This is peak SARHL nonsense and we love every second of it.
Game 1
Czechia 10 – Italy 9 (SO)
“Defense Was Optional. Goaltending Was Theoretical.”
If you blinked, you missed three goals.
If you looked away, you missed five.
This was not hockey. This was competitive chaos.
Scoring Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Goal Scorer | Assists | Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2:28 | Italy | Narvaiz, David | Yupanqui, Junior | ITA 1 – 0 CZE |
| 1 | 4:40 | Italy | Ortega, Ray | none | 2 – 0 |
| 1 | 6:27 | Czechia | Deary, Micah | Popham, Brandon | 2 – 1 |
| 1 | 7:02 | Czechia | Deary, Micah | none | 2 – 2 |
| 1 | 11:55 | Italy | Narvaiz, David | none | 3 – 2 |
| 2 | 1:18 | Czechia | Popham, Brandon | Lewis, Neil | 3 – 3 |
| 2 | 2:37 | Italy | Narvaiz, David | none | 4 – 3 |
| 2 | 3:43 | Czechia | Minerd, Andrew | Deary, Micah | 4 – 4 |
| 2 | 6:44 | Czechia | Lewis, Neil | Popham, Brandon | 4 – 5 |
| 2 | 8:14 | Italy | Narvaiz, David | Ortega, Ray | 5 – 5 |
| 2 | 9:55 | Italy | Yupanqui, Junior | none | 6 – 5 |
| 2 | 10:27 | Czechia | Deary, Micah | none | 6 – 6 |
| 2 | 11:40 | Italy | Yupanqui, Junior | none | 7 – 6 |
| 3 | 1:16 | Czechia | Minerd, Andrew | Eash, Darrin | 7 – 7 |
| 3 | 3:56 | Czechia | Deary, Micah | Popham, Brandon | 7 – 8 |
| 3 | 5:08 | Czechia | Deary, Micah | Popham, Brandon / Foss, David | 7 – 9 |
| 3 | 9:29 | Italy | Ortega, Ray | none | 8 – 9 |
| 3 | 11:59 | Italy | Ortega, Ray | Narvaiz, David | 9 – 9 |
Penalty Summary
None.
Which feels criminal.
The Game That Forgot What Defense Was
Italy was short-handed and reached into Junior’s trunk to retrieve Jacob Hernandez, just like old times. It worked — sort of. What didn’t work was any semblance of defensive structure from either team.
This was pond hockey with slightly better jerseys.
Both goalies decided positioning was optional. Pucks were going in from angles normally reserved for trick-shot YouTube channels. At one point it felt like first team to 12 wins — except neither team could hold a lead for more than 90 seconds.
Micah Deary absolutely detonated this game with five goals and looked like he was playing NHL ’94 on easy mode. Narvaiz countered with four of his own like a man trying to singlehandedly earn Player of the Week.
The Controversy
With Czechia clinging to a 9–8 lead in the final seconds, Italy won an offensive-zone faceoff and moved it back to Ray Ortega.
Ray loaded up.
The ref — using the dreaded electric whistle — prematurely “blew” the play dead.
Ray fired anyway.
Goal.
Confusion.
Bench outrage.
Shrugs.
Ref admitted the mistake.
Goal stands.
Because this is SARHL and consistency is for other leagues.
9–9.
Overtime
Nothing happened.
Obviously zero goals.
Probably zero shots.
Possibly zero skating.
Absolutely zero effort.
On to the shootout.
Shootout Summary
Italy: 0 / 6
Czechia: 1 / 6
Round after round of lost pucks, bobbled dekes, and existential dread.
- Junior sent Adam Dixon out first. Newton couldn’t read him — mostly because Dixon didn’t know what he was doing either.
- Micah and Neil both fumbled attempts between the circles.
- Rick Odom even took a turn. It went as expected.
Then came Mike Mallery for Czechia.
He confidently announced beforehand:
“I’m going fake shot leg pump, backhand. Felipe fell for it years ago.”
With considerably less grace than advertised, Mallery executed something vaguely resembling the move… and it worked.
Newton then sealed it with a full-extension diving pokecheck on Jake.
Game over.
Three Stars
★ Micah Deary (CZE)
5 goals. Absolute menace. Probably still scoring somewhere.
