Game 1: I-10 def. I-35, 9–5
Opening Day. New season. Same chaos. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Goal Scorers for I-35:
- Penn (x2): Got a late start, casually potted two, then left wondering why no one else could do the same.
- Neil Lewis (x1): Finally playing league games. Finally scoring. This is where the niceties end.
- Jake (x2): Didn’t miss a beat from last season. Still finds ways to be useful even when the rest of the team forgets the game has started.
Goal Scorers for I-10:
- Junior (x2): Started the season in classic Jr fashion — first shift, first goal, first smirk.
- Ray Ortega (x3): Hat trick in Week 1? Clearly peaking early to avoid doing anything important come playoff time.
- Ryan Lewis (x3): Lurking, sneaky, opportunistic… and somehow always left wide open. Again.
- David Narvaiz (x1): Picked up a sneaky goal while his GoPro caught nothing but his own breathing and half of the benches.
Recap:
You ever show up late to a movie and feel completely lost the rest of the time? That was I35 in this one. The puck dropped, Jr’s line took advantage of Dixon’s crew just vibing through the faceoff, and boom — 1-0 in 10 seconds. No one was ready. Dixon’s face said, “Wait, what sport is this?”
I10 ran it up 4-0 before I35 realized this wasn’t warmups. Felipe, in net for I35, had flashbacks to every other team he’s played for — mostly confusion and betrayal. And with Penn arriving late (a calculated Penn move), the early damage had been done.
From there, it was an even match — 5-5 the rest of the way — but you don’t win SARHL games based on the “rest of the way.”
Kevin Shanahan, who is still on the I35 payroll despite having the plus/minus of a training cone, tried to reassure the bench with constant chants of “we’ve got them right where we want them,” shortly before not getting them anywhere. Micah was MIA, which may have actually helped the team chemistry but hurt the lines as having 5 forwards left everyone confused.
For I10, the story is all about their top guys — firing on all cylinders with Ray and Ryan trading goals like Pokémon cards. Ray Ortega has promised to score less in Week 2, which feels more like a threat than a promise. Foss allegedly dressed. Domingo allegedly is on this team. Junior was overheard comparing Glenn to Micah and suggesting that their absences are a wash since they are “about the same skill level.”
We are sending thoughts and prayers for I35 defenseman Mike Mallery’s 22-year old stick. Gone too soon, but never forgotten. He was sad.
Both Taylor Newton and Felipe played ok. Not great, but not terrible. They were milk toast at best.
There’s no way to tell how well the goalies really did as the scorekeeper (and this includes the self-proclaimed supervisor to the scorekeeper) failed to tally shots for this game. As if that big space at the bottom of the scoresheet that says “Shots” is just a figment of our imagination.
Final Word:
A game that started hilariously bad for I35 and only improved after they were in a 4-goal hole. On the plus side, they still have a shot at the playoffs.
We’ll call this a “learning opportunity.”
Game 2: I-35 def. Loop 1604, 7–6 (SO)
Double header? More like double yawner. That was terrible. Bad ChatGPT.
Goal Scorers for I35:
- Jake (x3): The one guy you can always count on to score… and then tell you he scored.
- Penn (x2): Woke up mid-game, scored twice, then started calculating everyone’s ice time like it was fantasy hockey.
- Ian Chase (x1): Got his name on the sheet and then disappeared faster than Glenn Domingo on backcheck.
Goal Scorers for 1604:
- Zack Merullo (x3): The hat trick nobody remembers — including him.
- Matt Gilbert (x3): Still riding the high from his playoff setup last season. Might’ve peaked too early. Again.
Recap:
If Game 1 had energy, Game 2 said “no thanks.” This was classic SARHL slow-burn hockey — players gliding, goalies blinking, refs yawning, and everyone waiting for someone else to do something.
1604 rolled in missing their fearless leader Andrew Minerd who was allegedly out with the sniffles. With no signs of BVV either, the team turned to Jaiden who promptly started talking to his pre-game mirror for motivation. “You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, refs like you.” The mirror cracked.
Jake and Gilbert traded hat tricks like it was a weekend garage sale. Penn added a pair, clearly annoyed that his first-game effort didn’t lead to a W. Zack quietly snagged three for 1604, but most of them came from Matt Gilbert rebounds, so we’re giving Matt 1.5 hat tricks and Zack a pat on the back.
I35’s lone spark of originality came from Ian Chase, who popped one in while everyone was busy figuring out what line he was on. He celebrated like he’d won the Sizzler gift card — spoiler alert: no Sizzler this season.
Felipe and Greg both had flashes of brilliance. Greg made several key saves but then reverted to “standing very still and hoping for the best” mode. Felipe, unfazed, treated each 1604 possession like a practice drill — half effort, full sarcasm.
Shootout Drama:
As if 36 minutes of this wasn’t enough, we got free hockey… and then the shootout.
- Round 1:
Jaiden, drunk with imaginary power, called his own number. He glided in slowly, overthought everything, and fired a puck square into Felipe’s chest protector. Inspirational.
Penn countered with Augie, who managed a shot on goal, which may have just been a mental warfare tactic. It worked. - Round 2:
Gilbert pulled a page from Jaiden’s book and also failed. Kevin Shanahan — yes, that Kevin — deked Greg and himself so hard, both of them needed to relace their skates. Goal. - Round 3:
Zack looked lost the moment he realized shootouts don’t award assists. He missed wide, muttered something about stat padding, and shuffled back to the bench. Game over.
Notably, Dixon was next in line for I35. Thank God it didn’t come to that.
Final Word:
The second game of a back-to-back for I35 turned into a slogfest against a depleted 1604 team run by the man with the mirror. Somehow, someway, I35 walked away with two points — and Felipe’s smirk says he’s claiming credit.
Let’s all agree to never speak of this game again.