Game 1
Rush Hour (I-35) vs. The Traffic Cones (Loop 1604)
“The battle of the backups, the bruised egos, and Brian Van Vlymen’s last nerve and game.”
Storylines to Watch:
- Rush Hour is playing above their pay grade most nights. They’re 2-1-1 with a stranglehold on second place… but in this league, that’s like being the skinniest kid at fat camp. Missing Coach Penn, Jake, and Micah has hurt, but not nearly as much as watching Shanahan score and smile about it. Gross.
- 1604 is that team that can score in bunches but then forgets how to play defense halfway through the second period. They’re 1-2-1, and without some lineup consistency, they may find themselves in the Recap Basement™ before long.
- Zack Merullo is might be back after a serious bout turf toe and lamented ego. Let’s see if he pads his assist total or pads his excuses.
- BVV vs. Mallery (again?) is always must-watch. Mallery was seen flipping BVV the bird last time they matched up. Better than day-time soaps.
- Gilbert and Casella need to keep feeding Jaiden the puck — not because he’s the best option, but because he’s the loudest if they don’t.
- Felipe will have to be sharp for Rush Hour. His team’s defense is basically made of popsicle sticks and best intentions.
Prediction:
This one depends on whether Penn is back from wherever he’s been (Canada? Jury duty? Personal retreat?). If he’s in the lineup, Rush Hour can steal this one. If not, 1604 may finally find their rhythm. Either way, expect at least one controversial goal, two self-assigned captaincies, and someone asking if we have sunscreen for an 8pm game.
Game 2
Rush Hour (I-35) vs. Drug Mules (I-10)
“The rematch that absolutely no one asked for.”
Key Context:
- The Mules are still riding high atop the standings at 3-1-0, and if you don’t like it, Junior doesn’t care. He’s not here for your feelings. He’s here to awkwardly toe-drag around defenders and mutter about past championships.
- Collin Iacarella, the SARHL’s own hot/cold enigma, might show up again just long enough to drop 2+ goals before disappearing for another three weeks.
- Ray Ortega has quietly put together a nice season. Like too quiet. Like “Is he trying to avoid taxes?” quiet.
- Meanwhile, Rush Hour will be battling heat stroke and self-doubt in the second half of their double header. At this point, they’re really just hoping Micah shows up and Shanahan doesn’t regress.
- Augie is playing like a man trying to win a bet with his chiropractor. Expect another greasy goal and 14 missed passes.
- Taylor Newton hasn’t blinked in three games. That’s not a metaphor. We’re starting to worry.
X-Factor:
The heat. By the second game, legs are noodles, tempers are short, and Felipe starts randomly wandering out of his crease to stretch. Whoever manages their subs (or shows up with any) has the upper hand.
Prediction:
The Mules continues to dominate the season series unless Rush Hour finds its core again. Or Jaiden subs in for both teams and cancels himself out. There’s a strong chance of this happening. Either way, expect a slower game with at least one goalie yelling at their own bench.
Bonus Prop Bets of the Week:
- Over/Under on “unintentional too many men” penalties: 1.5
- Odds Jaiden refers to himself as “Captain” and/or “Gorgeous” at least once: -250
- Number of complaints about refs from players who don’t ref: 7
- Number of actual game pucks used: 5
- Number of assists Zack almost gets but someone botches the finish: 4