Fast & Furious Sweeps the Night, Although “Convincingly” Will Not Appear Anywhere in This Article
Two games. Two wins.
That’s the important part for Fast & Furious.
Everything else can probably be thrown away.
F&F survived Fear & Loathing 5-4 in overtime before escaping Donnie Darko 7-6 after blowing a 5-1 lead, surrendering five consecutive goals, and then remembering with approximately two minutes remaining that they were supposed to be the good team.
It was less a dominant sweep and more like falling down a flight of stairs and somehow landing on your feet twice.
David Penn was at the center of both victories, which means we’ll now have to deal with him knowing this.
Meanwhile, Fear & Loathing suffered its first loss despite an unexpected offensive explosion from Chuck Gawell, and Donnie Darko dropped to 0-3 after producing one of the greatest comebacks in recent SARHL history only to immediately throw it in the trash.
Let’s get into it.
GAME 1: FAST & FURIOUS 5, FEAR & LOATHING 4 — OT
Penn Ends Undefeated Showdown Because Nobody Thought to Cover Him
The much-anticipated Battle of the Undefeateds actually delivered a competitive hockey game.
We hate when that happens.
There was minimal arguing.
Minimal officiating controversy.
Only one penalty.
Nobody appeared to suffer a complete emotional breakdown.
It was borderline professional.
Fortunately, Chuck Gawell scored eight seconds into the game, so there was at least something ridiculous.
Somebody Found Chuck’s AARP Card
We spent the preseason suggesting Gawell may have returned to Fairchild simply because he misplaced his AARP card somewhere near the rink.
Apparently he was looking for goals.
Chuck needed eight seconds to open his account for the season, immediately putting Fear & Loathing ahead 1-0.
That is three seconds slower than the amount of time BVV needed to score from center last week, but we’re willing to forgive him.
Gawell wasn’t finished.
At 9:26, BVV found Chuck again and the veteran buried his second of the period.
Fear & Loathing led 2-0.
Somewhere, an early-bird dinner reservation went unclaimed.
James Webber Has a Full Name AND Goals Now
Fast & Furious finally responded in the second when James Webber converted a feed from Penn.
This is significant.
Last season, James entered the league as “James W.”
Then we learned his surname.
Now he’s scoring goals.
At this rate, by the end of the season we may know something about his personality.
Fear & Loathing answered on the power play after Neil Lewis was called for holding. Cesar — surname still pending — found BVV for the goal, and F&L carried a 3-1 lead toward the third.
This was beginning to look comfortable.
That was the problem.
Penn Starts the Comeback
Penn scored at 3:27 of the third with an assist credited to sub Nathan Motz.
One minute later, Motz scored himself. Motz may have found himself a team that actually appreciates his efforts.
3-3.
So, to summarize:
Donnie Darko entered the night 0-2.
One of their players helped Fast & Furious erase a two-goal deficit.
Outstanding organizational loyalty.
Junior temporarily restored order at 7:00, finishing a BVV feed to give Fear & Loathing a 4-3 lead.
That lasted less than three minutes.
Webber returned the favor from earlier in the game, feeding Penn for the tying goal at 9:52.
Overtime.
Here’s a Tactical Suggestion
Do not give Penn a clean breakaway in overtime.
We’re not hockey coaches.
We’re not claiming to possess sophisticated tactical knowledge.
But generally speaking, allowing Penn to skate completely alone toward your goalie during sudden death is considered suboptimal.
At 1:47, Motz sprung Penn.
Penn finished.
Game over.
Fast & Furious remained undefeated.
Fear & Loathing did not.
Scoring Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Goal Scorer | Assist(s) | Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 00:08 | Fear & Loathing | Gawell, Chuck | Unassisted | F&L 1-0 |
| 1 | 09:26 | Fear & Loathing | Gawell, Chuck | Van Vlymen, Brian | F&L 2-0 |
| 2 | 03:20 | Fast & Furious | Webber, James | Penn, David | F&L 2-1 |
| 2 | 09:52 | Fear & Loathing | Van Vlymen, Brian (PP) | Cesar | F&L 3-1 |
| 3 | 03:27 | Fast & Furious | Penn, David | Motz, Nathan | F&L 3-2 |
| 3 | 04:27 | Fast & Furious | Motz, Nathan | Unassisted | 3-3 |
| 3 | 07:00 | Fear & Loathing | Yupanqui, Junior | Van Vlymen, Brian | F&L 4-3 |
| 3 | 09:52 | Fast & Furious | Penn, David | Webber, James | 4-4 |
| OT | 01:47 | Fast & Furious | Penn, David | Motz, Nathan | F&F 5-4 |
Penalty Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Player | Infraction | PIM |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2 | 08:15 | Fast & Furious | Lewis, Neil | Holding | 2:00 |
By the Numbers
3 — Goals for David Penn, including the overtime winner.
