Donnie Darko Discovers That Having Everybody Show Up Was Apparently the Problem
The new SARHL season began with optimism, excitement, several returning faces, and the traditional realization that nobody remembered how any of this was supposed to work.
Donnie Darko drew the opening-night doubleheader and arrived with something rarely seen in this league:
The entire roster.
Every player.
Three full lines.
Fresh legs.
Depth everywhere.
They lost both games.
This is important because we’ve spent years blaming losses on missing players, short benches, substitutes, fatigue and whatever other excuses were conveniently available.
Andrew Minerd finally got everybody to show up and discovered the horrifying truth:
Maybe fewer people was better.
Donnie Darko finished opening night 0-2 after falling 5-2 to a short-handed Fast & Furious squad before blowing a two-goal lead and losing 5-4 to Fear & Loathing.
Worse, reports indicate that DD’s only productive line spent portions of the evening bickering amongst themselves.
Nothing builds chemistry quite like scoring all the goals while simultaneously deciding you hate each other.
Welcome back to the SARHL.
GAME 1
FAST & FURIOUS 5, DONNIE DARKO 2
Six Guys Beat an Entire Hockey Team
We’d love to explain exactly how this game unfolded.
We cannot.
The scorekeeper apparently approached opening night with the same enthusiasm normally reserved for filling out tax forms.
No periods.
No times.
Barely any shot totals.
We received names of goal scorers, some assists and a final score.
That’s it.
This isn’t a scoresheet.
It’s an oral history.
What we do know is that Donnie Darko rolled three complete lines against a Fast & Furious roster consisting of David Penn, Ian Chase, Kevin Shanahan, Matt Gilbert, Neil Lewis and Travis Laveault.
Six skaters.
That’s generally where we’d start explaining how fatigue eventually caught up with F&F.
It apparently did not.
Instead, DD spent the evening cycling fresh bodies over the boards while accomplishing progressively less.
Ricky Dominguez scored Donnie Darko’s first goal of the season, immediately validating Andrew Minerd’s decision to bring him back as a skater.
Reuben Lima added another off a Dominguez assist, giving DD two goals from two returning players.
Everyone else contributed moral support.
Fast & Furious, meanwhile, received two goals from Penn and two from Laveault.
Kevin Shanahan also scored, with the scoresheet crediting an assist to what appears to be either an unidentified player, a medical abbreviation or the desperate final scribblings of someone trapped on a deserted island.
We’ve awarded Shanahan an unassisted goal.
Congratulations, Kevin.
You’ve earned it through illegibility.
Penn Starts Penn-ing Early
Penn opened his captaincy by doing exactly what Penn normally does: producing offense while presumably wondering why everyone else isn’t doing exactly what he told them.
His two goals and an assist accounted for three of F&F’s five goals.
Laveault quietly scored twice because Travis continues developing the deeply inconvenient habit of being useful without providing us anything embarrassing to discuss.
We’ll work on that.
The larger surprise was Fast & Furious controlling the game despite being significantly outnumbered.
DD’s three-line rotation never developed rhythm.
One shift would end, five different people would discuss what should happen next, another line would jump out, and by the time everyone figured out who was playing with whom, Taylor Newton had already settled comfortably into his crease.
Three lines sounded like an advantage.
Instead, it became organized shift work.
The Goaltending Was… Goaltending
Felipe Rodriguez handled the Donnie Darko net while Taylor Newton started for Fast & Furious.
Both were fine.
That’s it.
Neither stole the game.
Neither destroyed his team.
Neither did anything worthy of an extended rant.
Frankly, we’re disappointed in both of them.
Taylor stopped enough of whatever DD generated, while Felipe surrendered five behind a team that apparently believed having three lines meant defense would simply occur naturally.
Officiating Takes Opening Night Off
Brandon Popham handled officiating duties and immediately established his philosophy:
Why stop the game?
Puck leaves the rink and flies toward the pickleball courts?
Play on.
Something resembling a penalty occurs?
That’s between you and your God.
The whistle remained largely ceremonial.
There were no recorded penalties, which should absolutely not be interpreted as there having been no penalties.
Popham simply decided paperwork was worse.
Game 1 Scoring Summary
Donnie Darko
| Goal Scorer | Assist(s) |
|---|---|
| Ricky Dominguez | None |
| Reuben Lima | Ricky Dominguez |
Fast & Furious
| Goal Scorer | Assist(s) |
|---|---|
| David Penn | Ian Chase |
| Kevin Shanahan | Unassisted* |
| Travis Laveault | David Penn |
| Travis Laveault | None |
| David Penn | None |
*Something was written in the assist column. Nobody knows what it says. History has chosen “unassisted.”
