Fear & Loathing Splits the Doubleheader, Donnie Darko Finds Another Way to Lose, and Apparently 100 Shots Happened
Week 3 has concluded, and we learned several important things.
Donnie Darko can score six goals and still lose.
Fear & Loathing can score eight goals twice and somehow only win once.
Fast & Furious can apparently survive anything.
Brandon Condor has returned from nearly a decade in hockey exile and immediately started producing.
Mike Mallery has now scored in consecutive weeks, indicating something may be seriously wrong with the universe.
And Mrs. Augie believes goalies deserve substantially more statistical recognition than they’ve been receiving.
Fear & Loathing finished its doubleheader with a split, beating Donnie Darko 8-6 before losing an absurd 9-8 game to undefeated Fast & Furious.
That’s 31 combined goals across two games.
Defense was notified of the schedule.
It declined to attend.
GAME 1: FEAR & LOATHING 8, DONNIE DARKO 6
Donnie Darko Has Now Tried Almost Everything Except Winning
At some point, we’re going to stop predicting that Donnie Darko will finally get its first victory.
Not yet.
But we’re getting close.
DD entered Week 3 at 0-3 despite possessing what still looks like a perfectly respectable hockey roster.
They got Andrew Minerd back.
Ricky Dominguez was back.
Reuben Lima continued producing.
Nathan Motz scored again.
Ryan Lewis scored.
Mike Mallery scored.
They put six goals behind Felipe Rodriguez.
They lost.
Again.
Donnie Darko is now 0-4.
We’re running out of explanations.
Adam Dixon Remains Inexplicably Effective
The evening began with Adam Dixon scoring at 8:44 of the first off Brandon Popham.
We don’t know how it happened, just that it was a dump in from center.
Dixon claimed it was his patented and registered “Knucklepuck”. He even air-writes the R and circles it with his finger every time he says it.
Fear & Loathing led 1-0 after one.
Then Donnie Darko briefly remembered why we picked them to be good.
DD Actually Takes Control
Reuben Lima tied the game just 21 seconds into the second.
Fear & Loathing answered at 1:53 when returning SARHL relic Brandon Condor found Martin Wojnar for a goal.
Then DD went to work.
Mallery scored at 6:15 off a tip-in from Lima.
Nathan Motz followed at 7:42.
Ryan Lewis scored at 10:38.
Suddenly Donnie Darko had turned a 2-1 deficit into a 4-2 lead.
Everything was coming together.
The scoring.
The chemistry.
The captain was back.
The roster looked dangerous.
Perhaps this was finally the night.
Then the third period began.
Oh, Right. They’re Donnie Darko.
Ricky Dominguez took the game’s only penalty at 3:12.
Junior scored on the resulting power play at 3:55.
That made it 4-3.
At 5:30, Junior scored again.
Tie game.
Thirty-two seconds later, Popham scored.
Fear & Loathing led 5-4.
In just over two minutes, Donnie Darko’s lead had completely disappeared.
Minerd finally intervened at 6:38 to tie it 5-5.
Good.
Reset.
Plenty of time.
Maybe this was—
No.
Brandon Condor scored at 8:20.
Ricky Dominguez answered at 9:10 from Lima.
Six-six.
Maybe now—
Still no.
Popham scored again at 10:40.
Then Condor added another at 11:54.
Eight-six.
Game over.
Donnie Darko had successfully turned another winnable hockey game into a standings problem.
Welcome Back, Brandon Condor
Brandon Condor returned to SARHL after nearly a decade or two (?) away.
We weren’t sure what to expect.
Rust?
Conditioning issues?
A few weeks required to adjust?
Apparently not.
Condor recorded two goals and two assists in his first game back.
That’s four points after approximately ten to 20 years away. We’re not doing the math on that, that’s how he phrases it. We’re not sure what to make of it, but he did arrive at the rink in an orange jumpsuit for some reason.
We’re going easy on him this week because he’s just getting reacquainted with the league.
Enjoy the grace period, Brandon.
It expires Sunday.
Mallery Watch
We need to discuss this.
Mike Mallery has now scored three goals over the past two weeks.
This is not sustainable.
Nature will correct itself.
Still, Fear & Loathing deserves credit for surviving the emotional devastation.
Penn proved last week that a disciplined captain can guide his team through a Mallery goal.
Junior apparently studied the tape.
There was no panic.
No surrender.
No existential crisis.
Fear & Loathing simply continued playing.
The league is adapting.
Minerd is going to stop drafting Mallery if his only skill is becoming useless.
