has found its new host.”
This game had all the makings of a disaster movie — except instead of Bruce Willis saving the day, we got Mallery talking to his bag and Junior committing light kidnapping. Yes, welcome to Week 7 of SARHL where attendance is optional, and dignity is scarce.
Lineup Shenanigans
The Traffic Cones, already nursing the emotional wounds of recent shellackings, showed up with fewer skaters than Minerd has excuses. BVV continued his soul-searching walkabout, and Zack still hadn’t recovered from that time someone forgot to pass to him at the beginning of the season. So, Minerd did what any desperate captain would do — he turned to Rush Hour and recruited Mallery, who was caught having a deep and possibly spiritual discussion with his own gear.
Across the rink, the Drug Mules were only slightly more organized. Foss? Still MIA. Glenn? Cryptid status confirmed. Rick? Probably hasn’t skated since 2019. Junior responded accordingly by opening the trunk of his car and pulling out Jacob Hernandez, because apparently that’s a thing you can do now.
The Junior / Jake exchange was eerily similar to this
The Game (Yes, There Was Hockey)
To everyone’s surprise, the Cones actually struck first. Casella, likely annoyed at having to skate for two games, buried a goal off a pass from Ray Salvano, who some still confuse with all the other Rays in the league.
After that, Ashton tied it up with what may have been his only moment of lucidity for the night — fed by Junior, who looked like he was carrying the Mules by sheer disdain for everyone around him.
Then came the second period. And honestly? The Cones looked like they were going to pull away in this one. Minerd and Gilbert connected on a pair of goals, swapping assists and fist bumps like it was 2008. Suddenly, the Cones were up 3-1, and Greg Artzberger was doing his best “I dare you to score” goalie impression.
That was it though. The Cones’ offense, energy, and will to live died at the 3:30 mark of the second. After that?
Ryan Lewis happened.
The Turnaround
Lewis did what he does best — irritate the opposition just enough to distract them from actual hockey. Minerd, the last man you’d expect to snap, snapped. He chased Lewis down like he was holding a picture of BVV returning from vacation, took a penalty, and handed the Mules a powerplay.
Enter Jake. The sub. The menace. The fake Michigan enthusiast. He lifted the puck off the ice by about four inches, carried it from the corner like a toddler with a juice box, and somehow scored. Mallery, standing beside him in a Rush Hour jersey, calmly said “Ole!” and allowed him to pass — proving teammates are thicker than puck-stopping.
From there, it was a parade of Drug Mule goals:
- Ryan Lewis added another.
- Junior found the net while most of the Cones were already shaking hands.
- Jake finished the night with two, because why not?
Final Notes:
- Shout out to Jaiden, sidelined but still showing up like a true team player. Scorekeeping, cheering, and acting as the impartial judge we never expected him to be. Rumors are he even cracked a smile.
- Mallery gets a D+ for defensive effort, but an A for drama.
- Gilbert was last seen carrying the entire Cone offense on his back while asking if BVV’s sabbatical was open for enrollment.
Final Score:
Drug Mules 7 – Traffic Cones 3
Mules secure the W. Cones secure… a group therapy session.
Game 2
Rush Hour (I-35) – 8
Traffic Cones (Loop 1604) – 3
“You either die a hero, or live long enough to see Dixon score.”
After a brutal first game, the Traffic Cones were left battered, bruised, and asking the age-old question: Is this worth the gas money to get here to play tonight? Spoiler alert: It wasn’t.
Emergency Recruitment (Again)
Still scraping the bottom of the attendance barrel, Andrew Minerd found himself once again forced to accept outside help. Enter Ryan Lewis, the same man who literally drove him to a penalty the game before. But in the true spirit of SARHL forgiveness (which lasts about 37 minutes), the two hugged it out, shared a Capri Sun, and moved on like nothing happened. We even got the reunion on video:
Across the rink, Rush Hour looked like an actual team. Two full lines. Players warming up. It was suspicious. Possibly a trap. But no, it was real.
1st Period: A Mirage
The Cones actually scored first. And second.
- Ryan Lewis tallied the first goal, assisted by Ray Salvano, who has quietly been collecting helpers while contributing roughly the same energy as a sloth on Ambien.
- Moments later, Gilbert scored off a pass from Minerd, who looked surprised his team still had puck possession that deep into a shift.
2-0 Cones. The bench was fired up. Mallery clapped enthusiastically for some reason. Maybe he forgot he was no longer playing for the Cones? Or maybe he was just happy for them. For a brief moment, it looked like maybe, just maybe, this was going to be the game the Cones turned it around.
Then, Neil Lewis shattered that dream with a lazer from 150 feet away that clipped a stick, bounced twice, confused Greg Artzberger, and trickled in. The real story here? Felipe got the assist. The scoreboard even flashed “Xbox Achievement Unlocked – Goalie Assist.”
That goal spelled the end of the night for the Cones.
2nd Period: The Spiral
Rush Hour, remembering that they weren’t the Cones, went on a tear:
- Neil tied it up off a dish from Dixon, which was shocking enough, but then—
- Penn scored an unassisted goal because he realized the Cones were playing defense like they were in quicksand.
- Then Dixon himself scored from an angle so stupid no one in their right mind would shoot from there. But he did. And it went in. And he smiled. And it was gross.
Score: 4-2. And with that, the Cones’ remaining morale packed its bags and left the building.
3rd Period: Just End It
The Cones did try to make it interesting, with Casella scoring off another Minerd helper, proving that some semblance of chemistry still exists on this mess of a team.
But Rush Hour had seen enough:
- Jake scored (ho-hum).
- Penn added two more late ones, both from passes by Jake, who was doing his best impression of a playmaker while rubbing it in.
Final Score: Rush Hour 8 – Traffic Cones 3
Final Notes:
- Dixon scoring from a point even NASA wouldn’t have calculated? Check.
- Felipe getting on the scoresheet and instantly demanding a new contract? Check.
- Artzberger, who looked like he was reading War and Peace in net, probably thought half the game was a fever dream.
Shoutout to Jaiden, who once again put on the zebra stripes from the scorekeeper’s desk despite being sidelined, and managed to do what few can — be fair, balanced, and silently judgmental. A true hero.
Next week: Rumors suggest some players might even RSVP “Yes” ahead of time. We’re not holding our breath.
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