Game 1 – Waste Management vs. Dignowity Gentrification
The regular season finale delivered exactly what we expected: absolutely no surprises, absolutely no drama, and absolutely no change in the standings. Waste Management coasted to an easy 8-3 win over a depleted Dignowity squad, who were once again forced to MacGyver their roster just to get the game going.
Final Score:
Waste Management 8, Dignowity Gentrification 3
Goal Scorers for Waste Management:
- Jake Hernandez (x2) – Tried to steal the scoring title, came up just short. Fun.
- Micah Deary (x3) – Could be trouble if this version shows up for the playoffs.
- Ricky Bobby (x3) – May have been sleep-skating. Still scored a hat trick.
Goal Scorers for Dignowity Gentrification:
- Brandon Popham (x2) – Took over team management and scored a couple goals. Coincidence? Maybe.
- Ryan Lewis (sub) (x1) – Answered the call, then probably regretted it.
Game Notes:
Goalie Ghost Protocol
With both Taylor Newton and Greg Artzberger ghosting the games entirely, Dignowity was forced to turn to Captain Andrew Minerd, who suited up in net. When asked about the experience, Minerd simply said, “It could have been worse. We could have had Rick.” Well played.
Snoozer Status: Confirmed
There was no urgency, no stakes, and not even any particularly spicy line changes. The game plodded along with Micah, Jake, and Ricky casually putting up goals while Dignowity’s bench looked like they were counting down the minutes to postgame beers. With Penn still out, allegedly still recovering from something he picked up in Vegas (medically unspecified), Jake couldn’t quite catch the league’s top scorer.
Line Chaos on the Dignowity Bench
With Minerd preoccupied in net, the burden of leadership fell to Mike Mallery, who came in with a plan, a vision, and at least one dry erase marker. That lasted all of ten minutes, when Popham showed up, took one look at the setup, and declared himself line czar. Mallery, likely sensing the futility, handed over the reins and stepped aside.
Popham did score twice, so he’s officially both the hero and the villain, depending on who you ask.
Soul-Sucking Roster Energy
Despite the sub help, including Ryan Lewis and Zack Merullo, the Gentrification offense remained mostly lifeless. It’s unclear if it’s the team’s structure, culture, or simply the soul-draining nature of putting on that jersey, but even proven scorers can’t seem to make magic happen for Dignowity.
Micah’s Exit Music
After the final buzzer, Micah packed up his 1970s boombox, skated off without saying a word, and disappeared into the night. It was equal parts mysterious, iconic, and completely expected. Either way, it was capital ‘L’ Legendary.
Final Thoughts:
- Waste Management finishes second and looks playoff-ready.
- Dignowity ends the season exactly as they started it: improvisingg and losing
- Minerd was a goalie.
- Mallery tried to organize chaos. Popham said “nah.”
- Jake falls just short of the scoring crown. Sizzler stays safe.
- Micah remains the smoothest man in the league. Boombox and all.
Next stop: the playoffs. Waste Management gets a rematch with the Sicarios. Dignowity just gets to go home.
Game 2 – Legendary Stoners vs. Southside Sicarios
In a game that meant absolutely nothing to the standings, both teams showed up and played like it meant… a little more than nothing. The Legendary Stoners rolled to a 5-2 win over the Southside Sicarios, who, despite knowing the result had no bearing on playoff seeding, still played like they were trying to earn bonus points in a rec league fantasy draft.
Final Score:
Legendary Stoners 5, Southside Sicarios 2
Goal Scorers for Legendary Stoners:
- Zack Merullo (x2) – Padded the stats, avoided the ref’s wrath this week
- Ryan Lewis (x1) – Another day, another goal
- Junior Yupanqui (x2) – May have set a personal record for goals in a game this season, or at least remembered how to shoot
Goal Scorers for Southside Sicarios:
- Collin Iacarella (x2) – Carried the offense and then some, while the rest of the squad tried to figure out which sport they were playing
Game Notes:
Minerd in Net, Again
Andrew Minerd got the nod and suited up in net with Taylor Newton and Greg Artzberger playing hookie. With nothing on the line, Captain Jaiden Hernandez decided not to run the full bamboozle, or else we all know he would’ve swapped Minerd into the Stoners’ crease and called in Felipe Rodriguez for his own team. If this game had meant anything, that trade probably happens mid-warmup. Not probably. Definitely.
Instead, Felipe stood tall in net for the Stoners and faced an absurd 36 shots, stopping all but two. It was, as usual, a Felipe Masterclass™, while Minerd did his best to hold back the Stoners’ top line with a borrowed blocker and a faint sense of regret.
The Hero of the Night
While the players battled, the true star of the night was the unnamed referee who also kept score because no one else would. As we scanned the rink for volunteers, we were met with the classic “please don’t pick me” classroom stare—no eye contact, head down, people pretending to tie their skates or check phantom messages on their phone.
So credit where it’s due: you, unknown sir, are a league MVP.
Stoners Stat Padding
Zack and Ryan combined for three goals after sleepwalking through their first game, and Junior finally broke through with two of his own, which may or may not be his first multi-goal performance this season. Outside of that, the rest of the Stoners faded into the background, as they often do, content to let the top guys do the work and coast into the playoffs like it’s their birthright.
Sicarios Out for… Something?
Despite being told several times that this game meant nothing, the Sicarios came out firing like their season depended on it. Maybe it was pride, maybe it was confusion, maybe it was just Jaiden trying to prove a point we still haven’t figured out. Regardless, Collin did his part, scoring both goals and keeping the pressure on Felipe for three full periods. The rest of the team faded into obscurity with mounting frustration.
Final Thoughts:
- The Stoners finish the regular season at 7-1-0 and head into the playoffs as the undisputed kings of slow, boring, effective hockey.
- The Sicarios showed up like it was a playoff preview, but forgot they weren’t actually playing Waste Management yet.
- Felipe remains unshaken, unbothered, and unbeatable when Minerd is in the opposing net.
- The real MVP was the ref/scorekeeper who should never have to do both again. Ever.
With this one in the books, the regular season is officially over. The playoff matchups are set, the rivalries are renewed, and a new season of chaos is just around the corner. Buckle up.