Scoring Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Goal Scorer | Assist(s) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 08:44 | F&L | Adam Dixon | Brandon Popham |
| 2 | 00:21 | DD | Reuben Lima | Unassisted |
| 2 | 01:53 | F&L | Martin Wojnar | Brandon Condor |
| 2 | 06:15 | DD | Mike Mallery | Reuben Lima |
| 2 | 07:42 | DD | Nathan Motz | Unassisted |
| 2 | 10:38 | DD | Ryan Lewis | Unassisted |
| 3 | 03:55 | F&L | Junior Yupanqui (PP) | Brandon Popham |
| 3 | 05:30 | F&L | Junior Yupanqui | Brandon Condor |
| 3 | 06:02 | F&L | Brandon Popham | Unassisted |
| 3 | 06:38 | DD | Andrew Minerd | Unassisted |
| 3 | 08:20 | F&L | Brandon Condor | Unassisted |
| 3 | 09:10 | DD | Ricky Dominguez | Reuben Lima |
| 3 | 10:40 | F&L | Brandon Popham | Junior Yupanqui |
| 3 | 11:54 | F&L | Brandon Condor | Unassisted |
Penalty Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Player | Infraction | PIM |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 3 | 03:12 | DD | Ricky Dominguez | Tripping | 2:00 |
By the Numbers
8 — Fear & Loathing goals.
6 — Donnie Darko goals.
0 — Donnie Darko wins this season.
4 — Points for Brandon Condor after an extended hiatus.
4 — Points for Brandon Popham: two goals, two assists.
0 — People who care about Popham’s achievements.
3 — Points for Junior: two goals and an assist.
3 — Points for Reuben Lima: one goal and two assists.
3 — Consecutive weeks in which Nathan Motz has found the scoresheet.
3 — Mallery goals over the past two weeks, a sentence nobody expected to read.
1 — Penalty.
1 — Power-play goal.
0-4 — Donnie Darko.
That’s the entire joke.
GAME 2: FAST & FURIOUS 9, FEAR & LOATHING 8
Mrs. Augie Witnesses Approximately 100 Shots and We Respect Her Truth
There are hockey games where teams establish possession, work through neutral ice, set up an offense and carefully wait for scoring opportunities.
This was not one of those games.
Fear & Loathing and Fast & Furious combined for 17 goals.
According to the scoresheet, they also combined for 100 shots.
One hundred.
In a 36-minute running-clock game.
That’s roughly 2.78 shots per actual minute.
One shot every 21.6 seconds.
Continuously.
For the entire game.
Were some of these passes?
Probably.
Dump-ins?
Perhaps.
Pucks casually rolling within 40 feet of the net?
We’re not here to question the official scorer.
Mrs. Augie saw 100 shots.
Therefore, there were 100 shots.
Congratulations to Felipe Rodriguez and David Myers on their heroic survival.
Ricky Immediately Changes Uniforms
Ricky Dominguez scored for Donnie Darko in Game 1.
Apparently that wasn’t enough hockey.
He switched over to Fear & Loathing for Game 2 and opened the scoring at 4:48 off Martin Wojnar.
At this point, roster loyalty has completely disappeared.
Nathan Motz played for two teams last week.
Ricky did it this week.
SARHL isn’t a three-team league anymore.
It’s one large group of guys who occasionally change shirt colors.
Fast & Furious Responds
Penn tied the game at 9:09.
Laveault made it 2-1 at 10:27 from Penn.
Ray Ortega scored at 11:29 with an assist from Ryan Lewis.
Yes, Ryan Lewis.
Another Donnie Darko player.
Donnie Darko is 0-4 but continues loaning productive players to everybody else.
Perhaps stop doing that.
Fast & Furious led 3-1.
Then Junior decided to make the rest of the game about Junior.
Junior Scores Five Because Apparently Nobody Objected
Junior scored at 3:50 of the second.
Penn answered.
Junior scored again at 7:46.
Dixon scored.
Junior scored again at 10:01.
Then Laveault answered before the period ended.
The third began.
Junior scored again.
Penn answered.
Junior scored again.
Let’s simplify this.
Junior Yupanqui scored five goals.
Five.
No assists required on four of them.
Just Junior acquiring the puck and apparently deciding everyone else was unnecessary.
It’s exactly the sort of performance Junior has always believed Junior was capable of.
This is devastating news for anyone who has to talk to him afterward.
Unfortunately, Penn Exists
Fear & Loathing had Junior.
Fast & Furious had Penn.
Penn scored three goals and assisted on four more.
Seven points.
He factored into seven of Fast & Furious’ nine goals.
This is becoming irritating.
We joked after Week 1 that Penn’s early success was going to inflate his confidence.
Then he produced eight points in Week 2.
Now seven more.
At some point we’re going to need the rest of the league to intervene.
All this without his binky, Jake Hernandez.
Ian Chase Did Something Useful
At 7:57 of the third, Ian Chase scored from Penn.
We have independently verified this.
No penalty.
No argument.
No complaint noted.
Just a goal.
Congratulations, Ian.
We’ll check back next week to make sure everything is okay.
Ray Ortega Finishes It
Ray scored his second of the game at 10:21 from Penn, giving Fast & Furious its ninth goal.
Fear & Loathing wasn’t finished.
Popham scored unassisted with two seconds remaining.
$20 says there was a screech of “STOP THE CLOCK!”
Two seconds.
We’re sure everyone hurried back to center for the faceoff with tremendous enthusiasm.
Fast & Furious survived.
Again.
