Somebody’s Leaving with their first loss. Donnie Darko Would Just Like to Leave With a Win.
One week.
That’s how long it took for our preseason predictions to become completely useless.
Fast & Furious and Fear & Loathing enter Week 2 undefeated, exactly as nobody predicted, while preseason favorite Donnie Darko sits at 0-2 after discovering that perfect attendance isn’t nearly as useful as everyone assumed.
This week, Fast & Furious gets doubleheader duty.
First comes the early-season heavyweight battle with Fear & Loathing.
Then comes Donnie Darko.
And DD is already missing captain Andrew Minerd and one of its best players from Week 1, Ricky Dominguez.
Perfect.
GAME 1
FAST & FURIOUS vs. FEAR & LOATHING
Two Undefeated Teams Enter. We Immediately Regret Calling Either One Good.
It’s the matchup everyone has been waiting seven entire days for.
The league’s only undefeated teams meet with first place supremacy hanging in the balance.
Fast & Furious arrives after dismantling a full-strength Donnie Darko roster 5-2 with only six skaters.
Fear & Loathing enters after overcoming a 2-0 deficit and holding off DD 5-4.
One team looked organized.
The other had to rely on Brian Van Vlymen scoring from center because Felipe may have been asleep at wheel.
Both count equally in the standings.
The Penn Machine
David Penn’s opening-night performance should concern the rest of the league.
Two goals.
One assist.
One win.
And, most dangerously, evidence supporting Penn’s belief that David Penn knows what David Penn is doing.
That’s how these things start.
Travis Laveault added two goals while Kevin Shanahan scored another. Ian Chase contributed an assist. Neil Lewis presumably did several responsible things nobody bothered recording.
It was exactly the kind of balanced performance Penn wants.
Which means he’s going to change something.
Jacob Hernandez wasn’t even there for Week 1, denying Penn access to his emotional-support forward.
Ray Ortega was absent.
James Webber was absent.
Fast & Furious beat DD without several regulars.
If those players return this week, F&F theoretically gets better on paper.
Then again, Donnie Darko taught us exactly how dangerous “more players equals better” logic can be.
Fear & Loathing Has Already Become Fear & Loathing
The good news for F&L is that BVV apparently remembered his alarm clock.
The better news is that he immediately produced three points.
The bad news is that we now expect him to do it again.
BVV’s opening-night performance was exactly what Fear & Loathing needs: direct offense from somebody capable of turning a harmless possession at center into a goal because skating another 20 feet seemed unnecessarily strenuous.
Popham also contributed a goal and an assist while maintaining his usual background level of irritation.
Then there’s Adam Dixon.
Dixon scored twice.
The entire Donnie Darko roster quickly exited the rink after the third period in utter shame.
And Then There Are the Captains
Junior and Jaiden survived Week 1 against our predictions algorithms. Maybe it was because Jaiden missed the game. We’re not speculating on this one yet.
Matchup Nobody Asked For
David Penn vs. Junior Yupanqui
Two captains.
Two strong opinions.
Two men completely capable of responding to a simple hockey mistake with a TED Talk in two completely different languages.
The actual game may finish before the postgame explanation.
Player to Watch
Jacob Hernandez
Assuming Jake appears, Penn finally gets his binky back.
We’re expecting immediate improvement in Penn’s general disposition.
We’re expecting Jake to attempt at least one Michigan while all 3 defenders hover around Penn.
Completely Unreliable Prediction
Fear & Loathing has more offensive chaos.
Fast & Furious has more structure.
Normally we’d take structure.
This isn’t a normal league.
Fear & Loathing 6, Fast & Furious 5
Probably overtime.
Because if we’re going to call this an undefeated heavyweight showdown, it should at least inconvenience everyone by running long.
GAME 2
FAST & FURIOUS vs. DONNIE DARKO
Donnie Darko Tests Radical New Strategy: Fewer Players
Here’s where things get interesting.
Donnie Darko entered Week 1 with every player on the roster.
Three full lines.
They lost twice.
Week 2 hasn’t even started and we already know Andrew Minerd (hurt feelings) and Ricky Dominguez (inflated sense of self worth) are out.
That means DD will have fewer players.
