San Antonio Roller Hockey League

Game 1

Traffic Cones (Loop 1604) 6 – Rush Hour (I-35) 1

In what was hyped to be a marquee matchup, the Traffic Cones steamrolled Rush Hour in a 6-1 dismantling that felt more like a DMV visit than a hockey game.

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🟧 Traffic Cones Goal Scorers:

• Ron Ylagan x2 – Had more goals than total season appearances.
• BVV x2 – Somehow assisting and scoring while stat-checking between shifts.
• Andrew Minerd x1 – Finally getting his groove back
• Brandon Popham x1 – Took advantage of a defense that went missing like his cardio.

🟥 Rush Hour Goal Scorer:

• Jake x1 – Saved the team from a shutout and possibly from losing Coach Penn indefinitely.

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🎞️ Game Summary:

Both teams showed up light on passengers, ditching some familiar dead weight. Gilbert, Merullo, Shanahan, and Deary were all absent, and it really showed… because the game was watchable for a minute.

The Cones wasted no time. Ron Ylagan, likely shocked by a BVV pass, opened the scoring. In typical Rush Hour fashion, all three defenders collapsed on BVV, leaving Ron enough time to write a thank-you note before scoring. Felipe didn’t move—either frozen in disbelief or just letting Ron have this one.

From there, it spiraled. Minerd and BVV added to the lead in the first, which ended 3-0—and yes, Dixon was on the ice for all three goals. We know how, but we don’t know why.

Despite Felipe’s best attempts to salvage the game, the second period didn’t offer much relief. Ron chipped in another and Rush Hour entered the third trailing 4-0.

That’s when Coach Penn delivered a locker-room speech that may have included emotional threats. We’ll never know, but Jake made sure the shutout wouldn’t haunt them by scoring on a pinballing shot that defied physics, logic, and Artzberger’s equipment.

It was too little, too late. Popham and BVV each added insurance, with BVV netting what could only be described as a “bon voyage” goal, as he jets off for two months of who-knows-what and probably won’t stop talking about this game until he returns.

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📝 Final Thoughts:

Rush Hour barely hit second gear while the Traffic Cones set cruise control and coasted. The difference? One team remembered how to pass and the other remembered too late that there was a game happening.

Game 2

Rush Hour (I-35) 5 – Drug Mules (I-10) 2

After being embarrassed by a team named after stationary objects, Rush Hour rebounded in the late game with a decisive 5-2 win over the Drug Mules—despite I10 trying to stack the deck with questionable subs. In the end, the only thing the Mules smuggled out was disappointment.

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🚦 Rush Hour Goal Scorers:

• Mike Mallery x2 – Which is two more than anyone asked for.
• Penn x2 – Always clutch when it doesn’t really matter.
• Neil Lewis x1 – “One goal every five periods, baby.”

💊 Drug Mules Goal Scorers:

• Ray Ortega x2 – Playing angry at his teammates… again.

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📖 Game Breakdown:

The Drug Mules rolled into this one with confidence and a suspicious number of high-end subs: Jaiden for Rick and Popham for Glenn. If this were Monopoly, the Mules were playing with hotels before buying houses. Oh, and Collin was missing—but when is he not?

Despite their roster gymnastics, the Mules came out flatter than a La Vernia tortilla. Meanwhile, Rush Hour’s game plan was shockingly effective: “Don’t give up a goal in the first 60 seconds of every period.” Revolutionary stuff.

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⚡ 1st Period – The Mallery Miracle:

After Ryan Lewis tripped Jake in the most dramatic fashion possible (judges gave scores of 8.8, 9.3, and 9.0 on the dive), Rush Hour capitalized on the powerplay when Mallery snuck one past Artzberger, who was subbing in for Taylor Newton.

Penn added a second goal shortly after and proceeded to treat the Drug Mules bench like a confused class of first graders, explaining how to “try harder.”

Jaiden, possibly feeling left out, gave Rush Hour a powerplay gift with a classic “Too Many Men” penalty—subbing in before his teammate left the ice like it was a fire drill.

The ensuing pressure didn’t lead to a PP goal, but Penn would score just as the penalty expired, earning himself the “Tactician of the Year” nod on the bench. 3-0 after one. Crisis avoided. Spirits high. Felipe’s GAA intact.

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🧊 2nd Period – The Slow Breakaway:

With the Mules looking increasingly dehydrated and demoralized, Mallery bizarrely found himself on a breakaway. Last time that happened, he ended up in the boards without even registering a shot. But this time? Artzberger’s leg locked, Mallery mis-handled the puck just right, and what looked like a failed deke turned into goal #2.

It was horrible to witness, but technically counted. Ray Ortega, furious as always, got one back with a lazy backhand from the corner that somehow snuck past Felipe. Felipe immediately pulled a hammy looking back in disbelief.

Neil Lewis, doing his usual “one goal per half-week” routine, popped in a late-period goal to re-establish the 4-goal lead.

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💤 3rd Period – The Inevitable Fade:

Rush Hour played ultra-conservative in the third. Think 0-1-2 trap with a side of “we’re too tired for this.” Meanwhile, Ray Ortega channeled his inner BVV, tapping in a final goal with 10 seconds left after Rush Hour had already started their on-ice celebrations.

Mules pulled within three, but the game had long been over.

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📋 Postgame Quotes (Probably):

Penn: “That’s what happens when we get 70% of our team to show up.”

Mallery: “Do I get a sticker or something for the deke?”

Jaiden: “I can’t believe I got a penalty just for being enthusiastic.”

Jr: “…”

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🧮 Final Thoughts:

Rush Hour got their redemption. The Drug Mules got exposed. Jaiden got himself on the scoresheet… in all the wrong ways.