2 — Goals for Chuck Gawell, whose preseason obituary may have been premature.
3 — Points for BVV.
3 — Points for Nathan Motz while moonlighting for a team he doesn’t play for.
1 — Penalty in the entire game.
0 — Significant arguments about that penalty.
1:47 — Amount of overtime Fear & Loathing survived before deciding Penn deserved an unobstructed view of Greg Artzberger.
100% — Estimated chance Penn will remember this breakaway every time he sees anyone from Fear & Loathing.
GAME 2: FAST & FURIOUS 7, DONNIE DARKO 6
Donnie Darko Finally Figures It Out, Then Immediately Forgets Again
This game had everything required for a classic SARHL comeback.
A 5-1 deficit.
Five unanswered goals.
Two Mike Mallery goals.
A 6-5 lead.
Momentum completely flipped.
An opponent spiritually devastated.
Then Donnie Darko lost.
Of course they did.
Without captain Andrew Minerd and Ricky Dominguez, DD finally tested our Week 2 hypothesis:
Would fewer players make Donnie Darko better?
For approximately ten minutes, the answer was overwhelmingly yes.
Then nobody was around to tell them how to finish.
The Scoresheet Returns to the Dark Ages
Junior Yupanqui handled scorekeeping.
We appreciate Junior volunteering.
We do.
But apparently periods and times are premium features.
We received goals.
We received assists.
We received what appears to be a scoring order.
That’s enough.
We’re reconstructing the rest like archaeologists studying fragments of an ancient civilization.
Fast & Furious Builds a 5-1 Lead
Penn scored.
Then Austin Something or Other scored.
Welcome to SARHL, Austin.
We assume.
Maybe he’s been here for years.
Cesar joined F&F as as a sub and scored. Clearly, everyone not on the F&F roster actually plays better when subbing for F&F.
Ray Ortega scored.
James Webber scored.
Suddenly it was 5-1.
The game appeared over.
Donnie Darko was headed toward 0-3.
Fast & Furious was cruising toward a sweep.
Even with a goal from Mallery, DD seemed DDoomed.
The Curse Doubles
One Mallery goal is psychologically devastating.
Two should be grounds for immediate forfeiture.
Mallery opened DD’s scoring unassisted before later adding another from Martin Wojnar.
Penn watched this happen and remained calm.
He’s been around too long.
He understands the Mallery Effect.
Don’t panic.
Don’t make eye contact.
Don’t acknowledge what happened.
Continue playing.
Unfortunately, his teammates weren’t quite as prepared.
Nathan Motz scored.
Mallery scored his second.
Ryan Lewis scored.
Motz scored again.
Then Motz completed the hat trick.
Five consecutive Donnie Darko goals.
A 5-1 Fast & Furious lead became a 6-5 Donnie Darko lead.
This should have been the story.
The winless preseason favorites, missing their captain, storm back from four goals down to earn their first victory.
Beautiful.
Inspiring.
Completely unacceptable in this league.
Who’s Driving This Thing?
Minerd wasn’t there.
Dominguez wasn’t there.
DD had completed the hard part.
All they needed to do was protect a one-goal lead for approximately two minutes.
Instead, everyone apparently looked around and realized nobody knew who was supposed to be in charge.
Someone suggested Auggie captain this boat, but he chuckled and started a fight with nobody in the corner.
While that was going on. Fast & Furious tied it.
Then they scored again.
Seven-six.
Done.
Five unanswered goals erased.
Two Mallery goals wasted.
Motz’s hat trick wasted.
First victory wasted.
Donnie Darko fell to 0-3.
Somewhere, Andrew Minerd probably felt a disturbance in the Force without knowing why. Turns out it was just gas.
The Referee Communication System
BVV handled officiating duties.
There was one minor complication.
At the end of periods, players needed to alert him that time had expired.
This involved considerable shouting.
The obvious joke writes itself.
We’re exercising tremendous restraint.
Mostly.
Eventually somebody successfully communicated that the period was over, which means the system technically worked.
League officials have already rejected proposals involving flashing lights, hand signals, or simply assigning an assistant to skate two feet behind BVV and tug on his shirt to let him know important things are happening.
That would be too easy.
Scoring Summary
Exact periods and times were sacrificed to Junior’s ongoing war against numbers.
