Game 1
Drug Mules (I-10) – 7
Traffic Cones (Loop 1604) – 3
“The Waffle House has found its new host.”
This game had all the makings of a disaster movie — except instead of Bruce Willis saving the day, we got Mallery talking to his bag and Junior committing light kidnapping. Yes, welcome to Week 7 of SARHL where attendance is optional, and dignity is scarce.
Lineup Shenanigans
The Traffic Cones, already nursing the emotional wounds of recent shellackings, showed up with fewer skaters than Minerd has excuses. BVV continued his soul-searching walkabout, and Zack still hadn’t recovered from that time someone forgot to pass to him at the beginning of the season. So, Minerd did what any desperate captain would do — he turned to Rush Hour and recruited Mallery, who was caught having a deep and possibly spiritual discussion with his own gear.
Across the rink, the Drug Mules were only slightly more organized. Foss? Still MIA. Glenn? Cryptid status confirmed. Rick? Probably hasn’t skated since 2019. Junior responded accordingly by opening the trunk of his car and pulling out Jacob Hernandez, because apparently that’s a thing you can do now.
The Junior / Jake exchange was eerily similar to this
The Game (Yes, There Was Hockey)
To everyone’s surprise, the Cones actually struck first. Casella, likely annoyed at having to skate for two games, buried a goal off a pass from Ray Salvano, who some still confuse with all the other Rays in the league.
After that, Ashton tied it up with what may have been his only moment of lucidity for the night — fed by Junior, who looked like he was carrying the Mules by sheer disdain for everyone around him.
Then came the second period. And honestly? The Cones looked like they were going to pull away in this one. Minerd and Gilbert connected on a pair of goals, swapping assists and fist bumps like it was 2008. Suddenly, the Cones were up 3-1, and Greg Artzberger was doing his best “I dare you to score” goalie impression.
That was it though. The Cones’ offense, energy, and will to live died at the 3:30 mark of the second. After that?
Ryan Lewis happened.
The Turnaround
Lewis did what he does best — irritate the opposition just enough to distract them from actual hockey. Minerd, the last man you’d expect to snap, snapped. He chased Lewis down like he was holding a picture of BVV returning from vacation, took a penalty, and handed the Mules a powerplay.
Enter Jake. The sub. The menace. The fake Michigan enthusiast. He lifted the puck off the ice by about four inches, carried it from the corner like a toddler with a juice box, and somehow scored. Mallery, standing beside him in a Rush Hour jersey, calmly said “Ole!” and allowed him to pass — proving teammates are thicker than puck-stopping.
From there, it was a parade of Drug Mule goals:
- Ryan Lewis added another.
- Junior found the net while most of the Cones were already shaking hands.
- Jake finished the night with two, because why not?
Final Notes:
- Shout out to Jaiden, sidelined but still showing up like a true team player. Scorekeeping, cheering, and acting as the impartial judge we never expected him to be. Rumors are he even cracked a smile.
- Mallery gets a D+ for defensive effort, but an A for drama.
- Gilbert was last seen carrying the entire Cone offense on his back while asking if BVV’s sabbatical was open for enrollment.
Final Score:
Drug Mules 7 – Traffic Cones 3
Mules secure the W. Cones secure… a group therapy session.
Game 2
Rush Hour (I-35) – 8
Traffic Cones (Loop 1604) – 3
“You either die a hero, or live long enough to see Dixon score.”
After a brutal first game, the Traffic Cones were left battered, bruised, and asking the age-old question: Is this worth the gas money to get here to play tonight? Spoiler alert: It wasn’t.
Emergency Recruitment (Again)
Still scraping the bottom of the attendance barrel, Andrew Minerd found himself once again forced to accept outside help. Enter Ryan Lewis, the same man who literally drove him to a penalty the game before. But in the true spirit of SARHL forgiveness (which lasts about 37 minutes), the two hugged it out, shared a Capri Sun, and moved on like nothing happened. We even got the reunion on video:
Across the rink, Rush Hour looked like an actual team. Two full lines. Players warming up. It was suspicious. Possibly a trap. But no, it was real.
1st Period: A Mirage
The Cones actually scored first. And second.
- Ryan Lewis tallied the first goal, assisted by Ray Salvano, who has quietly been collecting helpers while contributing roughly the same energy as a sloth on Ambien.
- Moments later, Gilbert scored off a pass from Minerd, who looked surprised his team still had puck possession that deep into a shift.
2-0 Cones. The bench was fired up. Mallery clapped enthusiastically for some reason. Maybe he forgot he was no longer playing for the Cones? Or maybe he was just happy for them. For a brief moment, it looked like maybe, just maybe, this was going to be the game the Cones turned it around.
Then, Neil Lewis shattered that dream with a lazer from 150 feet away that clipped a stick, bounced twice, confused Greg Artzberger, and trickled in. The real story here? Felipe got the assist. The scoreboard even flashed “Xbox Achievement Unlocked – Goalie Assist.”
That goal spelled the end of the night for the Cones.
2nd Period: The Spiral
Rush Hour, remembering that they weren’t the Cones, went on a tear:
- Neil tied it up off a dish from Dixon, which was shocking enough, but then—
- Penn scored an unassisted goal because he realized the Cones were playing defense like they were in quicksand.
- Then Dixon himself scored from an angle so stupid no one in their right mind would shoot from there. But he did. And it went in. And he smiled. And it was gross.
Score: 4-2. And with that, the Cones’ remaining morale packed its bags and left the building.
3rd Period: Just End It
The Cones did try to make it interesting, with Casella scoring off another Minerd helper, proving that some semblance of chemistry still exists on this mess of a team.
But Rush Hour had seen enough:
- Jake scored (ho-hum).
- Penn added two more late ones, both from passes by Jake, who was doing his best impression of a playmaker while rubbing it in.
Final Score: Rush Hour 8 – Traffic Cones 3
Final Notes:
- Dixon scoring from a point even NASA wouldn’t have calculated? Check.
- Felipe getting on the scoresheet and instantly demanding a new contract? Check.
- Artzberger, who looked like he was reading War and Peace in net, probably thought half the game was a fever dream.
Shoutout to Jaiden, who once again put on the zebra stripes from the scorekeeper’s desk despite being sidelined, and managed to do what few can — be fair, balanced, and silently judgmental. A true hero.
Next week: Rumors suggest some players might even RSVP “Yes” ahead of time. We’re not holding our breath.