Game 1 – Legendary Stoners vs. Dignowity Gentrification
In the most Stoners fashion possible, they put together another low-energy, low-event, low-anything win, knocking off Dignowity Gentrification 4-2 in a game that might as well have been scored on a potato. That said, this one wasn’t without drama—just not the kind that came from the hockey itself.
Final Score:
Legendary Stoners 4, Dignowity Gentrification 2
Goal Scorers for Legendary Stoners:
- Zack Merullo (x2) – Got two and didn’t even have to file a scorekeeper complaint this time
- David Narvaiz (x1) – Picking up steam now that he’s got the taste for goals
- Ryan Lewis (x1) – Doing what he always does: contribute quietly, but effectively
Goal Scorers for Dignowity Gentrification:
- Andrew Minerd (x2) – Scored both goals and carried the team (again), probably while yelling at everyone to change faster
Game Notes:
Greg’s Magnesia Misadventure
Of the two goalies expected to play, only Felipe Rodriguez showed up on time. Greg Artzberger was reportedly stuck in line at Walgreens buying Milk of Magnesia, which, while hilarious, raised a few eyebrows. With the game ready to go and no goalie for the Stoners, Dignowity’s Mike Mallery casually informed Felipe he could pick which team to play for—and to everyone’s surprise, Felipe chose the challenge and suited up for Dignowity.
Classic Stoners Hockey: Slow, Steady, and Boring as Ever
With Felipe bailing them out, you’d think Dignowity might have found a spark. But no. Zack and David got the Stoners on the board early, and by then, most of Dignowity’s bench was winded from their first shift. The game hit that familiar Stoners rhythm—slow, sleepy, and effective.
BVV’s “Officiating” Raises Eyebrows
The controversy came courtesy of Southside Sicario Brian Van Vlymen, who stepped in as ref for this one. His gameplan? Call a penalty on Augie every time someone skated near him. We’re told the logic here was simple: a Dignowity win would’ve complicated the Sicarios’ playoff chances, so BVV took the whistle into his own hands and made sure that wouldn’t happen.
Phantom penalties, sketchy calls, and selective vision? Check, check, and check. It worked—Dignowity’s offense never really got going, and BVVs team stayed above the playoff cutoff. Well played. Well played.
Minerd’s Solo Effort Not Enough
Despite the chaos, Andrew Minerd managed to net two goals, doing everything he could to keep his team alive. But as the Stoners added a second from Zack and a finishing goal by Ryan Lewis, the door officially closed on Dignowity’s playoff hopes.
Final Thoughts:
- The Stoners are back to their usual self: boring but deadly.
- Zack and David continue to quietly rack up points as the league snoozes.
- Felipe played for the wrong team and single-handedly kept Dignowity in the game.
- BVV fully leaned into his villain arc and protected the Sicarios’ playoff chances by becoming the least subtle ref in SARHL history.
- Dignowity is officially eliminated. We’re shocked, stunned, and absolutely not surprised.
One game left for each squad, but for Dignowity, it’s all over but the pizza party. Meanwhile, the Stoners keep chugging toward the playoffs with their same slow, calculated style. And somehow, it’s still working.
Game 2 – Southside Sicarios vs. Waste Management
In a game that felt more like a dress rehearsal for the playoffs, the Southside Sicarios picked up an unnecessary and mildly inconvenient 6-5 overtime win over Waste Management. The game was fast-paced, surprisingly entertaining, and loaded with just enough controversy and emotional subplots to qualify as “classic SARHL.”
Final Score:
Southside Sicarios 6, Waste Management 5 (OT)
Goal Scorers for Waste Management:
- Micah Deary (x5) – Went full cheat code and still didn’t get the win
Goal Scorers for Southside Sicarios:
- Zack Merullo (sub) (x2) – Filling in for Art? Sneaky sneaky
- Brian Van Vlymen (x1) – Assisting and scoring with his new best friend
- Jaiden Hernandez (x1) – Feeding and feeding off of BVV, emotionally and offensively
- Ashton Baggett (x1) – Snuck one in before anyone noticed
- Ryan Lewis (sub) (x1) – Showed up in a Sicarios jersey and remembered how to score
Game Notes:
The Micah Show (Featuring No One Else)
For Waste Management, this was The Micah Deary Show, and no one else showed up for the taping. All five goals came from Micah, who put on a scoring clinic and reminded everyone why you never leave him open… ever. Unfortunately for him, no one else decided to join the party, and Waste Management fell just short. Now we just have to see if this version of Micah shows up for the playoffs, if at all.
Subs Save the Day (and the Game)
The Sicarios? They were carried by a handful of mercenaries, including Zack Merullo filling in for Art the Shark and Ryan Lewis making a guest appearance. Zack scored twice, including the game-winner in overtime, a backhander so soft it might’ve been thrown in slow motion, but it somehow beat Felipe Rodriguez at the near post.
BVV + Jaiden = Bromance Goals
Brian Van Vlymen and Jaiden Hernandez assisted on each other’s goals, and that sparked a new bromance so strong it had Dignowity’s Brandon Popham sulking on the sidelines. Once part of BVV’s emotional support system, Popham now finds himself replaced by Jaiden, who’s leaning hard into this new synergy.
Chin up, Pop—there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Minerd’s Missed Revenge Arc
In what could’ve been a beautiful revenge story, referee Andrew Minerd had a chance to get back at BVV and the Sicarios after last game’s referee sabotage incident. But instead of doling out phantom calls, Minerd kept the whistle mostly holstered, and the game played out cleanly. We’ll call it growth. Or maybe just resignation.
Playoff Picture Set
The Sicarios’ win eliminated Waste Management’s chance at first place, handing the Stoners the regular season crown. Waste Management, thanks to the overtime point, locks in second place. And with both teams already slotted to face each other again in the first game of the playoffs, this game felt less about standings and more about scouting.
Final Thoughts:
- Micah was a one-man army and deserved better.
- Zack has a flair for the dramatic and also for sneaking into lineups when no one’s looking.
- Jaiden and BVV are now a confirmed duo. Popham’s heartbreak is real.
- Minerd took the high road—or maybe he just ran out of energy.
- This game ultimately meant nothing…
The regular season ends after one more week of completely meaningless games with all three playoff teams locked into position. One more week of games and we find ourselves playoffs bound.