Game 1 – Waste Management vs. Southside Sicarios
With all the pomp and circumstance surrounding the much-anticipated debut of Brian Van Vlymen, Sicarios captain Jaiden Hernandez nearly rolled out a red carpet to welcome his star forward to the lineup. The hype was off the charts. The performance? Well… we’ll just say he’s getting used to his skates.
Instead, Waste Management silenced the fanfare and rolled to a 6-3 victory, putting the Sicarios’ lineup and their captain’s roster management skills under a microscope.
Final Score:
Waste Management 6, Southside Sicarios 3
Goal Scorers:
🟥 Southside Sicarios:
- Collin Iacarella (x2) – Back in the lineup, but now fighting for space
- Jaiden Hernandez (x1) – Had enough time to score in between wondering how his team ended up like this
♻️ Waste Management:
- Travis Laveault (x1) – Opened the scoring and set the tone
- Jacob Hernandez (x4) – Fueled by a partially used $25 Sizzler gift certificate rumor
- Captain Penn (x1) – Still somehow leading the league in scoring despite playing only half the games
Game Notes:
Brian Van Vlymen’s Lackluster Debut
Jaiden spent the entire week hyping up Brian Van Vlymen’s arrival as if the SARHL had just signed a superstar free agent—but reality hit hard. BVV finished the game with a single assist and a roster fit problem that Jaiden didn’t anticipate.
With both Van Vlymen and Collin Iacarella now in the lineup, Jaiden suddenly has to figure out how to split icetime between two massive egos while also somehow keeping his own stats padded. When asked about his current predicament, Jaiden could only shake his head and mutter, “Who drafted this team?”
Jake Hernandez – The Sizzler Motivated Sniper
Apparently, Jake Hernandez of Waste Management was informed that the league’s scoring leader at the end of the season would receive a partially used $25 gift certificate to Sizzler. That was all the motivation he needed to dial in and drop four goals on the Sicarios.
Was this rumor confirmed?
No.
Did it matter?
Absolutely not.
Jake is now fully locked in on winning the Sizzler Sweepstakes, and the rest of the league might need to take him seriously.
Coach Penn – The Most Efficient Scorer in the League?
Penn has quietly been racking up points, despite missing half the season. While other teams are scrambling to defend the flashy names, Penn is sitting back, picking his spots, and casually leading the league in scoring.
At this point, it’s time to ask: Is anyone actually going to start covering him, or are we just letting this happen?
Goalies – Meh, Good Enough
Both goalies played well enough to not be a liability, but neither exactly stole the show. In a game where the offensive storylines took center stage, this was one of those nights where the goalies were just kind of there.
Final Thoughts:
- Jaiden hyped up Van Vlymen like he was SARHL’s LeBron, only to get a single assist.
- Collin and Van Vlymen are now fighting for spotlight time, and Jaiden is stuck in the middle.
- Jake Hernandez has decided to dedicate his season to winning a gift certificate that may or may not exist. But if it does… Oh boy!
- Coach Penn is still somehow leading the league in scoring despite his part-time schedule.
- Both goalies existed. That’s about it.
Waste Management picks up a key win and continues trending upward, while the Sicarios now have a roster management problem they didn’t see coming.
Game 2 – Legendary Stoners vs. Dignowity Gentrification
If you tuned into this game hoping for drama, intensity, or anything resembling excitement, you were watching the wrong game. In true Legendary Stoners fashion, this game was a slow, methodical, defensive slog that left everyone involved questioning why they still play in this league.
Despite a rare sign of life from Dignowity Gentrification, the Stoners did what they do best: lull their opponent into a false sense of security, waste everyone’s time in overtime, and then steal the win in the shootout.
Final Score:
Legendary Stoners 3, Dignowity Gentrification 2 (SO)
Goal Scorers:
🌿 Legendary Stoners:
- Zack Merullo (x1) – Didn’t get an assist, but at least he got something
- Junior Yupanqui (x1) – Back to scoring, just not memorably
🟦 Dignowity Gentrification:
- Brandon Popham (x1) – Somehow continues to be the closest thing Dignowity has to a reliable scorer
- Andrew Minerd (x1) – Scored AND remembered it happened
Game Notes:
Rick Odom’s Revenge (Sort Of)
After being sacrificed to the hockey gods and forced to play goalie for Dignowity last week, Rick Odom got his revenge. He convinced SARHL legend from the 60s, Charles Gawell, to come out of retirement AND stay up past his 5pm bedtime to sub in for Rick.
Of course, the meant Dignowity defenseman Mike Mallery bitched about it, but Mallery bitches about everything, so it wasn’t exactly newsworthy.
Dignowity’s Defensive Effort
Despite being outshot 25-15, Dignowity actually put together a solid full-team defensive effort, frustrating the Stoners and forcing yet another one of their games into a coma-like pace. It wasn’t pretty, but for a team still searching for their first win, grinding out a point in the standings is the closest thing they’ve had to a victory all season. Baby steps…
Zack’s Assist-less Nightmare
Zack Merullo did not register an assist. Given that he scored one of the Stoners’ only two goals, there was no postgame rant about stolen stats, no scorekeeper accusations, and no need to “double-check” the scoresheet. In short: he had no leg to stand on, and that alone made this game feel unusual. Leaving the scorekeeper alone is worth a sympathy apple, though.
Junior’s Scoring Return… Kind Of
Junior finally found his way back on the scoresheet, just not in any way that anyone will remember. He’s scoring goals again, but no one really seems to notice.
The Skating Scientist Deletes Evidence
Our resident Skating Scientist, David Narvaiz, had his GoPro recording the entire game, but when reviewing the footage afterward, he promptly deleted all of it, citing that it was an “embarrassment that there was no usable hockey footage.”
He’s not wrong. Nothing happened in this game.
Final Thoughts:
- The Stoners win, barely…
- Dignowity gets their first point of the season but remains winless.
- There was so little that happened, we could only come up with two bullet points.