Fast & Furious
| Order | Goal Scorer | Assist(s) |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Penn, David | Unassisted |
| 2 | Austin Something or Other | Penn, David |
| 3 | Cesar | Penn, David |
| 4 | Ortega, Ray | Austin Something or Other |
| 5 | Webber, James | Penn, David |
| 6 | Webber, James | Cesar |
| 7 | Ortega, Ray | Unassisted |
Donnie Darko
| Order | Goal Scorer | Assist(s) |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Mallery, Mike | Unassisted |
| 2 | Motz, Nathan | Unassisted |
| 3 | Mallery, Mike | Wojnar, Martin |
| 4 | Lewis, Ryan | Unassisted |
| 5 | Motz, Nathan | Unassisted |
| 6 | Motz, Nathan | Unassisted |
Penalty Summary
None documented.
Whether that means none occurred or Junior simply declined to interact with another section of the scoresheet is unknowable.
By the Numbers
5-1 — Fast & Furious’ lead before things became hilarious.
5 — Consecutive goals scored by Donnie Darko.
6-5 — DD’s lead after completing the comeback.
2 — Goals scored by Mike Mallery.
1 — Goal normally required from Mallery to spiritually destroy an opponent.
2x — Recommended dosage administered to Fast & Furious.
3 — Goals for Nathan Motz.
4 — Points for David Penn: one goal and three assists.
2 — Goals for James Webber.
2 — Goals for Ray Ortega.
Approximately 2 minutes — Time Donnie Darko needed to protect its first victory.
0 — Victories Donnie Darko currently possesses.
AROUND THE RINK
We Have a Name Problem Again
Cesar still doesn’t have a surname.
Now we have Austin Something or Other.
Last season James Webber spent weeks trapped as James W.
This season appears committed to maintaining the tradition.
Our official player database currently looks like a witness-protection roster.
Nathan Motz: Free Agent Apparently
Motz began the evening as a Donnie Darko player.
He then helped Fast & Furious beat Fear & Loathing with a goal and two assists.
Then he returned to Donnie Darko and scored a hat trick against Fast & Furious.
That’s six points while actively helping two opposing teams.
Nathan didn’t play a doubleheader.
He played both sides of an argument.
Ray Spares Mallery
With seconds left, DD pulled their goalie and Mallery jumped out as the extra skater. Taking his position in front of the goal, the faceoff went to F&F’s Ray Ortega who immediately wound up for a slapshot as he demanded that empty net goal on his stat line.
Mallery stood stoic as a deer in headlights.
This could have gone two ways.
Ortega took pity and dumped the puck harmlessly in the corner.
What a letdown.
Chuck Lives
Two goals for Gawell.
We spent the preseason making AARP jokes.
Chuck responded by scoring eight seconds into his first documented appearance.
Fair.
We’ll continue making them.
Scorekeeping Report
Game 1: Useful information.
Game 2: Junior.
That tracks.
THREE STARS OF THE NIGHT
First Star — David Penn, Fast & Furious
Four goals and four assists across the doubleheader, including an overtime winner and a major role in both comeback victories.
Worst possible outcome for the rest of us.
He’s going to be insufferable.
Second Star — Nathan Motz, Whoever Needed Him
One goal and two assists helping F&F win Game 1.
Three goals while nearly helping DD beat F&F in Game 2.
Six points.
Two teams.
One evening.
Absolutely shameless.
Third Star — James Webber, Fast & Furious
Three goals and an assist across the doubleheader.
James W. has evolved.
We’re witnessing character development.
Honorable Mention — Brian Van Vlymen
A goal and two assists in Game 1 followed by officiating Game 2 through what can only be described as a highly inefficient notification system.
Special Recognition — Mike Mallery
One goal is bad.
Two is outlandish.
F&F should feel shame.
FINAL THOUGHT
Fast & Furious is 3-0.
Donnie Darko is 0-3.
We predicted Donnie Darko first and Fast & Furious second, so naturally we’re taking full credit for being almost completely wrong.
Fear & Loathing remains quietly competent.
Chuck Gawell apparently drank from the Fountain of Youth.
James Webber is becoming an actual scoring threat.
Nathan Motz has abandoned the concept of team loyalty.
The Jaiden/Junior experiment is over. This makes us sad.
And Donnie Darko staged a five-goal comeback only to lose in the final two minutes because apparently Andrew Minerd taking one Sunday off is enough to collapse the entire command structure.
Two weeks down.
Our preseason analysis is already worthless.
Perfect.