Based entirely on our one-week sample size, this should make them substantially better.
No Captain, No Ricky, No Problem?
Losing Minerd matters.
He’s DD’s captain, one of its more dependable offensive players, and the person most likely to bring a calm over the Hulk-like rage of Augie.
Without Andrew, leadership becomes an interesting question.
Who takes over? Does anyone on this team step up or does DD just let the loudest person at the moment dictate the team’s path?
The bigger on-ice loss may be Dominguez.
Ricky had an excellent return in Week 1, contributing to both DD goals in Game 1 and scoring twice in Game 2.
He and Reuben Lima were essentially the Donnie Darko offense.
Now half of that partnership is gone.
Lima enters Week 2 carrying the uncomfortable burden of expectations. DD is hoping Motz and Lewis can step up and lighten the load.
Time for the Rest of Donnie Darko to Report for Duty
Nathan Motz picked up two assists in Game 2.
David Narvaiz was quiet.
Ryan Lewis was quiet.
Augie was quiet.
Erik Hillskemper confirmed he wasn’t a Viking, which was personally devastating but did little for the standings.
Donnie Darko has too much talent to stay winless forever.
Probably.
The concern is that “too much talent” was also our reasoning for ranking them first.
We’ve stopped trusting ourselves.
Fast & Furious Gets the Fatigue Test
Game 2 will be F&F’s first experience with the doubleheader, though the temperatures are looking to be quite a bit lower.
Now we’ll find out whether their Week 1 efficiency survives tired legs.
A short bench helped them establish rhythm against DD.
A short bench after already playing Fear & Loathing isn’t going to help.
Penn will almost certainly increase his own ice time as the evening progresses.
Jake will mysteriously follow.
Shanahan will announce that everything is unfolding according to plan.
Ray Ortega, if present, will become increasingly hostile towards the opposing team, the officiating, his teammates, the puck, the surface and potentially the concept of Sunday. We’re here for it!
By the third period, this may become less about hockey and more about who remains willing to move.
Matchup Nobody Asked For
Mike Mallery vs. Personal Defensive Responsibility
Andrew isn’t there.
You’re on your own, Mallery.
Player to Watch
David Narvaiz
DD needs somebody beyond Lima to start producing, and Narvaiz has historically been perfectly capable of scoring in bunches.
This feels like the week he wakes up.
Or he won’t.
Again, we’ve abandoned accountability for these predictions.
Completely Unreliable Prediction
Fast & Furious will be tired.
Donnie Darko will be shorthanded.
For any other league, we’d carefully weigh those factors.
For SARHL, we’re taking the funniest possible outcome.
Donnie Darko 6, Fast & Furious 4
Yes.
We’re picking the 0-2 team missing its captain and one of its leading scorers to beat the undefeated team.
Why?
Because DD having fewer players suddenly resulting in its first victory would perfectly validate our Subtraction by Addition theory.
And we desperately want that to happen.
THINGS WE’RE WATCHING
Can Fear & Loathing Handle Success?
They’re 1-0.
This is already dangerously close to confidence.
Junior with confidence is one thing.
Jaiden with confidence he had no part in earning is another.
Both simultaneously may require adult supervision.
Does Penn do the Unthinkable and Not Slot Jake Into His Line?
No.
Next question.
Who Captains Donnie Darko?
There are several reasonable choices.
Therefore, we predict the team votes Mallery to take that burden by way of all shouting “Not it!” while touching their noses. This league is so childish.
Will BVV Show Up Two Consecutive Weeks?
We’re not comfortable setting expectations this high.
Can Dixon Score Off Another Faceoff?
At this point, we’re actively rooting for it just to see how many times this can happen before someone adjusts.
Who is AJ?
Either the SARHL isn’t ready to know AJ or AJ isn’t ready to know the SARHL.
FINAL WORD
Week 2 starts with the league’s only undefeated teams fighting for early control of the standings.
Then Fast & Furious has to drag whatever remains of itself into Game 2 against an 0-2 Donnie Darko team missing its captain and one of its best Week 1 performers.
On paper, Fast & Furious should have an excellent chance to sweep.
Fear & Loathing should remain dangerous.
Donnie Darko is always in trouble.
Which means absolutely none of those things will happen.