Penalty Summary
None recorded.
This reflects Popham’s relationship with his whistle more than the actual conduct of the players.
By the Numbers
9 — Donnie Darko skaters in attendance.
6 — Fast & Furious skaters in attendance.
3 — Full lines available to DD.
0 — Advantages apparently created by having three full lines.
4 — Combined goals from Penn and Laveault.
2 — DD goals, both involving returning players Ricky Dominguez and Reuben Lima.
Approximately some — Shots on goal. Hash marks exist. Their relationship with reality remains unclear.
0 — Times or periods recorded for goals.
1 — Opening-night scoresheet already making us question why we bother.
Final Assessment
Donnie Darko entered the season as our completely unscientific preseason No. 1.
They promptly lost to six guys.
Excellent.
Fast & Furious, meanwhile, demonstrated that Penn may actually have constructed a functional hockey team.
That’s concerning.
We’ll need them to do something stupid soon.
GAME 2
FEAR & LOATHING 5, DONNIE DARKO 4
Felipe Takes a Nap, BVV Finds Center Ice Surprisingly Close Enough
Game 2 started with a miracle.
Someone filled out the scoresheet.
Periods.
Times.
Goals.
Assists.
Legible information.
Special recognition belongs to Mrs. Augie, whose performance immediately makes her an early candidate for Scorekeeper of the Year.
Unfortunately, the actual hockey was considerably less inspiring.
Donnie Darko entered the second half of its doubleheader still searching for its first win and appeared to have found it early.
Reuben Lima scored at 1:53 of the first before Ricky Dominguez added another late in the period off a Nathan Motz feed.
DD carried a 2-0 lead into the break.
Everything looked fine.
Then the second period started.
Six seconds later, everything was stupid.
The Shot Heard From Several Feet Away
Brian Van Vlymen took the puck around center and apparently decided that skating closer to the goal was unnecessary.
He shot.
Felipe Rodriguez presumably became aware of this shortly after the puck entered the net.
Six seconds into the period, Fear & Loathing had life.
We’re hanging this one on Felipe.
There are goals where the defense breaks down.
There are screened shots.
There are deflections.
There are brilliant individual efforts.
And then there are shots from center that go in because your goalie appears to be mentally reviewing his grocery list.
BVV apparently saw weakness.
One minute and 47 seconds later, he scored again.
A comfortable 2-0 DD lead had disappeared in less time than it takes Jaiden to explain why something wasn’t his fault.
BVV later assisted on Brandon Popham’s goal at 10:43, giving Fear & Loathing a 3-2 lead entering the third.
Popham Remains Popham
We don’t have much to say about Brandon Popham except that he was annoying.
This is not an incomplete note.
This is a comprehensive scouting report.
He scored.
He assisted.
He existed in everyone’s general vicinity.
By all available metrics, peak Popham.
Adam Dixon Has Discovered an Exploit
Forty-two seconds into the third period, Adam Dixon scored off of a faceoff.
Dixon scoring directly off offensive-zone faceoffs has become enough of a recurring event that opposing centers may want to begin studying film.
There isn’t complicated film.
It’s Adam Dixon standing there.
He’s going to shoot as the puck hits the ground.
Tie him up. Hit his stick. Give him a cup check.
Do literally anything.
Instead, opposing centers continue reacting like they’ve encountered a previously unknown hockey strategy.
Dixon’s second made it 5-2, and this game appeared finished.
Donnie Darko Remembers the Game Isn’t Over
DD finally woke back up late.
Lima scored his second of the night at 10:46 from Minerd.
Fifty seconds later, Dominguez scored his second off another Motz assist.
Suddenly it was 5-4 with 24 seconds remaining.
Fear & Loathing, having spent much of the third comfortably ahead, was forced to briefly acknowledge the possibility of consequences.
DD couldn’t find the equalizer.
The horn sounded.
Fear & Loathing escaped with the win.
Donnie Darko completed its opening-night doubleheader 0-2 despite dressing its entire roster.
Meanwhile, an Important Investigation Concludes
We finally saw Erik Hillskemper.
He is not a Viking.
This is disappointing.
Months of editorial research have been invalidated.
No horned helmet.
No longship.
No axe.
Nothing.
Just some guy playing hockey.
