After nine weeks of chaos, missed calls, questionable roster management, and the occasional actual hockey game, the SARHL Playoffs are finally here. Three teams remain in contention for the coveted title—and while the Legendary Stoners sit atop the standings awaiting a challenger, it’s up to Waste Management and the Southside Sicarios to battle it out in Game 1 for the right to face them in the championship.
Who will rise? Who will unravel? And which team will realize they forgot to bring a goalie again? Let’s break it down.
Game 1 – Waste Management (5-2-1) vs. Southside Sicarios (3-5-0)
If there’s one team that’s been on the rise all season, it’s Waste Management. Since shaking off an early loss and getting Coach Penn back from Vegas or witness protection or whatever that was, this team has been clicking on all cylinders. Micah Deary is an unstoppable force, Jake Hernandez narrowly missed a scoring title, and Ricky Bobby continues to score while doing just enough to avoid interviews. Even their subs are dangerous—just ask the Sicarios about Brandon Popham.
Meanwhile, the Southside Sicarios are less predictable and more chaotic. At their best, they’re a dangerous offensive team with multiple scoring threats. At their worst, they’re… well, benching their best goalie and flipping nets mid-game. Jaiden Hernandez’s leadership has been equal parts strategic and spontaneous, and his ever-shifting alliances (looking at you, BVV) have created as much confusion as chemistry. Still, with Collin Iacarella, BVV, and Ashton Baggett all capable of producing, they can’t be counted out.
But make no mistake: if they don’t bring their A-game, Waste Management will steamroll them before the Stoners even finish warming up.
Key to Watch:
- Will Micah take over the game again, or can the Sicarios actually play some defense?
- Can Jaiden rally the troops or will we get another game of line chaos and passive-aggressive chirping?
- Will the Sicarios finally figure out who their go-to guy is… or just keep guessing until it’s too late?
Prediction: Waste Management is too balanced and too hot right now. Unless Jaiden has a masterclass brewing, expect the trashmen to take out the Sicarios and roll into the final.
Game 2 – Championship Game: Legendary Stoners (7-1-0) vs. Winner of Game 1
The Legendary Stoners are the final boss of the SARHL season. They don’t play flashy. They don’t play fast. They don’t even play particularly interesting. But they win, and they’ve done it with a formula as simple as it is frustrating: grind the pace down, capitalize on mistakes, and let Junior, Ryan Lewis, Zack Merullo, and Will Newell handle the scoring.
Now, they sit rested and ready, waiting for the survivor of Game 1 to stumble into their trap. If Waste Management wins, this could be the rematch of the year—the only team to beat the Stoners during the regular season squaring off again with everything on the line. But if the Sicarios sneak in, it’s anyone’s guess what version of that team shows up.
Either way, the Stoners will be patient, methodical, and painfully effective.
Key to Watch:
- Can the Stoners keep their pace and grind down a red-hot Waste Management squad or a wild-card Sicarios team?
- Will Zack finally get all his stat corrections logged in time to focus on the game?
- Can Junior finish his mumble-powered championship tour with the trophy in hand?
Prediction: The Stoners are favorites for a reason, but Waste Management has the firepower to disrupt their flow. If it’s the Sicarios… expect a wild one, but a Stoners win.
Final Thoughts:
- Waste Management is surging and ready for revenge or glory.
- The Sicarios are chaotic neutral and could ruin everything—or themselves.
- The Stoners are boring, dangerous, and perfectly positioned.
- Only one team leaves with the crown.
This is it. One night. Two games. One champion. Let the SARHL playoffs begin.