Welcome Back. Unfortunately.
The long SARHL offseason finally comes to an end this week as the league returns to the repurposed tennis court that nobody had the courage to permanently convert into something useful.
The surface awaits.
The two light poles remain in play.
The humidity presumably hasn’t gone anywhere.
The cemetery continues to provide the league’s most consistent attendance.
And somewhere, somebody is going to arrive five minutes before puck drop and ask which team they’re on.
We’re back.
Donnie Darko draws the opening-week doubleheader, facing Fast & Furious in Game 1 before immediately turning around to play Fear & Loathing.
On paper, it’s an early test for our completely arbitrary preseason favorite.
In reality, we don’t know who is showing up, who is playing goalie, or whether half the new guys know where Fairchild is.
Let’s play hockey.
8:00PM – DONNIE DARKO vs. FAST & FURIOUS
Minerd and Penn Open the Season With Something Resembling Competent Hockey
If we’re going purely by the preseason rosters, Game 1 might actually feature decent hockey.
We apologize in advance.
Andrew Minerd and David Penn are two captains who generally expect their teams to understand concepts like positioning, passing, defense and arriving before the game starts. That immediately puts tremendous pressure on everyone involved.
Donnie Darko enters with perhaps the most complete roster in the league.
Nathan Motz established himself as a serious offensive threat last season. David Narvaiz continues to score without demanding an entire documentary be made about it. Ryan Lewis always looks approximately one shift away from a breakout performance that somehow never arrives.
And Augie Vargas gives DD an element every championship team needs:
The possibility of being shorthanded at any moment.
Then there’s Mike Mallery.
There are defensemen who occasionally join the rush.
There are offensive defensemen.
There is Mallery, who regards the defensive zone as more of a mailing address than a place he is actually required to inhabit.
His partnership with Minerd should be seamless considering Andrew has spent several seasons learning how to yell his name from 150 feet away.
The returning players are the wild cards.
Nobody in the editorial department can remember exactly what Reuben Lima brings to the table, which gives him the rare opportunity to completely reinvent himself.
Erik Hillskemper, meanwhile, enters opening night carrying the burden of an entirely fabricated Viking narrative.
He doesn’t know this yet.
Godspeed, Erik.
Ricky Dominguez’s return as a skater may be the most interesting development. Being known for his play in net, Ricky gets to once again participate in the SARHL’s favorite tradition:
Turning the puck over and immediately glaring at his own goalie.
Across the Rink
Fast & Furious might have the safest roster in the league.
That’s an insult.
David Penn has assembled a collection of players who generally know what they’re doing.
Jacob Hernandez will be attached to Penn’s hip like a child wandering through H-E-B.
Neil Lewis will be helpful.
Travis Laveault will quietly do several things correctly.
James Webber will enjoy the dignity of having a full surname.
This cannot last.
The entertainment comes elsewhere.
Ray Ortega enters another season with a smile that hides a dark secret we may one day understand.
Kevin Shanahan will continue to look great despite playing bad or look terrible while playing great.
Ian Chase will commit something that looks suspiciously like a penalty and then present a six-part legal argument explaining why human anatomy made the infraction physically impossible.
And Matt Gilbert has presumably spent the entire summer waiting to see Augie again.
Those two being on opposite teams feels less like roster construction and more like event planning.
Player to Watch: Nathan Motz
Motz finished last season becoming increasingly difficult to joke about because he kept doing useful things.
We’re giving him opening night to correct that.
Matchup Nobody Asked For: Augie Vargas vs. Matt Gilbert
We’re not saying something is going to happen.
We’re saying the league should probably make sure someone brought the popcorn.
Completely Unreliable Prediction
Donnie Darko has more explosive talent.
Fast & Furious looks more structurally sound.
Opening night traditionally rewards whichever team realizes the game has started first.
Donnie Darko 6, Fast & Furious 5
Mallery scores.
Fast & Furious spends the remaining 19 minutes trying to emotionally recover.
9:00PM – DONNIE DARKO vs. FEAR & LOATHING
Whatever Structure Existed in Game 1 Ends Here
This is the one.
Not necessarily the best game.
Just the one most likely to produce material.