We apologize to nobody.
The Viking narrative will be retired until further evidence emerges.
Game 2 Scoring Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Goal Scorer | Assist(s) | Score |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 01:53 | Donnie Darko | Lima, Reuben | None | DD 1-0 |
| 1 | 10:19 | Donnie Darko | Dominguez, Ricky | Motz, Nathan | DD 2-0 |
| 2 | 00:06 | Fear & Loathing | Van Vlymen, Brian | None | DD 2-1 |
| 2 | 01:53 | Fear & Loathing | Van Vlymen, Brian | None | 2-2 |
| 2 | 10:43 | Fear & Loathing | Popham, Brandon | Van Vlymen, Brian | F&L 3-2 |
| 3 | 00:42 | Fear & Loathing | Dixon, Adam | None | F&L 4-2 |
| 3 | 07:24 | Fear & Loathing | Dixon, Adam | Popham, Brandon; Yupanqui, Junior | F&L 5-2 |
| 3 | 10:46 | Donnie Darko | Lima, Reuben | Minerd, Andrew | F&L 5-3 |
| 3 | 11:36 | Donnie Darko | Dominguez, Ricky | Motz, Nathan | F&L 5-4 |
Penalty Summary
None.
Apparently everyone behaved.
We don’t believe that either.
By the Numbers
0:06 — Time BVV needed in the second period to beat Felipe from somewhere in the same ZIP code.
1:47 — Time between BVV’s two second-period goals.
3 — Points for BVV: two goals and an assist.
2 — Goals each for Adam Dixon, Reuben Lima and Ricky Dominguez.
2 — Assists for Nathan Motz.
2-0 — DD’s lead after the first.
5-2 — F&L’s lead midway through the third.
24 seconds — Time remaining after DD suddenly decided it wanted to win.
0 — Vikings confirmed on Donnie Darko’s roster.
AROUND THE RINK
Attendance Report
Opening-night attendance could not be officially determined.
Several pickleball players passed nearby.
A few people may have looked over.
The cemetery remained at capacity.
League officials are calling it a sellout.
Full House, Empty Results
Donnie Darko was the only team with its complete roster.
They were also the only team to lose twice.
Minerd spent the offseason assembling depth only to discover that perhaps chemistry is easier when you don’t need a spreadsheet to determine the next line.
Reports of infighting among DD’s productive players only make things better.
Nothing says “team building” like the only people scoring goals being annoyed with one another.
Fast & Furious: Efficiently Understaffed
Penn brought six skaters.
They won by three.
No notes.
Fear & Loathing’s New Guys Survive
AJ made his SARHL debut.
We still don’t have his last name.
For now, he’s entering the James Webber Memorial First-Name-Only Program.
Unlike James, AJ should understand that obtaining a surname may take several weeks.
Goalie Watch
Felipe: Two games, two losses, one center-ice goal we’re absolutely blaming on him.
Taylor: Two games, two wins.
We could perform deeper statistical analysis.
We won’t.
THREE STARS OF THE NIGHT
First Star — Brian Van Vlymen, Fear & Loathing
Two goals and an assist, including the center-ice wake-up call that completely changed Game 2.
He showed up.
He scored.
That’s already exceeding several preseason expectations.
Second Star — David Penn, Fast & Furious
Two goals and an assist while captaining six skaters to a comfortable win over a full Donnie Darko roster.
His ego absolutely did not need this.
Third Star — Reuben Lima, Donnie Darko
Three goals across the doubleheader after returning to the league.
We spent the preseason admitting we couldn’t remember what he brought to the table.
Apparently goals.
Our mistake.
Honorable Mention: Ricky Dominguez
Three points in Game 1 and two more goals in Game 2. The transition back to skater appears successful.
Special Recognition: Mrs. Augie
Filled out the scoresheet.
All of it.
Standards have fallen so far that this may have been the most impressive performance of opening night.
FINAL THOUGHT
We predicted Donnie Darko to finish first.
They immediately went 0-2 with their entire roster present.
Fast & Furious showed up short and won comfortably.
Fear & Loathing put Junior and Jaiden on the same team and somehow nothing exploded. It might help that Jaiden was inexplicably absent.
BVV scored from center.
Adam Dixon continues exploiting the apparently revolutionary concept of shooting directly off a faceoff.
Popham has already abandoned his whistle.
And Erik Hillskemper isn’t a Viking.
Almost everything we believed one week ago is already wrong.
This season has tremendous potential.