★★ David Narvaiz (ITA)
4 goals and dragged Italy into a game they didn’t deserve to win.
★★★ Mike Mallery (CZE)
Shootout hero. Self-proclaimed genius. Actually backed it up for once.
Final Thoughts
- This was not hockey.
- This was not structured.
- This was not defensively responsible.
But it was absolutely SARHL.
Czechia takes another shootout win — and that SO point continues to loom large in the standings.
And somehow… we still had another game to play that night.
Game 2
Italy 4 – Russia 3
“From Death Metal to Kenny G.”
If Game 1 was a 10-goal guitar solo, Game 2 was soft saxophone in an elevator. Everyone agreed — silently — to not skate that hard. And honestly? It showed.
Italy skated away with a 4–3 win in what can only be described as aggressively average hockey.
Scoring Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Goal Scorer | Assists | Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2:41 | Italy | Yupanqui, Junior (PP) | none | ITA 1 – 0 RUS |
| 2 | 5:58 | Italy | Yupanqui, Junior | none | 2 – 0 |
| 2 | 7:25 | Russia | Popham, Brandon (Sub) | Hernandez, Jaiden / Lewis, Neil (Sub) | 2 – 1 |
| 2 | 8:47 | Italy | Narvaiz, David | Ortega, Ray | 3 – 1 |
| 3 | 0:33 | Italy | Yupanqui, Junior | Mallery, Mike (Sub) | 4 – 1 |
| 3 | 3:22 | Russia | Vargas, Augie | none | 4 – 2 |
| 3 | 5:15 | Russia | Vargas, Augie | Chase, Ian / Hernandez, Jacob | 4 – 3 |
Penalty Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Player | Infraction |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 2:40 | Russia | Chase, Ian | Hooking |
One penalty. Immediately punished. Clean, efficient, and very un-SARHL-like.
A Softer Brand of Chaos
Both teams were short, so they went shopping at the Czechia bench.
- Jaiden grabbed Popham and Neil Lewis.
- Junior reluctantly adopted Mike Mallery after being defeated by puppy dog eyes.
And somehow, this game felt… structured.
Disturbing.
The Real MVP: The Scoresheet
Let’s talk about what truly mattered:
Taylor Newton’s immaculate scorekeeping.
- Shots recorded.
- Per period.
- In the section labeled “Shots.”
- With notes.
We are in the presence of greatness. What a stud.
Notable (Or Not) Moments
- Greg Artzberger’s flying pokecheck broke up a 2-on-1 early. A rare moment of athleticism that likely required a nap afterward.
- Greg then “flashed leather” on a breakaway by Adam Dixon. We refuse to define what that means.
- Junior missed a wide open net with one second left in the first. A certified Jr™ moment.
- Jake made a defensive play. It was written down. That’s how rare it was.
- Multiple notes about “backdoor opportunities.” We are choosing to believe this was hockey terminology.
And of course:
A lone fan shouted, “Hit Jr in the cock!” during a slapshot wind-up.
The Olympic spirit lives.
The Game Winner
Early in the third, Mallery blocked a shot off his kneecap which missed all the padding. No one noticed. No one cared.
He then calmly winged the puck down ice to Junior, who scored what became the game-winner.
From neglected casualty to primary assist. Cinema.
Late Drama (Sort Of)
Augie netted two slow rollers through Felipe’s legs to make things interesting. Both trickled in with the urgency of a slow-leaking faucet.
With Artzberger pulled, Russia turned into a goaltending clinic:
- Jaiden
- Ian
- Augie
Three blocked shots at the empty net.
How do we get goalies like that?
⭐ Three Stars
★ Junior Yupanqui (ITA)
Hat trick. Missed open net. Balanced performance.
★★ Augie Vargas (RUS)
Two greasy goals to make it respectable.
★★★ David Narvaiz (ITA)
The only other goal scorer playing for his actual team.
Final Thoughts
- Game 1: chaos.
- Game 2: calm.
- Both: deeply SARHL.
Italy takes the 4–3 win in a game nobody will remember next week except Taylor Newton, who has the documentation to prove it happened.
Week 3 splits the narrative.
Czechia takes the thriller.
Italy takes the jazz nightcap.
Russia leaves wondering why they always feel slightly unfinished.