DONNIE DARKO’S TWO-GAME QUEST TO EXPERIENCE HAPPINESS
There comes a point in every season when standings stop being “early.”
We’re getting there.
Fast & Furious is undefeated.
Fear & Loathing is comfortably hanging around.
And Donnie Darko has spent four games conducting an exhaustive investigation into every possible way a hockey team can lose.
This week, DD gets two opportunities to finally break through.
Game 1: Fear & Loathing.
Game 2: Fast & Furious.
So that’s convenient.
Rather than another lengthy examination of how everyone arrived here, we’re looking forward.
Mostly because Donnie Darko probably doesn’t want to look backward.
GAME 1: DONNIE DARKO vs. FEAR & LOATHING
THE CASE FOR DONNIE DARKO
We’re going to say something controversial:
Donnie Darko isn’t terrible.
Please stop laughing.
There’s legitimate scoring throughout the roster. Nathan Motz can take over stretches. Reuben Lima has been one of the better surprises of the season. Ricky Dominguez returned without appearing to have forgotten how hockey works. Ryan Lewis remains dangerous.
Andrew Minerd knows what he’s doing.
Augie Vargas is capable of creating offense.
David Narvaiz hasn’t suddenly forgotten how to play, just how to show up.
Mike Mallery has apparently entered the most terrifying scoring stretch of his adult life.
There is absolutely no logical reason this team should be incapable of winning.
Which means we’re no longer dealing with hockey.
We’re dealing with a curse.
THE CASE FOR FEAR & LOATHING
Fear & Loathing’s strategy is much easier to understand.
Junior does Junior things.
Popham annoys everyone.
Dixon lurks around faceoffs waiting for opposing centers to forget the scouting report again.
BVV shows up occasionally and does something useful.
Faye is there in spirit.
Jaiden presumably has several thoughts he’d like to share from the scorekeeper’s booth.
And now Brandon Condor has emerged from a cryogenic chamber (?) apparently still knowing how to play hockey.
It’s an odd collection of people.
Which makes it perfectly suited for this league.
BRANDON CONDOR: GRACE PERIOD OVER
Last week we welcomed Brandon back.
We were polite.
We acknowledged his impressive return.
We allowed him to enjoy his four-point evening without harassment.
That courtesy has expired.
Condor disappeared from the SARHL without as much as a hug or a goodbye, and then he wandered back in like someone returning a library book nine years overdue.
No explanation.
No apology.
Just four points.
We don’t know where he’s been.
Maybe raising a family.
Building a career.
Traveling the world.
Living a fulfilling life outside a repurposed tennis court.
Disgusting.
Most of us had the decency to waste that time.
Welcome back, Brandon.
You’re one of us again.
TACTICAL MASTERCLASS: HOW TO STOP ADAM DIXON
We’ve prepared an advanced defensive system.
Step 1: Locate Dixon before an offensive-zone faceoff.
Step 2: Stand across from Dixon.
Step 3: When the puck drops, tie up Dixon’s stick.
That’s the entire system.
We are releasing this proprietary information free of charge.
KEY MATCHUP
Donnie Darko vs. The Concept of Winning
Forget individual matchups.
This is bigger.
At 0-4, the opponent is no longer wearing another jersey.
The opponent lives inside you.
Unfortunately, so does the guy telling Mallery to pinch.
Also unfortunately, Mallery’s idea of pinching has more to do with a toilet than hockey.
PREDICTION
There is no hockey-based justification for continuing to pick Donnie Darko.
So naturally:
Donnie Darko 7, Fear & Loathing 5
We’re going down with this ship.
GAME 2: DONNIE DARKO vs. FAST & FURIOUS
WANTED: SOMEONE TO BEAT THESE PEOPLE
Fast & Furious has become irritating.
Not individually.
Well, Ray is individually irritated already, so that takes care of itself.
Collectively.
They’re undefeated.
They keep finding ways to win.
Penn keeps scoring.
Laveault keeps quietly doing useful things.
Webber has inconveniently developed into an actual player.
Ray has started scoring.
Ian Chase has even contributed without immediately demanding a tribunal afterward.
Enough.
Somebody needs to ruin this.
And apparently we’re asking the winless team to do it.
DAVID PENN’S PRE-GAME CHECKLIST
Penn’s preparation for Donnie Darko should be relatively straightforward.
