🥇 WEEK 1 PREVIEW – SARHL Olympic Edition
Now featuring national pride, inflated egos, and missing captains!
Game 1: Russia 🇷🇺 vs Italy 🇮🇹
Known Absences:
- 🇷🇺 Jaiden – Emotionally unavailable after the Patriots game. Could be drunk, could be sulking, could be both.
- 🇮🇹 Junior – Off at NARCh, where he’s probably running perfect line changes and not saying a word. We don’t expect him to bring that work ethic back with him.
Storyline:
Russia opens the season hosting Italy in a matchup that promises plenty of offense, confusion, and probably a lot of Ray-on-Ray action that no one asked for.
With Jaiden out, Russia may actually function better for a period or two before realizing they’re still being captained via group text. Expect Ryan Lewis to take over the bench by yelling passive-aggressive things like “Guess I’ll just stay out until someone calls me off then.”
On Italy’s side, no Junior means Felipe is backstopping a rotating cast of chaos. BVV will refuse to pass unless a Ray is open. Ashton will score on his first shot, then disappear into the vapor. Gilbert will do all the work and get none of the credit.
Key Matchup:
Collin Iacarella vs David Narvaiz’s GoPro footage. One of them is scoring tonight. The other is uploading to YouTube with dramatic music.
Wild Prediction:
Italy goes up 4-0 in the first 10 minutes and nearly blows it. Russia claws back late, but Felipe makes one big save and demands his tamales on the bench.
📈 Prediction: Italy 6 – Russia 5
Game 2: Russia 🇷🇺 vs Czechia 🇨🇿
Known Absences:
- 🇨🇿 Taylor Newton – Also at NARCh, rumored to be scouting replacement goalies for when he inevitably “forgets his skates” mid-season.
Storyline:
Russia pulls the double-header in Week 1 — meaning Greg Artzberger will likely need a milk crate to sit on between games. But facing Czechia without their usual wall of a goalie (he stops enough pucks to be considered a wall but also moves as often as one), this game may open up for a full-on track meet.
That said, Czechia doesn’t really “track” or “meet.” Their cardio plan involves slow shifts, slower changes, and relying heavily on Minerd to “accidentally” score twice and not remember either time.
Expect Popham to yell “wheel!” at least six times. Mallery will trip over a stick and call it interference. Micah might show up and immediately call for the puck. Neil Lewis will quietly collect a couple points and then vanish like a Czech spy in 1967.
Key Matchup:
Can Russia’s second wind (if they have one) overpower Czechia’s first and only gear?
Wild Prediction:
Darin von Mystery scores the game-winner and no one learns his last name.
📈 Prediction: Czechia 5 – Russia 4 (SO)
Week 1 Themes:
- Captains are missing. Goalie egos are intact.
- Russia plays two, but might still not know who’s on their team.
- Italy starts the season with a tamale debt and two Rays.
- Czechia starts with a shootout win and absolutely no cardio.
Let the Olympic season begin!
May the benches be long, the line changes chaotic, and the penalty calls nonexistent.