That’s becoming the theme.
Scoring Summary
| Period | Time | Team | Goal Scorer | Assist(s) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 04:48 | F&L | Ricky Dominguez | Martin Wojnar |
| 1 | 09:09 | F&F | David Penn | Unassisted |
| 1 | 10:27 | F&F | Travis Laveault | David Penn |
| 1 | 11:29 | F&F | Ray Ortega | Ryan Lewis |
| 2 | 03:50 | F&L | Junior Yupanqui | Unassisted |
| 2 | 05:35 | F&F | David Penn | Unassisted |
| 2 | 06:46 | F&F | Ryan Lewis | Ray Ortega |
| 2 | 07:46 | F&L | Junior Yupanqui | Unassisted |
| 2 | 09:32 | F&L | Adam Dixon | Brandon Popham |
| 2 | 10:01 | F&L | Junior Yupanqui | Adam Dixon |
| 2 | 11:11 | F&F | Travis Laveault | David Penn |
| 3 | 02:48 | F&L | Junior Yupanqui | Unassisted |
| 3 | 03:49 | F&F | David Penn | Travis Laveault |
| 3 | 06:22 | F&L | Junior Yupanqui | Unassisted |
| 3 | 07:57 | F&F | Ian Chase | David Penn |
| 3 | 10:21 | F&F | Ray Ortega | David Penn |
| 3 | 11:58 | F&L | Brandon Popham | Unassisted |
Penalty Summary
None.
Seventeen goals.
Approximately 100 shots.
Zero penalties.
Apparently nobody had enough time to foul anyone because the puck was already heading toward a net.
By the Numbers
17 — Combined goals.
100-ish — Combined shots, according to the Gospel of Mrs. Augie.
2.78 — Shots per minute.
21.6 seconds — Average time between alleged shots.
5 — Goals for Junior.
7 — Points for Penn: three goals, four assists.
3 — Points for Laveault.
3 — Points for Ray Ortega.
2 — Seconds remaining when Popham made it 9-8.
0 — Penalties.
2 — Goalies wondering what they did to deserve this.
AROUND THE RINK
Donnie Darko: 0-4
We’re no longer asking how.
We’re asking how far this can go.
DD has talent.
They score.
They’ve held leads.
They’ve completed huge comebacks.
They’ve had their full roster.
They’ve been short.
They’ve had Minerd.
They’ve played without Minerd.
They’ve gotten goals from Mallery.
Nothing matters.
At this point, winning might actually disrupt team chemistry.
Fear & Loathing Survives without Jaiden
We don’t like this.
Junior scored five goals in Game 2.
Popham produced throughout the doubleheader.
Dixon keeps scoring.
BVV has been productive this season if and when he shows up.
Fear & Loathing appears functional.
Where is the dysfunction we were promised?
Where is the Junior-Jaiden incident?
We invested heavily in this storyline.
Someone needs to start arguing in Jaiden’s place.
Fast & Furious Refuses to Lose
F&F is now 4-0.
They’ve won comfortably.
They’ve won in overtime.
They’ve blown a 5-1 lead, fallen behind 6-5 and still won.
Now they’ve survived a five-goal Junior performance and an 8-goal Fear & Loathing attack.
We’re beginning to suspect this isn’t accidental.
That’s unfortunate.
THREE STARS OF THE NIGHT
First Star — Junior Yupanqui, Fear & Loathing
Seven goals across the doubleheader.
One assist.
What a Junior stat line should look like.
Junior may print this recap and carry it around with him.
We deeply regret providing the material.
Second Star — David Penn, Fast & Furious
Three goals and four assists in Game 2.
Seven points.
Another victory.
Still undefeated.
This is getting obnoxious.
Third Star — Brandon Condor, Fear & Loathing
Returns to the SARHL.
Immediately records two goals and two assists.
We promised to go easy on him this week.
This counts.
Enjoy it.
Honorable Mention — Brandon Popham
Three goals and three assists across the doubleheader.
Annoying as ever.
Unfortunately productive as well.
Special Recognition — Mrs. Augie
One hundred shots.
We don’t question greatness.
FINAL THOUGHT
Three weeks ago, we looked at Donnie Darko’s roster and decided they were probably the best team.
They’re 0-4.
Fast & Furious looked solid but unspectacular.
They’re 4-0.
Fear & Loathing was supposed to be a chemistry experiment involving Junior and Jaiden.
They’re sitting comfortably in second while Junior casually scores five goals in a game.
Mike Mallery is suddenly scoring regularly.
Chuck Gawell returned from the dead.
Brandon Condor returned from a decade away and immediately put up four points.
Nathan Motz and Ricky Dominguez have begun treating team rosters like suggestions.
And Mrs. Augie recorded 100 shots in a 36-minute hockey game.
We’re three weeks into the season.
The statistics are unreliable.
The predictions are worthless.
The rosters are fluid.
The goalies belong to everyone.
Donnie Darko belongs to the basement.
Fast & Furious apparently cannot lose.
Everything is proceeding normally.