- Score more than the other team.
- Explain afterward why Steps 1 worked.
The man has found a system.
THE JAKE SITUATION
Jacob Hernandez has been suspiciously absent from all of our storytelling this season.
That makes us nervous.
Penn’s binky is still out there.
Waiting.
Watching.
At some point Jake is going to reappear in a meaningful way.
When it happens, Penn will finally be whole again.
We don’t necessarily think that’s good for the league.
DONNIE DARKO’S SECOND-GAME STRATEGY
This depends heavily on Game 1.
If DD beats Fear & Loathing, they’ll enter Game 2 with something they haven’t experienced all season:
Confidence.
That’s dangerous.
If DD loses Game 1 and falls to 0-5?
Then Fast & Furious faces something potentially even more dangerous:
A team with absolutely nothing left to protect.
No expectations.
No dignity.
No concern for the standings.
Just a bench staring at David Penn thinking:
“Why not?”
That’s how upsets happen.
Or how you lose 9-3.
Could go either way.
PLAYERS WE’D LIKE TO HEAR FROM
David Narvaiz
Hello, David.
We know you’re there.
Whenever you’re ready.
Augie Vargas
We expected more statistical violence by now.
Goals or penalties.
We’re flexible.
Neil Lewis
Still quietly being Neil.
Extremely inconsiderate from a content perspective.
Kevin Shanahan
Fast & Furious hasn’t spent enough time trailing for Kevin to deploy his signature “we have them right where we want them” strategy.
Somebody please fix that.
Matt Gilbert
Augie is right there.
Do with that information what you will.
KEY MATCHUP
Andrew Minerd vs. David Penn
Not because they’ll necessarily spend the evening directly matched against one another.
This is captaincy.
One captain is steering an undefeated team.
The other is steering a shopping cart with one bad wheel down a hill.
Minerd needs a win.
Penn needs someone to remind him that losing remains mathematically possible.
X-FACTOR
Game 1.
That’s it.
DD gets no rest.
Fast & Furious does.
If Donnie Darko spends Game 1 chasing Fear & Loathing all over Fairchild, Game 2 could become ugly.
If DD gets rolling early and finally breaks through?
Suddenly F&F gets a team playing loose with nothing to lose.
Except the second half of a doubleheader.
And probably lung function.
PREDICTION
We picked Donnie Darko in Game 1.
We’re not completely insane.
Fast & Furious 7, Donnie Darko 6
Naturally, DD makes it close.
Naturally, they believe they’re finally going to do it.
Naturally, something horrible happens with 38 seconds left.
At this point, anything else would feel dishonest.
THE NIGHT’S MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION
Forget the standings.
Forget undefeated Fast & Furious.
Forget Fear & Loathing’s doubleheader recovery.
Forget the goalie rotation.
Forget Junior.
Forget Penn.
Forget Mallery’s inexplicable scoring renaissance.
There is only one question:
Can Donnie Darko win a damn hockey game?
They have two chances.
If they go 1-1, the nightmare is over.
If they sweep, suddenly they’re alive.
If they go 0-2…
Oh.
Oh, we’re going to have fun with that.
WEEK 4 PICKS
Game 1: Donnie Darko 7, Fear & Loathing 5
We’re putting them back on the horse whether they like it or not.
Game 2: Fast & Furious 7, Donnie Darko 6
DD discovers victory in Game 1 and spends Game 2 remembering why it took so long.
FINAL WORD
Week 4 belongs to Donnie Darko.
Not because they’re the best team.
Clearly.
Not because they’re leading the standings.
Extremely clearly.
Because they get 72 minutes of hockey to answer one increasingly hilarious question.
Are they actually capable of winning?
Fear & Loathing gets the first attempt to keep the streak alive.
Fast & Furious gets the second.
Minerd gets two games to solve it.
Mallery gets two games to wander away from his assigned position.
And we get two opportunities to watch.
Maybe Donnie Darko finally breaks through.
Maybe Fast & Furious finally loses.
Maybe Brandon Condor explains where the hell he’s been since approximately the Obama administration.
Maybe Adam Dixon scores directly off another faceoff while the opposing center watches in astonishment.
Or maybe we come back next week staring at 0-6.
There are no bad outcomes here.
For us.