Game 1
Czechia 3 – Russia 1
“Two Icebergs racing. One Slightly Faster.”
Ten weeks into the season and we finally arrive at Week 4. Worth the wait? Debatable.
Game 1 featured Russia hosting Czechia in what can only be described as a slow-motion chess match played by two teams of people who don’t know how to play chess. Czechia pulled out a 3–1 win in a game so methodical, it may qualify as a sleep aid.
Scoring Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Goal Scorer | Assists | Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 5:26 | Czechia | Mallery, Mike | none | CZE 1 – 0 RUS |
| 1 | 9:10 | Czechia | Lewis, Neil | Mallery, Mike | CZE 2 – 0 RUS |
| 2 | 0:27 | Russia | Lewis, Ryan | none | CZE 2 – 1 RUS |
| 3 | 7:06 | Czechia | Popham, Brandon | none | CZE 3 – 1 RUS |
Penalty Summary
None.
Somehow.
🎭 Notable (Or Not) Moments
- Jaiden Hernandez (RUS) was a late scratch. “Running late” turned into “not showing up,” which turned into him proudly presenting an empty Sam’s Club tub of Cheese Balls as justification. Leadership to a “T”.
- Mike Mallery scored a goal.
Let’s pause here.
Russia mentally checked out immediately after in shame. - Nathan and Roger (CZE) made their debuts:
- Both wore red.
- Only Roger had his name on his jersey.
- Roger made sure everyone knew that.
- Faye (RUS) made her debut and was, by all accounts, the only Russian player attempting to play hockey.
🧊 The “Action”
Mallery opened the scoring by using Jacob Hernandez as a screen and beating Artzberger glove side — a sentence nobody thought would ever be written.
Neil Lewis added another off a feed from “Gretzky’s Office,” which Mallery apparently rented out for the night because defense is often played from behind the other team’s net.
Russia responded early in the second when Mallery turned generous and handed Ryan Lewis a breakaway. It was a nice tape-to-tape pass, though. Taylor Newton responded by donning his finest red cape and quickly stepping aside allowing the puck right into the net to the cheers and adorations of the crowd who all shouted, “¡Olé!”. Fortunately for Czechia, Russia chose not to do anything after that.
🤝 The Captaincy Crisis
With Jaiden’s photo getting primed for the milk cartons, Russia faced an existential dilemma:
Who would captain this sinking ship?
- Jacob Hernandez
- Kevin Shanahan
- Ian Chase
The answer?
None of them.
Instead, they engaged in a polite but firm Mexican standoff where each insisted someone else should take responsibility. True leadership vacuum.
Actual photo from the Russia bench.
😴 Third Period
Nothing happened.
Popham scored.
No one reacted. No one cared.
Game over.
⭐ Three Stars
★ Mike Mallery (CZE)
Goal, assist, emotional devastation inflicted on Russia.
★★ Neil Lewis (CZE)
Quietly effective, as always. Did his job and left.
★★★ Ryan Lewis (RUS)
Only offense on the scoresheet for Russia. Probably as confused as to how it happened as we are.
🧠 Final Thoughts
- Czechia continues to win games by doing just enough.
- Russia continues to exist in a constant state of “almost.”
- We all know which one is Roger.
This game won’t make the highlight reel.
It might not even make long-term memory.
But it happened.
Taylor has it documented.
Game 2
🇮🇹 Italy 10 – 🇷🇺 Russia 4
“Close Game → Absolute Nonsense”
Coming off a sleepwalking loss in Game 1, Russia had a chance to salvage the night.
Instead, they got run over by a team whose goalie was at a Pokémon convention in someone’s mom’s basement… allegedly.
Let that sink in.
Italy exploded for 10 goals in a game that started competitive… and then very much did not stay that way.
Scoring Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Goal Scorer | Assists | Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 0:13 | Italy | Baggett, Ashton | Yupanqui, Junior | ITA 1 – 0 RUS |
| 1 | 1:15 | Italy | Narvaiz, David | Baggett, Ashton | ITA 2 – 0 RUS |
| 1 | 2:49 | Italy | Ortega, Ray | none | ITA 3 – 0 RUS |
| 1 | 6:02 | Russia | Hernandez, Jacob | Lewis, Ryan | ITA 3 – 1 RUS |
| 1 | 8:22 | Russia | Shanahan, Kevin | Faye | ITA 3 – 2 RUS |
| 1 | 9:48 | Russia | Chase, Ian | none | ITA 3 – 3 RUS |
| 2 | 5:23 | Italy | Ortega, Ray | none | ITA 4 – 3 RUS |
| 2 | 8:31 | Italy | Ortega, Ray | none | ITA 5 – 3 RUS |
| 3 | 1:01 | Italy | Baggett, Ashton (SH) | Yupanqui, Junior | ITA 6 – 3 RUS |
| 3 | 2:10 | Russia | Shanahan, Kevin | Laveault, Travis | ITA 6 – 4 RUS |
| 3 | 4:44 | Italy | Nathan | Ortega, Ray | ITA 7 – 4 RUS |
| 3 | 7:33 | Italy | Narvaiz, David | none | ITA 8 – 4 RUS |
| 3 | 9:00 | Italy | Baggett, Ashton | Gilbert, Matt | ITA 9 – 4 RUS |
| 3 | 10:17 | Italy | Nathan | none | ITA 10 – 4 RUS |
Penalty Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Player | Infraction | PIM |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2 | 11:22 | Italy | Gilbert, Matt | Tripping | 2:00 |
And somehow… this helped Italy.
🎭 Notable (Or Not) Moments
- Felipe Rodriguez (ITA) – Out attending a Pokémon convention. No further questions.
- Rick Odom in net for Italy vs Greg Artzberger for Russia.
One gave up 10 goals.
We’re not saying who.
But we’re all thinking it. - Ashton Baggett played this game while awaiting news of his going into labor.
Instead of pacing a hospital hallway, he opened the scoring and added a hat trick.
Legend. Priorities. - Italy scored 3 goals in under 3 minutes to open the game and immediately tried to fast-forward the night.
⚡ The Brief Moment of Hope
Down 3–0, Russia did something unexpected:
They tried.
- Jacob scored.
- Shanahan scored.
- Ian Chase scored.
Tie game. 3–3.
For a brief, shining moment, we thought, “This might actually be fun.”
That was our mistake. We own it.
🧊 The Collapse
From that point on, Russia reverted back to their default setting:
Passive confusion.
Meanwhile, Italy just kept shooting. And scoring. And not really being challenged.
- Ray Ortega added two in the second.
- Ashton opened the third with a rare short-handed goal because why not.
- Nathan decided late that he was, in fact, an offensive weapon.
- Narvaiz kept quietly piling on.
By the time Nathan scored the 10th goal, it wasn’t necessary. But it was personal. If he doesn’t watch out, he may steal the title of “Garbage Time” from Brian van Vlymen.
⭐ Three Stars
★ Ashton Baggett (ITA)
Hat trick. Assist. Possible father again. Incredible night.
★★ Ray Ortega (ITA)
Multiple goals, constant presence, and somehow the least chaotic Ray on the team.
★★★ Nathan (ITA)
Two goals including the “we didn’t need this but we got it anyway” dagger.
🧠 Final Thoughts
- This game made no sense.
- Russia showed life… briefly… then immediately unplugged.
- Italy scored 10 goals with Rick Odom in net.
We thought we had a game at 3–3.
We did not. Sad face.
Week 4 ends with:
- Czechia quietly winning.
- Italy loudly dominating.
- Russia wondering what just happened… again.