Donnie Darko will enter after already playing a full game, while Fear & Loathing arrives fresh, rested and presumably midway through its first Junior-Jaiden disagreement.
The physical advantage clearly belongs to Fear & Loathing.
The psychological advantage belongs to absolutely nobody.
The Junior-Jaiden Experiment Begins
We’ve spent the preseason discussing it.
Now we finally get to witness it.
Junior Yupanqui and Jaiden Hernandez are teammates.
Two captains with wildly diverging captaining experiences.
Two tacticians with entirely different maps.
Two men capable of explaining the same hockey play for 20 minutes while reaching opposite conclusions.
There is a legitimate possibility that this works brilliantly.
Junior is quiet but demanding. Jaiden sees the game differently and isn’t shy about communicating it. Both can produce offense.
Perhaps they complement one another.
Perhaps Junior says something on the first shift, Jaiden disagrees, and Brandon Popham just gets angry and starts running the bench by the second period.
We’re rooting for Option B.
Popham should provide some offense regardless. BVV remains dangerous when he decides to grace us with his presence.
Faye Hadley will work harder than several people around her and quietly wonder how this became her Sunday night.
Adam Dixon will shoot from somewhere.
Where?
Nobody knows.
Especially Adam.
Chuck Galwell returns to the league carrying experience, wisdom and potentially a reverse mortgage brochure.
Then we have Cesar, Nicholas and AJ.
Three mostly blank canvases.
This is their final opportunity to exist in SARHL without an embarrassing backstory.
By approximately 9:17 p.m., we expect at least one of them to have a permanent nickname.
The Doubleheader Problem
Donnie Darko’s greatest opponent in Game 2 may not be Fear & Loathing.
It may be Game 1.
Minerd’s roster has talent, but the opening-week doubleheader has destroyed better teams.
Legs get heavy.
Shifts get longer.
Backchecking becomes theoretical.
Mallery stops pretending altogether.
That’s when Fear & Loathing could become dangerous.
BVV and Popham don’t need many opportunities. Junior certainly won’t stop shooting because his opponent looks tired. Jaiden will sense weakness and immediately begin telling everyone he predicted it before the game.
If Donnie Darko wants to sweep opening night, Minerd may need to manage his bench.
This assumes his players listen to him.
Adorable.
Player to Watch: Brian Van Vlymen
Not because of anything hockey-related.
We just want visual confirmation that he’s there.
Matchup Nobody Asked For: Andrew Minerd vs. Junior and Jaiden
Minerd has captained enough combinations of these personalities to understand exactly what’s coming.
He may spend the entire game watching the Fear & Loathing bench with the peaceful expression of a divorced father realizing the children are someone else’s responsibility this weekend.
Completely Unreliable Prediction
Fresh legs should matter.
Fear & Loathing has enough scoring to make a tired Donnie Darko team miserable, and DD will probably spend portions of the second game wondering why the schedule hates them.
Fear & Loathing 7, Donnie Darko 5
Junior scores several.
Jaiden claims partial responsibility for all of them.
OPENING NIGHT QUESTIONS
Who’s playing goalie?
Someone.
This represents the entirety of our verified information.
Which returning player will look least recognizable?
Hillskemper currently leads the betting market because we’ve already transformed him into a Scandinavian raider without remembering what he looks like.
Which new player gets roasted first?
Nicholas, AJ and Cesar begin tied at zero. We may know Cesar, but without a last name on the produced team list, we’re giving him the blank canvas.
How quickly does Mallery abandon defense?
Official line: 1:47 into Game 1.
The under is receiving heavy action.
Will BVV be there?
We refuse to participate in reckless speculation.
Can Donnie Darko survive the doubleheader?
Probably.
Will they enjoy it?
Absolutely not.
FINAL WORD
Week 1 gives us exactly what we need.
A preseason favorite immediately tested with a doubleheader.
Penn and Minerd pretending their teams will play disciplined hockey.
Junior and Jaiden beginning their forced partnership.
Returning players we’ve forgotten.
New players we haven’t ruined yet.
No confirmed goaltending information whatsoever.
And two light poles silently waiting for someone to forget they’re there.
The offseason is over.
Time to make some new mistakes.